Internet cheating - Al-Anon Family Group

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

Internet cheating

Beatrice · Senior Member

Looking up,

I know it feels insecure to have your BF texting and talking to another female. But the thing is we have no power over what others do, including our loved ones.

Its really up to you and only you can decide how you feel about it. Whatever you do decide do not make idle threats, follow thru with your boundaries or decisions.

Keep coming back and do it for YOU, Alanon is for you, not the addict

Hugs, Bettina

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

lookingup wrote:
My a bf has been talking to a old childhood school friend for mths,everyday sometimes several times a day.and then they started texting and exchanged phone no.and my a bf still wants to say it was all innocent .but he is trying to come off suboxones and he has been ill and can't sleep.im trying to keep my cool until he gets to feeling better he has been saying that he was gonna delete his Facebook ,he Says I'm jealous.do I have a right to be jealous ?? And how or what should I do or act toward all that he and she been face booking texting for mths......hugs lookingup

i agree with beatrice....are you two in an exclusive relationship where its just you and him???? if you are in exclusive relationship, this is cheating to me...an occasional "hello" out in open,not everday wouldn't bother me, but everyday?? then the texting......RED FLAGS i see.......jealous??? it gets you no where...it is what it is.....if u r jealous, that means you are not comfortable and your instincts are telling you this is not right.......i would let him (IF it is exclusive relationship) know that this behaviour is unacceptable to you and if it continues what you will do and you best be prepared to "stand to your boundaries" in that you keep your word in what u say u will do, otherwise your word will mean nothing......if this were me, i would re-eval the relationship and maybe just reclassify to a friendship where we BOTH date, no sex, of course, and leave it at that or just dump the guy b/c if it is a exclusive relationship, he is showing he is not to be trusted and trust is key in a healthy/happy/prosperous relationship...........your call, but that is what I would do....is he in recovery??? working program???? u used the word "a bf" which indicates he is alcoholic....why don't you work on you and raise up your love meter within yourself so you are not interested in guys who have addiction problems......I would focus on me and only me and my program and get healthier so i attract and want healthier people...............just sayin

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with both Beatrice and Neshema. I don't feel jealous in relationships and if I'm in what both my SO and I have agreed is to be a monogamous relationship than that is what I expect in it. That wouldn't mean my SO couldn't have female friends provided that I am included in the relationship just as I would expect to have male friends and my SO would be included in those friendships, too. If SO wanted to have a relationship to another gal to the exclusion of me, then we're not a match and that doesn't mean we can't be friends. It just means he isn't a man who can stay within the bounds of a relationship that puts me first before his friends and includes me in the friendships that he has in some way. I'd be honest with him and tell him what he seems to want and what I want are two different things and I'd go on. No drama. I'd just go on. No man or relationship is worth a tug of war to me. We're either on the same page or we're not.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

grateful2be wrote:
I'd be honest with him and tell him what he seems to want and what I want are two different things and I'd go on. No drama. I'd just go on. No man or relationship is worth a tug of war to me. We're either on the same page or we're not.

yep...this sums it up.....get out early, b4 anymore waste of time occurs.....also the addiction/drinking is a "love boat sinker" if he is not in long, sustained recovery program and even then it is still a risk.....why not work on you..focus on you..get a sponsor, work the steps, find/love yourself , self assessment and find someone with more to offer and who wuld be on same page w/you......

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I make it clear if you want me, then no other women period. It's your choice. If they choose to go off with someone else, go for it, they did not value or respect my feelings.

Of course you have the right to put this boundary there. Jealousy comes from ones trying to have control and can't have it. for me, its more ok your choice budy, bye.

hugs!

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with the ladies above. This was the exact behavior that created my ex-A and my issues. Looking back now I would have ended the relationship immediately. I chose to ignore the red flags. I chose to be victimized by ignoring/complaining about the bad behavior. Needless to say it did not end well.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

I have had a similar experience with my AH and I tried to accept his behaviour because I thought that I was showing him that I loved and trusted him by doing so. I took it on myself to preserve our relationship and I placed our relationship above my own needs and values. I didn't expect my love of AH and 'us' to undermine my own self esteem and self worth so much - I thought thatAH would love and appreciate me for what I was doing. I had no idea what I was doing to myself.

Long story short - I did not value my boundaries. Hell, I didn't even know what boundaries were!! Fuelled by alcohol, AH accepted my acceptance and carried on doing what he was doing - plus some. This scenario lasted three years. One day (eventually!) I realised that I was the one who was making myself sick with worry. I suddenly came to believe that my self-esteem mattered to me at least!

So what could I do about it? AH was not hearing my pleas for a change in the behaviour that he was enjoying. Lets face it, why would he? But it was hurting me a lot and so I finally left. I did it for me and for my own self worth. After a month we decided to try again (it was way too soon by the way!).

We are still together but both struggling to trust each other and to share. We are still trying to rebuild our relationship. We both want to. But there is a lot of anger and resentment on my part and a fair deal of shame as well. It is not easy!

This is my story, and your circumstances might be very different to mine, but I think that what I am trying to say is that you do have options and if I had my time over again I would keep the focus on me and my feelings and then choose the options that were best for me and my self esteem. We are worth it!!!

(((((hugs))))))

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I really don't know how someone actually has a trusting relationship with an active alcoholic. I tried what milkwood did in terms of trying to accept the fact my stbax was talking to a co-worker frequently and by frequently I mean like hours at work and then again at home. It took a big toll on me when I discovered I was right and I wish I had left sooner than later because he wanted his cake and eat it too .. meaning he wanted to do what he was doing until she became available while I sat on the sidelines.

I completely agree though if it is hurting me as a person in terms of my self esteem and self worth I wouldn't stay in a relationship .. active alcoholic or non alcoholic long term if they weren't honoring me as a person .. let it begin with me .. I teach people how to treat me and I definitely taught my stbax that he didn't have to honor me.

Hugs S :)

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Truth wrote:
I agree with the ladies above. This was the exact behavior that created my ex-A and my issues. Looking back now I would have ended the relationship immediately. I chose to ignore the red flags. I chose to be victimized by ignoring/complaining about the bad behavior. Needless to say it did not end well.

yep, my first marriage was the same thing.....denial over the red flags......letting him victimize me by either ignoring bad behaviour or crying/pleading for it to stop...yea, right!!! i was TEACHING him to disrespect me by not respecting myself.....i got out....walked away, it would be more years until i got into 12 steps, but i did when i left get into therapy by a good mental health therapist who helped me begin to start taking my life back....when my ins. didn't pay anymore for my therapy, i found a good lady out of a church who specialized in folks w/abusive pasts as children and on a sliding scale she helped me...this "help here and there" kept me going until I got into 12 steps and i will say this!!! NOTHING has helped me like this program has..oh yea, my 2 therapists helped a lot, but this program??? miracle....i am in it for life, now to get even healthier and to maintain my improving self esteem and self care......

SunshineGirl · Senior Member

Thank you everyone for these shares. I needed to read them in this moment.

Building my self esteem. I now realise that some things I thought were ok and 'normal' aren't at all. Awareness allows me to set more boundaries and raise my standards of both myself and what I accept from others. Thanks.

I would like to quote 'no man or relationship is worth a tug of war' and say a heartfelt AMEN!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.