some days are hard, others, not so much - Al-Anon Family Group

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

some days are hard, others, not so much

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Can you fire the friend? Can you hire a more reliable live in who has credentials and a firm behind her?

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh I see he is there taking care of her when the paid caregivers are not. But causes problems when they are there.

I don't know what the problems are so it's hard to respond. I guess I would make sure the ones who help mom know he is a pill and some guidelings how to handle it.

Be sad for her to lose her home becuz of him. If they can stay home it is better for them. They are already confused enough. I know that it not what you need to hear!

I don't know what the caregivers do either. If it were me I would work around him, ignore if I had to.Just be polite. Depends on how he is.

If you want to pm me and share more I am open to that. I know you want so much to honor your moms wishes. My being 61 I don't tell my son how much i really need to live with him. I have my animals and he says one dog...lol so I gotta stay healthy.

hugs hon, deb

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Doesn't seem right that the person hired to be a care taker would run your Mom and workers off. Sorry you are in this position. Sending you love and support through this!

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Lynn)))))

I have a dear friend in a similar situation to you - her mother has dementia and there are two paid care givers helping. One thing I've noticed is that the care givers do sometimes complain about each other and I admire my friend's approach which is to ask herself 'is this causing my mum any upset?' If the answer is yes, she acts on it. If the answer is no then she politely suggests that the care givers relax and go with the flow.

Is it the care giver's complaints that are troubling you or are you worried about the actions of your mother's friend as well (based on your own observations?). I sometimes think that caregivers like to come to us with problems and forget that as next of kin and loving children we are concerned and stressed as well. We need a bit of care as well sometimes!

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Lynn,

You have been given some excellent thoughts from the others, and so I hope you will not be offended by mine, I work in residential care and for some families this sometimes has to be another option, to consider, I was fortunate with the help of my brothers and sister to look after our mum without having to place her in residential care something she feared too and made very clear she did not want, it is not always possible to carry out our families wishes and things health wise can change so quickly, caring for a much loved parent with deteriorating health problems is draining, you have to consider yourself too and your situation, sometimes what we want to do,and what we have been asked to do, we have to think clearly and ask ourselves is it possible.

We do daycare in my residential home, some times this leads to a permanent admission, Milkwood is correct, care givers, be it family or friends do need loving support too, it;s a terribly difficult time for all.

love

Katy

x

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Thats hard, its difficult enough to deal with dementia never mind an alcoholic, its like dealing with 2 demented people at the same time.i think your responsibility lies with the safety of your mum. It can be difficult, dangerous and take wits to live and survive with an alcoholic. Your mum wished to stay in her own home, that was a different mum with a grip on reality, your mum today doesnt have the same mind so therefor may not have the same needs and may have different wishes. This is your decision if you are the next of kin and I think you should do whatever you feel is right for your mum based on the facts right now.x

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks so much everyone for your support. Changes will have to be made.

I always think the end of one's life should be peaceful. It's not always so. I'll keep you guys posted. Lyne

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks, Lyne.

My Dad had stroke-induced Alzheimer's/dementia. He was so sweet and easy in temperament as the disease started its progressive nature. An alcoholic could have run right over him as it progressed. We did put him into Assisted Living as he had multiple issues that the family just couldn't address on a 24 hour basis. It was a wonderful place where the staff truly did care about the residents and even there we had to look out for those people who could easily manipulate and steal from him (not staff but some of the residents and some family members, too.) In many ways, it broke our hearts to allow our brother who had POA to place Dad in AL against his will and yet, given the reality of his mental capacity and his physical limits and the progressive nature of the disease, it was the best option. It took about 3 months for Dad to get used to being where he was after multiple remarks about his getting too old and his family not wanting him anymore. After that initial period, he and some residents and staff bonded, and he was happy and said so. "The people here are so good to me. I'd recommend this place to anybody." Of course, family did visit him, call him, and some of us took him out places if he wanted to go, but it was the best although not the ideal choice we could make at that time.

These situations with our loved ones can be golden in that we can return to them some of what they offered us when we needed them. They are also painful and sticky at times. The Al-Anon program, my sponsor and MIP were a big help to me throughout the last year and one half of my father's life. I will always be grateful to all three. I don't think I could have handled things as well as I was able to do (and not perfectly) without knowledge of the program and the help of the fellowship.

Glad you're here, Lyne. Prayers for your Mom and you and your family, too.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.