"What's your husband up to today?" - Al-Anon Family Group

Hot Chicka · Veteran Member

"What's your husband up to today?"

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I would answer the simple question with the simple truth "he is home (or wherever he is)". I feel compelled to say more than necessary sometimes, especially when I am pissed off!

sadsusie · Senior Member

I always make up excuses too, but we have our own businesses and some are in a different state, so its pretty easy. I despise lying so that is just one more resentment hmm.

I normally make excuses to protect him. it is HIS disease after all. I go to church and my support groups are in a different town so I am able to have my OWN friends and support and can speak freely. Now that you mention this, I don't think I could have ever come as far in my recovery if I had to continue to hide it all. I do have a few close friends that know and love us both. They love and support us equally (but I must stay they are special people).

In my experience in sharing my story with my new friends (out of town) about 80% of them all have their own story concerning alcoholism. Seriously. I would share my story ...they would say " I understand, my son is an A" or "Oh, honey, I'm sorry, my Mother in law is an A" or "my Daughter was married to an A" or my parents were A's No kidding. I had worked at an upscale clothing store chain similar to chico's and out of the 3 managers - two had substance abuse stories of their own. of the 8 associates one was an active alononer (her 1st husband was an A) another's dad was an A, one I'm not sure if her husband was an A, but he beat her and broke her back. All of the other people I worked with all had their own stories of struggles and I have never has so much support and love in my whole life. I no longer felt alone.

I just recently began selling a new product and my sponsor who is so sweet kept saying how she can't wait to meet my husband. hmm. I realized that I had no choice but to share with her. I figured that I would go ahead and explain why she may never meet him, why I may never invite her in my house, why she may need to drive me (cause he takes the car for days) and why I may have a breakdown and might have to skip a planned event. So after spending half a day with her I saw she was a wonderful person. So I made her pinky swear she would not tell a soul. actually I made her swear for about 2 minutes while I cried. lol! And it was not a big deal for her, no surprise, = her husband had a relative who was an alcoholic. They are EVERYWHERE the poor souls.

Many Blessings

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Like Paula, I always feel compelled to say more than necessary so I find that I have to check my motive and ask myself what I'm really trying to accomplish in that situation.

Here's one I ran into 2 years ago when AH was in jail. My son and I joined some friends for dinner after a tennis match was over. The husband, who is a very nosy person and crosses the line with his inquisitions often, asked me, "So, where's your husband? I've never met him. Is he antisocial?" Umm, well I guess I could have just blurted out, "He's serving a few days in jail for a DUI, so nice that you asked about him." Instead, I just said, "Yeah, that's it. He's not very social." I left it at that.

You don't have to make excuses but sometimes you also don't have to tell the whole truth, especially if it requires a very long story. Nothing wrong with following up with someone later and giving them the whole story, if the relationship is open to it or if you feel they are trustworthy with the information. Asking myself what my motive is was very key to helping me decide what and how much I was going to share with others.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I have learned it best to be discerning about what to share with whom. I was able to be honest and non isolative in my meetings, with my sponsor and my close friends and family, so I could bring my feelings/hurt out into the open. There were times I justified my sharing with people, believing I was "just being honest", when, in truth, I wanted to gossip about my husband. I have to be clear on my motives so I am not harming another person, regardless of their wrongdoings. This has not been an easy thing for me to adhere to. I know by the way I end up feeling when my motives are off. Trust your gut and you will take the right action.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Making excuses is enabling and I did plenty of it prior to finding Al-Anon for myself . When asked why my husband wasn't with the rest of the family at gatherings I learned to say I don't know you will have to ask him next time you see him , end of conversation .worked for me . Louise

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Abbyal I sure do love your wisdom.

I like to say,"whatsit to ya?" lol

SunshineGirl · Senior Member

Prior to Al-anon I used to make up excuses as to why AH wasn't with me. Or, more often than not, I used to make up excuses for us both not to attend events. From my fear of embarrassment of AHs drunk behaviours.

Now I am never asked where AH is as my friends know he is an A and I find I love openly attending events on my own. No anxiety or worry, also I can leave when I want to.

Friends never expect me to invite them to my home, we always meet in café/restaurant/go walking etc. They understand and never query it.

I used to find socialising with AH was like having a ticking bomb in my pocket! I was just waiting for it to go off!! That doesn't make for a pleasant time!

1lostmom · Member

My husband doesn't normally skip out on events which saves me the excuses, but he does have a terrible attitude about me "making" him go, embarrasses me by finding an excuse to drink (he literally snuck a flask into church one time and drank extremely indiscreetly right there next to my entire family), whines at me while there and we end up leaving earlier than I want to, and bitches at me all the way home.

I've started to really enjoy it when he doesn't come and I just don't have to deal with him. It's freedom, and a breath of fresh air.

SunshineGirl · Senior Member

1lostmom wrote:
My husband doesn't normally skip out on events which saves me the excuses, but he does have a terrible attitude about me "making" him go, embarrasses me by finding an excuse to drink (he literally snuck a flask into church one time and drank extremely indiscreetly right there next to my entire family), whines at me while there and we end up leaving earlier than I want to, and bitches at me all the way home.

I've started to really enjoy it when he doesn't come and I just don't have to deal with him. It's freedom, and a breath of fresh air.

Thank you for sharing this. I read it and felt relief.

Yes, that is exactly what my AH does!! It sucks the fun out of any situation. I too enjoy it when he doesn't come along. He can happily do his own thing at home. I can be me and enjoy myself. I agree, it is freedom and a breath of fresh air.

Also after an event, AH would want to analyse what everyone had said. He seemed to be looking for hidden meanings and insults to him. Once I realised this, I started to just gently leave the room at the invitation to this insane behaviour.

giraffe13 · Senior Member

I always just liked to say, " He's getting drunk." Oh where is so and so? "He's drinking." And then I just have this blank look on my face. LOL. I found that people already knew anyway. And at least it put it in his friends faces that they need to wake up as well. Also made me feel better to just let him "be" what he truly was. and not to make excuses. It felt freeing.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.