conflicting feelings - Al-Anon Family Group

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

conflicting feelings

sunshine23 · Veteran Member

Conflicted feelings seem to be a way of life for me for a long time and is still is. As much as I miss AH, I cannot be with him because it is only causing us to spiral down together.

Today he gets to see the kids again and we went to the zoo. I prayed about it, finally held his hand and said get well. He was shocked because for the longest time, I do not touch him although I really would like to because I am so resentful. He was not mean today. I held his hand for a little while more as I say a silent prayer for grace to cover him. Sometimes I feel that I am so done while sometimes I really want him back at all costs. I asked myself if he betrays me, how will I feel? As much as I hate his drinking self, I know I will be really sad if he does betray me.

This is something my family cannot understand. How can I ever consider allowing him back to my life after being hurt so badly? Even I cannot understand this.

That's why this site is such a blessings because I can always write down what I feel any time and listen to some wisdom.

-- Edited by sunshine23 on Sunday 18th of May 2014 03:53:38 AM

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I dont think you are responsible for him making the decision to drive drunk, how can you stop him? Especially when your already trying to keep the peace, are you scared of him? Your thinking of how you and your daughter can get peace from a drunk man. Maybe you could call the police next time, thats probably the right thing to do. For me, if he kills someone and I could have prevented it through making a phone call, I would find that difficult to live with. You can only deal with your own part in it. Can you make an anonymous call, if your worried about what he would do or say if he found out it was you, I mean, anyone could work out a drivers drunk and phone In with the plate numbers. If he gets charged with drunk driving, then that his his proper consequence, is there consequences for you if this happens? It may be sensible to work on protecting yourself for these consequences, in my experience, we dont get away with anything forever. An innocent person should not be part of these consequences if it can be helped. Pray for the courage to do the right thing next time this happens and know that it is not your fault, its his.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It is not your job to police and control him. It's not your job to "get him out" of parties before becoming an embarrassment. It's not your job to stop him from driving drunk. Inappropriate guilt and attempts to control the disease are hallmarks for those affected by alcoholism. That is why the 3 C's are so important. You didn't cause this, can't control it, can't cure it. That includes not just the drinking, but all the behaviors that go with it. You are making choices to detach to avoid conflict. I see that at good in many ways, though it is leaving YOU conflicted because these are things that are against your values and that you want to take a stand on. Point is, you HAVE taken a stand on these things multiple times and it didn't make a difference right?

How do you reconcile? You are doing this a day at a time and making choices with aid from your HP. If mental detachment and avoiding arguments is what it takes to stay with him for now and that is what you want, accept it and be at peace with it. It is what it is and this is what you are doing to do your best to cope with the insanity of this disease. No need to down yourself about how you deal with someone else's insanity. If his actions and choices become too at odds with you and you feel like you are compromising too much, then you consider detachment in the form of leaving. This is your journey and it's not about him. Let God be responsible for him...not you.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I relate to your share, TOC. I was embarrassed by my A's behavior because I saw it at first as a reflection on me and not on him. In time, I realized what was a reflection on me was what I was willing to accept and endure. I truly couldn't live with a person who consistently thumbed his nose at laws, the rights of other people to be safe from harm at his hand, the rights of children to live with a man who was aware of them without being in a chemically altered state, and my right to say what I meant, mean what I said and not say it mean without being attacked either verbally or physically in my own home. I had to admit that I didn't trust him and didn't respect him and could no longer be around him without feeling the need to go to another room to get away from him. For me, that was no way to live. I had to face my fears and I had to face what was holding me in a situation that was toxic before I could move on. The thing that was holding me back the most was my own religious upbringing and the belief that once married - always married. In hindsight, my HP was doing everything but imposing on my own freewill to move me out of that cesspool that I lived in. My lawyer told me on the day the divorce was finalized that he hadn't ever experienced so much joy as I displayed when the papers were all signed. I told him the truth. "I know I'm going to live!" I do not regret divorcing him. I don't even regret marrying him. I'm just happy that my HP helped me recognize what I was doing to myself by staying in a horrible relationship that wasn't right for me - or me for him - and helping me face the biggest reason I stayed in that marriage for so long. My story may not be yours, yet I offer it to you humbly to take what you like or to leave it, TOC.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

He is a grown man and to think you have any control over his decisions, well that is the basis of why I found al-anon in the first place. My A did what A's do everywhere we went and it did embarrass me, but I learned after awhile to have my own life so his behavior didn't affect me. I hung out with women and took me time with them to have a reprieve at times. Have you read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews? That book helped me learn so much about myself and my life. Sending you much love and support on your journey!

