Apparently I am selfish - Al-Anon Family Group

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Apparently I am selfish

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

After more time and work in the program and the use of the tools like CAL...we learn more and make better changes. I will always be grateful to the program (((hugs))) smile

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Yay for you for recognizing the beauty in the words presented to you when you took the steps to reach for help. I found that there is a difference between expressing my concerns and expressing my needs. Often, my "concerns" had a hint of manipulation attached. Typically, I am met with less defensiveness when I express my needs and it may be because I recognize and accept my needs. When stated assertively, what can the other really say that isn't their BS? biggrin

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I have found that Alanon is a selfish programs because it requires that I put the focus on me and what I want which is very against the grain .. I know what I want monetarily and suffer from only child syndrome a bit .. lol .. it's a different selfishness .. it's not a negative connotation of what people believe is selfish. Who am I and what do I want emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically .. I can't tell anyone that .. well that's not true totally .. I'm gaining a better perspective of that. Taking time for me, doing the things that I like to do and filling my emotional savings account those things are not selfish by the true definition .. those things are part of living a healthy individual life.

Big hugs and great work :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I guess I would wonder, if one is not living with the A, what makes you ask him? He knows he needs a job.

We can only control us. It sounds like he doesn't appreciate your asking. So what makes you ask?

In a way it is enabling. Mothering. He is an adult, it is his right to live how he chooses.

I had to learn when I grilled about his personal stuff, I was being his mother/counselor. I choose not to be that. In the end he opened up to me a lot as I never said anything to control or ask questions about it. A's mostly need us to listen at times.

If they ask for a suggestion, that is different. I know I would not want anyone asking me personal questions like that.

My life is my own.

We may think well we may honestly be asking becuz we care, but to them it does not feel like that. Pressure can push someone the opposite way.

Sounds like you have your own place to think of, you to think of! hugs,deb

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree to a point, Debilyn. The problem is we still own a house together. He is paying the mortgage out of his retirement. That will affect both of us at tax time. I like to have some idea of what will happen to our house...and a job is necessary to pay the mortgage. But, you are right that he should know he needs a job. His mind is so childlike that I don't think he understands the seriousness of our situation. But, he is a grown man. I decided my sanity was more important than my house, that's why I moved out. So if the house goes into foreclosure or blows up, I probably won't care at this point. I guess he could remain jobless. My HP will take care of me and my kids. ...and so will my job!

-- Edited by Newlife girl on Monday 19th of May 2014 11:12:26 PM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

If the house goes into foreclosure or blows up, you have the steps, the fellowship, your sponsor(if you have one?) and your HP to help you deal with that when and if it happens. I'm not suggesting you can't or shouldn't take steps to take care of yourself financially, but the disease lies and even if he told you he had 20 interviews and landed a job - that doesn't really mean he had 20 interviews and landed the job.

I spent a lot of time chasing windmills in my mind and scaring myself with what ifs. I can still slide into that, but focusing on myself, staying in the day, talking things over with my sponsor or others in the fellowship, utilizing the 3rd and 11th Step daily, I have been able to stay more grounded in the reality of my life as it is rather than scaring myself with what might be and trying to control it.

I did everything right when purchasing my own home in 2001. It was a risky venture as any choice we make contains some risk, but I knew I made enough to afford it, wouldn't be house poor, could make changes to the house that would increase the value of it and if for some reason I was no longer going to be able to pay the mortgage, figured I'd be able to sell it for more than I paid for it.

In 2008, that all changed and I couldn't have predicted it nor could I have prevented it. It is now 2014, I'm still in my house and it is valued at much less than I paid for it. Houses in my neighborhood aren't even selling except for the HUD houses or the bank foreclosures. That can lower the property value even more.

I'm still going to pay my mortgage although retirement is now upon me as is a fixed income and I will trust that if I do the best I can do and trust my HP to do for me what I cannot, I may get less than I'd like for the house and I may even lose it at some point, but I will be fine. I know I have kept up my end of the contract. I didn't cause the housing crisis and I can't control or cure the affects of it. I can trust myself and my HP to deal with what is possible for me to do today.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.