The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't been here in a long time during that time we have had our ups and downs but nothing really serious. My A fiance quit drinking almost 4 years ago doesn't go to meetings but overall does well, except with me. He has depression and has been on meds. for the same amount of time which seem to help some but is not a cure all (and I know isn't meant to be) he continues to tell me when we argue or fight which isn't a lot that he would be happier if I would act happier or stop doing certain things or saying certain things to him (like when I tell him he has forgotten something ask him to pick up after himself things like that) he blames his unhappiness on me and also tells me I do things around the house just to irritate him but then he says "well you don't do them intentionally to irritate me". It's always about what I am doing that he doesn't like and I'm getting really tired of it I have told him over and over that he has to be happy inside before things around him are going make him feel happy I also have told him he needs to talk with someone which he has done before. These are just a few of the things I see that hasn't changed and am wondering if this is common? I could really use some input if anyone has any or experience with it if anyone has that. I appreciate everyone's time.
Holly
__________________
You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
Hi, Holly. I did some of those same things in relationship to my A. I kept saying the same thing over and over again and getting the same result. Al-Anon recovery work helped me see other ways to handle the same things which does help to keep my focus on me and off the other. That doesn't mean I don't share privately what I'm comfortable or uncomfortable with in a certain situation and sometimes the reason for that. But, once I've said what is true for me, I leave the other person free to hear me and respond, hear me and continue to behave the way they choose to behave and let go in cases where what they are doing is simply an irritant to me or has to do with their business only. When what is happening at the hand of the other person can adversely affect me and others, I may still bring what concerns me privately to that person and if they choose to continue the bad and inappropriate behavior, I will look for another way for the issue to be addressed outside of me and the other.
These interactions were common in our household when both of us were not working our programs. This probably will not change unless there are active recovery programs in place for both of you. It doesn't sound so encouraging, does it? With that being said, you only have control over you. He will do whatever he does and that is the way it is. Your life can take whatever path you choose and your well being is in your hands with your HP by your side with guidance and love; that you can count on
Agreeing with the other ladies here. Very common here in my house, too. My AH will go through dry periods but most of his behaviors are completely unhealthy and not anything close to recovery. I have found that I must focus on my own recovery and that I must put my relationship with my HP first, it's the only thing that will give me peace and keep me serene, as best as can be achieved in our circumstance. Only you can decide what you are willing to live with or not willing to live with, right? Turn your man over to God and keep God close to yourself, as well. Praying that you find peace today.
Thank you for your input I myself was seeing this as the same as when he was drinking only without the drinking. Most of the things I say to him are normal "I am not your mother/ keeper take responsibility for yourself I already have three children things" or if what he is choosing affects more than just himself......you are right I have to decide what I am willing to live with/without and I believe I am at a crossroads I'm not sure I want to be on this path with him anymore. Before I can get out of this relationship I need to find a job I've been home for 6 yrs. and my youngest is going into 1st grade next year so I have been looking. It's sad how I always question what he is saying about me to myself in whether it is me or he is just blaming me, I am not perfect I have my flaws but just like I have to decide what I will live with I believe so does he.
__________________
You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
Same here!
I'm learning not to take it personally. What AH says normally says more about him than it does about me. In fact I think that is often true of most people
The next layer that I'm questioning is whether or not I want to spend my time with people who do not enjoy life. I think that the answer to that one is a no-brainer actually! So I'm also experimenting with what that means about how I do choose to spend my time.
Hi. My experience has been that my AH and I have a mother/child relationship...whether he is drinking or not. I decided I didn't need another child. I need a mature husband who takes responsibility for his actions. I got tired of waiting for him to change, so I moved out. He was not a good example for my kids. I am not saying I am perfect, I just wanted a normal life, and I wasn't getting it. I have also found it is difficult for children to accept a man who is not their real father...especially when he acts like a child himself.
Al anon, my sponsor and my HP gave me the strength to live my own life.
OMG the mother/child relationship is what I feel we have a lot of the time! My kids dr. says she hears this a lot from women and most of what he said to me the other day applies to himself not me!
__________________
You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
