Red Flags .. - Al-Anon Family Group

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Red Flags ..

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Serenity,

Sounds familiar!

I sometimes wonder if I am the distancing type as well (i.e. emotionally unavailable) but I am not sure whether it is just a learnt behaviour born out of necessity. There was a time when it was water off a ducks back but not any more. One thing about this journey, I'm always learning something!

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I love it ..... So much growth. Hugs to you Serenity.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Great prayer, Serenity. "Change me." Simple. To the point. Honest. No expectations of how or in what way that change will come. Just a willingness to be changed.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, I like that too. I can now clearly see the red flags that I ignored way back when with my AH. I think, for me, I'm finding that I have to work on forgiveness of who I was back then and to cut myself some slack. I was just repeating what was already ingrained in me. Thank you for sharing your willingness to change, SRUs. HUGS!

SunshineGirl · Senior Member

Thank you for your share, Serenity. I could have written most of it about myself too.

I think I was trained to ignore red flags in my childhood by my A parents. Then I took it forward into adulthood. I am glad to say that the red flags are working again now. The unsafe people I would have been attracted to before, now feel boring and don't connect with my old need for the toxic excitement of rescuing someone! That being a someone who had no interest in being 'rescued' by me or anyone else, of course!

I realise I am emotionally unavailable too. Thank you for writing that, it helped me say it about myself.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I grew up with a TON of drama going on. The A didn't come in until I was a teenager however it did an incredible amount of damage. My mom didn't have a ton of boyfriends coming in and out of the house however some of the men she picked (well most of them) there was always drama attached and it was confusing. Most of them I did not like and I didn't agree with the choices she made there were a couple married men that kind of deal. One was such a troll OMGOSH .. the stories I could tell about that one .. lol. The more dysfunction the more excitement .. mood altering men is what I have been drawn to.

I was young and dumb .. in my early 20's when I married a man 12 years older than me (daddy issues much?) who was an addict. Then I married a guy who looks like a nice guy. Unfortunately I didn't listen to the red flags and they were right off of the bat about how he treated me as well as how his sense of responsibility was not ok. I don't mean that in a degrading way to myself the young and dumb comment .. it just is what it is kind of deal .. after all this relationship was going to be different because my love was going to change him .. well my love or my definition of love was very toxic and I don't know that it's still not toxic .. however I know on a very conscious level what is and what is not ok. I know I don't want to go back to that kind of love as I've dealt with a 1 headed dragon, 2 headed dragon and I definitely do NOT want a 3 headed one .. my dragon slaying days are over and the only thing that needs to happen is changing me.

The level of drama is still way to high in my life at the moment the never ending divorce, the active alcoholic behavior (I won't say drinking however if it walks like a duck talks like a duck .. it's probably a duck and I need to stop trying to dress it up like a goose.). I think we are coming to a point of normalcy where the drama quota is down and that is where the change me comes into play .. no more toxic levels of drama. I really want to choose positive vs negative. It's weird if I list out all of the ways that drama touches my life some I can't get rid of .. some of it is just my FOO (my mother) and some I have eliminated however I feel lonely because I have had to stop relationships that just weren't healthy for me at the moment. Which unfortunately affects the kids as well, .. it just makes it hard to make good decisions.

Anyway, it's interesting to me that this came to me this weekend and when it did .. so I'm just going to meditate on this issue for a bit and see what comes to pass.

Hugs S :)

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I so can relate and am surprised of what my old normal used to be like, way too tolerant of unacceptable behavior. Yes, and the emotionally unavailable it is hard to become open to the process and take down the walls, but oh so worth it. Sending you love and support always!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I have said that to people before. i make it known when someone is being inappropriate to someone.

A guy was being abused by his wife at a store.it hurt my heart.he went by me and I said I am so sorry...he said its ok she is always like this, I am used to it. ugh.

My first husband used to tell the kids, you do not speak to your mother like that. I loved him, miss him sigh.

anyway we teach others how we are to be treated. I tell tellers, checkers, nurses whoever hey I am an adult speak to me with respect!

or I am 61 and will not allow anyone to talk to me like that!

I stand up for me, I mean the creator gave me, me. He helps me be a better person every single day. I like the me he has helped me to become. how about you?

you are your own best friend.

boundaries.....are good. It feels good to let that stuff out.

hugs! good thread

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