A Question....ok what makes ya not answer???? - Al-Anon Family Group

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

A Question....ok what makes ya not answer????

Raven Juniper · Senior Member

I've been thinking about this too as I do some work on myself. I have not had the best run of luck in the relationships department, but in my case it's been because I've made choices from my codependency issues. I've also left my HP out of my decisions. So if I'm ever faced with a possible relationship again, I'm going to pray to my HP for guidance. And wait for the answer this time, lol. Until that time I know I need to work on my program and learn to love myself, but it's still lots of work putting that knowledge into action. Just writing out what your share made me think about....and the fact that I've never even had ONE good romantic relationship! Lol:/

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

To me, you didn't do the same thing. You were your same open person, yes that part is the same. The difference is this with last friend, from have seen you tell. He chose throughout your ten years knowing him to stay in his family. That is what precluded the two of you being together. He was not available. Even though the two of you lived in different time zones, he was filling an emotional need you had. He was unavailable, nonetheless. He continued to chose to stay in his family. The difference is he reached the point of showing you he would not change to be with you.

I don't mean to diminish his importance to you before that point.

It does mean that with this understanding and once you recover your footing, you can be more protective of yourself. You are too precious to wander into an unavailable trap. That's how we learn - from being burned.

It was here I learned to watch what another person does, regardless of what is said.

-- Edited by Jill on Friday 16th of May 2014 02:28:55 PM

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Wisdom I read once upon a time, after my first divorce, was to give yourself 5 years between relationships; and in that five years - think about what went wrong, what part you played in it, what you liked and didn't like, etc. - dissect the relationship so you don't keep making the same mistakes. of course I didn't listen to that advice then, I'm listening now. My relationship with my ex-ah was in a large part due to me not paying attention to red-flags that should have warned me away from him from the very beginning. Now days I meet guys, but a little bit of sitting back and watching how they are goes long way toward me knowing if I want to know them any better. And, I am no longer loneliness driven; I really get that it is better to be alone than to be with the wrong person - being WITH the wrong person taught me that! I am working on being happy and true to myself so that if ever someone new does make it past my first line of defense I will be who I want to be and able to be that person regardless and unchanging/unchangeable. I won't compromise on what I want, won't settle for less than I deserve; I will be treated the way I believe I deserve to be treated. I think part of the "doing the same thing over and over again" includes NOT taking the time to think about what went wrong, not taking the time to let them show us who they are and listen to that little voice saying - uh, maybe you should ..... Society has us believing that if we aren't part of a couple, something is wrong with us, and we let that make decisions for us rather than making the decision based on what is best for us.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think all relationships ending means anything other than the lessons might be learned and now on to the next? In every relationship I've experienced, I have learned things about myself that I needed to know and grew. Not one was failed. All were necessary for my growth. I couldn't have done the same thing over and over again because every relationship I left (and I ended most of them), I was changed and drawing another type of person to me to learn something else of value. That's been my experience anyway.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I have learned a lot about myself in my dating relationships and I do not regret even the hard lessons they have made me stronger and know what I will and will not want in my next relationship. I do take some time in between relationships until I feel ready again. I make sure I am not desperate or just bored before trying again and that I am coming from a healthy place emotionally, physically and Spiritually. My counselors and sponsor have helped me through them all since my divorce and it was good to get a second opinion that I was ready. Now did I pick healthy people every time no, but I do not blame myself until about 6 months of seeing someone on a regular basis, I don't believe you really see them clearly and only after that time do you get to see them more as they really are. I have learned so much about me and have had fun dating which I never got to do as a young woman having met my exAh at 17. I now am alert for red flags and know what is and is not acceptable for me in a relationship. I have worked very hard on being strong and having self worth and a back bone. Now communication is hard, but I am working on it, and that is how it goes for me, it is about progress not perfection. When I am alone I am working on me diligently, but the things I really need work on is when I am in a dating relationship, it is harder for me to keep my balance, but I am getting better at it. I am always growing and learning and know that no one has to be my forever, but I am my own forever to take good care of myself. I am not searching for someone to take care of me or to take care of, just someone to share the journey with. I am very independent these days and will not let anyone own my power besides me and I can be touchy about it, but for good reason. Sending you love and support!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Deb, join the group...I have had horrible luck w/relationships too....more work needed on me??? repeating some old pattern w/lesson not learned yet???? Dunno....or maybe it is just the world is very very screwed up and folks are less healthy.......

I am not lookin...not expectin...not hopin for anything outside of me........told Creator that if he wants someone for me, hes gonna have to THROW him at me......

