The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My name is Slogan_Jim and I am a grateful member of al-anon.
Last night I came to an epiphany. I was asking myself about my dating life and why I just feel such a block when it comes to letting women in. I've been thinking about dating a lot lately. Whenever I think of the prospect of asking a girl out I just get a mental block. A sense of deflation, a sense of not wanting to give another person that much power over me. A sense that in any instant you can make me feel like such a failure and bring me back to such a dark place and that scares me.
It goes back to my parents. I trusted both my parents to be there for me and guide me. I gave them my trust and they let me down. That's why I can't let you in. You will only let me down......but I want to change that. How do I change this? Is the question I need to address. Al-Anon has helped me trust and given me a positive view of women. It's gotten better, but I still need work. I just pray it won't be to late.
Going to labels. I remember mentioning there was a group of friends that I moved on from. It's funny how I havn't seen them in over 2 years but yet last week at a wedding I saw some of them and they reverted right back to when they knew me. Me and my best friend are 2 single males and we are close. They would always label us as a 'couple'. That bothered me and still does. It feels like they are making fun of me and putting me down. The problem with labels is that eventually, you and others begin to believe them if they stick. I removed myself from there because I had to create a new label and to do that have to find a new situation that will enable that to happen.
I am proud that I have the courage to speak up fro myself and not let others push me around and determine who I will be.
I read something this week not sure of this is helpful or not. I read that adult relationships are not based on unconditional love. If we expect that we are setting ourselves up for failure. What was it about the relationships that produced the feelings? Sounds like a boundary issue to me.
This really strikes a chord with me. I know I have always had trouble knowing how to disclose the emotional parts of me. When I get close to some of the more painful parts of my history and being, I get so overwhelmed that it's like I can't think straight. So I'd withhold things from people. Then at some point I'd blurt them out, and generally they didn't react well, which was very painful. But the thing was that I didn't do it the way (I think) healthy people do it: to disclose a little tiny bit, wait for their reaction, assess it, see whether they're healthy and I'm safe to disclose more, and go from there. Usually I'd withhold entirely, so I didn't get to know whether they were safe or healthy. Or sometimes I'd disclose and they'd have a painful reaction, but then I couldn't stand to lose them, so I'd stay in a relationship with someone that really I knew wasn't safe. In both these circumstances I knew I was in a relationship where I'd get hurt when something emotional came up. Yet I was scared and lonely and confused enough to stay. That's my experience. Hope I can do it better next time around.
Re frame asking girls out as giving THEM a gift and compliment to get to know them and that you are interested in them. In middle school girls would laugh in your face and gossip sometimes when not interested. Adults don't generally act that way. No girl has an agenda to smash your heart and violate your trust from the get go. Jim, some of your insights about your family of origin are spot on, but it doesn't always matter because you need to take action and move on. Take positive risks. You are hurting more now by viewing you self as damaged goods and being stuck in fear than you would if you asked bunches of girls out and got rejected by some. Go after what you want in life. Be fearless. You have enough insight into your past. It's like you are doing an eternal 4th and 5th step with no 6th and 7th. You can change stop suffering if you work for it. You are absolutely worth it.
If all the people in the world were asked to raise their hands if they didn't have some flaws or some issues, I wonder how many hands would go up? You belong to the human race, SJ, and we're all - every last one of us - a mixed bag. So, we capitalize on our assets and strengths and chip away at those parts of ourselves that we know need to be changed and the world chips away at the rest of what we can't see. I think of Elie Wiesel who was a child who survived the Holocaust and lost many of his family. He went on to be a celebrated author and a survivor of what most all of us on this board can say we've never faced and never had to endure. All of our parents have let us down in some way. I am a parent who has also let my kids down in some way. That doesn't mean my kids can't have a life that they choose for themselves. It doesn't mean that I couldn't have the life that I wanted. You can achieve your dreams, SJ, even being the mixed bag that you are - just like the rest of us.
Sounds like a lot of fear, which I completely understand. Have you ever seen the movie, "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty"? It's a great movie to show us that sometimes we just have to let go of our fantasies and live a real life. My question to you is: are you living a fantasy? Looking for the perfect woman to fill a void or are you covering up who you really are by hiding underneath your fears? I know I did all those things and more. I was in denial; about myself, about others, and about my marriage. Coming out of denial was painful(still is) but I've learned that the fantasy was just that, a fantasy. No one person can ever fill us up, we're like love tanks with leaks. We need our HP(God) to step in and fill those voids and patch those holes in our souls so that we can move forward in a healthy and happy way.
I hope you're not waiting until you're perfectly perfect to find a girlfriend. She's not going to be perfect, either. But, what you can do is try to find someone who wants to walk a spiritual/emotional recovery path with you, someone who will share in your growth and who will allow you to share her growth, too. You won't know of those opportunities until you step out there and try. It doesn't have to be dates, it can be just grabbing a coffee with a female friend, it can be finding someone to go for a run with or hike with, etc. None of us ever arrive, right, so we just have to start where we're at and I think you're doing a great job at awareness, now you just have to put it out there and take a few risks! Sending you lots of support, Jim.
You are worth it and yes letting someone in is hard and will take work to trust, but it is earned slowly over time and fun getting to know people. Trust yourself and be open to the process, I really think once we do the inside work, the rest will come as long as you are open to the process. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
As far as trust goes have you ever thought about just starting out as friends. You may never want to take that any further. Perhaps after you have gotten to know someone you may want to become more than just friends. Someone special is worth the wait. With that learning more about someone w/o all those expectations. I believe trust comes with only what time can give you. In the beginning people have a tendency to always be on their best behavior. Everybody has their ups & downs. So only with time can you truly see how someone reacts to different situations. Trust is something you earn. As for your so called friends well what more can you do other than leaving them behind. I believe there is somebody out there for everybody.