RoseODAT · Senior Member

Everybody here has given good input.
....we feel so responsible for them and that is not true.

The Three C's - I Didn't Cause It, I Can't Control It, I Can't Cure It.

Keep coming back. Keep it simple.

PS. I've experienced conflicted feelings and it actually had quite the effect of me. So I have to "keep coming back" to see things with a little more clarity.

-- Edited by RoseODAT on Sunday 18th of May 2014 08:49:25 AM

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

ok soooo ive read all of these responses a few times. . and well, i think im an alanon failure. . not really but. . heres the thing. . yes, i got us out of the evening to avoid further embarassment. ,BUT, i saw that as taking care of me not him. . i coukd care less what HE looks like i was protecting my sanity. . i was no longer enjoyong myself. as for letting him leave and drive. . well, thing is, my daughter and i were home safe, i didnt want to deal with him and honestly, there is no setting a boundary or limit when he is already well into his drinking. so i prayed that God would take care of him and let go. . its not a limit ir boundary. . its simply taking care of my sanity, however. . i relize im compromising. my whole marriage is a compromuse and i grin and bear wayyyy to much. . but i refuse to leave. . call it a weakness,a flaw, whatever. . i know the choice i make everday and its got compromises and consequences.
someone asked if im scared. . well. . honestly im not comfortable with irrational peopke in general and the way i see it a drunk person isnt rational so at that point its about looking out for me. avoiding conflict and peace keeping. my feelibgs run wide and deep. . thete is no easy way. . if it were simple, i would walk out. . if it were simple i wouldnt be posting here.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Sending you my best, Theoceancalls.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

No it is not simple but it need not be so complex either. I over complicated things to avoid making necessary changes. This is why "keep it simple," "one day at a time," and "easy does it" are so common in 12 step meetings of all types. Everyone here has a qualifier or has had one here. Your situation is no more complicated than others. Posting here does not mean it's so complicated. Generally speaking, I think we learn in recovery that it's not other people and situations that are complicated, it's how we think, feel, react, and the attitudes we adopt that are complicated. So "easy does it" OTC. Be kind to yourself.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Maybe you acted "perfectly" in this scenario. How bout that interpretation? Looking at it that way is just as valid or more valid than as a tragic conundrum. Might as well adopt attitudes that foster your happiness (while still sticking to you morals obviously).

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

he is an adult, he made the choice. We can only control ourselves. Some situations we can get the keys etc disable the vehicle. But the others we have to give to hp.

teaching our kids we are responsible for our choices not others is a healthy thing! Its easy to say, honey I cannot control what daddy does.

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

debilyn, i needed this. . youre right on. he IS an adult and i cant control him my job is to take care of me and my daughter. i have to try to foster health to my dau ghter despite the inconsistencies she lives with due to dads alcoholism and my reactions. my biggest worry is how to better hardwire her brain so she sees that HIS lifestyle is not the one to follow. . i worry as to how to better program her to see that addiction solves NOTHING and that her dads irresponsible behavior is not ok. thank you for responding to me.

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

pinkchip, to think i may have reacted "perfectly" truly made me breahe a bit easier. thank you for that thought

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

You can only show her through example. If you set boundaries and follow through with what you say she will learn that. If you dont put up with unacceptable behaviour then she will learn that and the opposite is true, if she sees you accepting unacceptable behaviour then she will be more likely to accept it and feel comfortable accepting it. Theres no guarantee that she wont follow his lifestyle, shes living it everyday with you and she may be genetically predisposed, then again shes female so her role model may be you. Either way bringing up children in an alcoholic home is very risky. All 3 of my children have been affected, all in different ways.
I would recommend committing seriously to alanon, learn it, live it, and your daughter will pick it up really quickly. If you wont do it for you then do it for her.x

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