The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been watching a series recently that has been a bit emotionally "stirring" because the main character both looks eerily like, and also behaves eerily like the A (in earlier days when he was more "irresistible, lovable rogue" and less "angry beard-covered crazy guy". (I'm watching it because it's funny, I didn't know it was about an A-type guy to begin with).
What caught my attention is, the character is seeing a girl for a time under really similar circumstances to our early days together. He goes out drinking every night and trying to score with other women, and turns up on her doorstep, drunk, in the small hours looking for comfort and a soft bed and breakfast. She doesn't want a relationship but falls in love with him and keeps giving in and letting him in. He eventually decides that since she is so good to him, she is "miss right".
So he moves into her flat but he agonises over the fact that although he knows she is so nice and lovely and "right", he is obsessed with another lady who is really mean and awful, and he eventually breaks up with his girlfriend telling her "you're lovely and sweet and good for me and I wish I could be happy with you but there is something wrong with me and I want something bad and destructive and exciting" or words to that effect.
What struck me about this is that, a couple of years ago, on hearing this, it would have meant nothing to me to be "sweet" or "lovely" or "good". I would have just wanted to know what the nasty lady was so that I could be that instead and I would have tried to be more mean and exciting to win him back. I didn't value anything about myself other than what the A seemed to appreciate. I was so insincere.
I'm so not about wishing I was something else so that a charismatic "he" will like me or find me exciting now. Even in my lonely moments, I like who I am (even the bits that are under development) and hope that I eventually have the opportunity to meet someone amazing to me who likes me too, and enjoys growing with me. In my "not lonely" moments, I feel like I will be OK even if never find that connection and live out my life just enjoying the peace and freedom from self-hatred that I have found.
What a gift. I'm so grateful for it!! Yay for being OK with me.
Beautiful share, Melly. Powerful insight into what works for you and what doesn't work. And for what it is worth - and I don't have a crystal ball - I do think there will come a day when you will be a relationship to an SO - and he will be nothing like the others. It will be a mutual partnership that benefits not only you and your partner but people around you, too. I have known couples whose chemistry was undeniable - almost palpable positive energy - and neither needed the other but certainly complemented each other in ways that expanded beyond their little union into the community around them in so many growth-inducing ways. I don't know why and yet intuition tells me this will probably happen for you at some point in the future. There are some "power couples" in the world who bring about some pretty special changes together. Perhaps you and the unknown he might become one of those few power couples? One of the things I know to be true is that some of the most beautiful and majestic trees have grown straight and tall in some of the deepest manure. You have grown stronger through some very dark and slimy things that were not your doing and have managed to keep your mind open and your heart soft. I can't help but think of you as one of those majestic trees.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 17th of May 2014 02:59:36 PM
'under development' haha, thats me too. I can relate to so much that you say here. I lost myself too but I didn't know who I was to even know I lost it. I was a people pleaser that would bend in many directions to fit in or belong. Now, like you I actually like myself, I have some respect and kindness for myself, I can see my value and Im actually an okay person. I love that word 'grateful' I never used it before.x