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I like the responses and relate. I know for me that "assuming" has played a big part in my relationships...assuming that they want what I want and that they will give what I give. Enablers give all...all the time and that is hard to match. I was taught in Al-Anon that when enablers die the life or lives other others pass before their eyes...lol obviously because they have lived the lives of others more determinedly. Just assuming has me not looking at the important signals and not making good decisions for me and for the relationship as in my early marriages. Not looking at the signals or passing them up or denying they were there had me agree to marrying alcoholics and addicts. No good. I had to change and one of the biggest changes was in attitudes about wanting and needing and loving. I learned to understand and then to say when it was appropriate and true, "I love you and like having you with me and I don't need you". Today I have self love so I don't need another person to complete me or give me or make me happy. I can do that or and with myself. I still make choice mistakes and my responses are very different if things go awry. I still have myself and my HP with me. ((((hugs)))) smile

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

After reading all the responses I only have this to say: the world is full of broken people, addicts and normies alike. I have chosen to work on focusing on my HP(God) and focusing on learning more about ME and then letting the chips fall where they may. I am too tired to overanalyze my relationships anymore, LOL! Maybe someday my baggage will be a matching set with someone else's baggage and I will be in a relationship that's healthier than where I am now(maybe with my current AH, maybe not). I wish I had a better answer but I've been with my AH for over 20 years and never had a long term relationship before him so I don't have much experience!

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Debs,

You have been loved Debs and given love so you know what that feels like, I have gone a bit cynical of late but only because I have seen what appeared to be happily long time couples get divorced, I have been around these people and there was no reason to believe anything else, there was definately love there once, some people just don't seem able to sustain it, temptation selfishness, a, I want to have it, got to have it now attitude, I hold my hands up I have chased the dream of happy ever after, and now? There is only so much I can change about myself, if people leave me then i will put it down to us not be right for one another, I can so easily be in love with the idea of being in love, I can also love someone that is not right for me and accept that and let them go, what I can't do is not feel sad when good people get hurt, because people arn't honest, it;s the not knowing that drives a person crazy, honesty I can deal with, your Steven talked a good talk, he took what he needed from you when he was not free of obligation to offer you anything more, so your asking how do you stop getting in those situations ? There is no answer, just be the best self you can be, did he love you? possibly yes? in his own way, did you love him? I am totally sure you did, just remember what people do is a reflection on them!

love

Katy

x

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

I used to choose people who I knew were unavailable emotionally or otherwise.

i mean, I didn't "know" it but somewhere deep down in my ego I knew.

The whole story I told myself and he told himself and all that other stuff wasn't even real. The bottom line is it was a big game and I would play it well with myself.

i did this so I could be in pain when it ended.

SunshineGirl · Senior Member

Interesting question and shares. Thank you.

This is something I have thought too. I am very doubtful that I would ever want a relationship again. I have worked on my patterns so I feel I am unlikely to be attracted to an addict again so I am not worried about that. The traits that previously would have had me running to the direction of an addict full of excitement about 'rescuing' him now have me yawning.

I rather like the idea of some years enjoying my own company.

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

I like that idea too
But as we grow it is in Gods hands.
The #1 mistake I see people do is look for it.
All we have to do is learn to use our discernment. Is it selfish or not? That is the question in the BB of AA. Same foes for them as for us - and ALL human beings, as it says in there.

Beatrice · Senior Member

I think its different from women to women,

Especially women who have been married to addicts, lets be honest. Its a difficult path, but not without growth and the capacity to understand and try to help
others along the way.

I have been married 3 times, but only one was the alcoholic, married for 26 years to him and eight to both of the others. That's 42 years of marriage. The first one snatched
my daughter, the 2nd one had a mental breakdown due to our son passing at 2 yrs old, he passed away 15 years ago of a heart attack and of course the A that I was married too for
26 years and that was no picnic. He passed away last July from this disease.

My feeling has been that Ive devoted a lot of years to marriage and now its been almost 8 years on my own. Dated one man, but saw myself as third on his list and and X wife that he still seemed married too, and for the first time, I listened to my gut, and got out of that one. Since then have dated no one.

I'm not bitter, I think if people find love and a great relationship that's wonderful. I'm just trying to be quiet and do what's best for me. And really listen to my intuition and HP. So far the Universe is telling me, you are fine for now. Last October I went to my 50th HS reunion, I wasn't planning on going. But the boy, now a man I went with in my senior year called me and said was going If I would go, I was so surprised he called me like that. I think that was the only reason why I went, he is married. 50 years ago, I ran away , not from him, from a family situation and married another. He told me that his life has been unhappy for 50 years, without me being there, he is also a Viet Nam vet. He was reaching out to me for some answers of why I left as he thought he had done something to make me leave. We have had many conversations on the phone, we talk frequently. He is highly intelligent and we can talk for hours .

It was the biggest mistake of my life, for when I went down that path, there was nothing but suffering, pain and heartache for 50 years. When my last husband passed away, it almost seemed like he died , so I could go on and try to put all that behind me and live again.

I truly believe I violated some law of the Universe when I left at such a young age, because love had found me at such a young age and treated it so cavalier and didn't recognize it, because I never really found it again. This older man who I knew when I was young tells me he has loved me forever and will always and you know its dawned on me I feel the same. It's not a fantasy, we have had many conversations, it was very painful to go thru, as I buried it. But now I have more clarity about my life and its turn of events.

Of course he is married and I respect that, he is a man of morals and loyalty.

What I take away from all this is that its a serious business when you get involved with another person, and as you see we don't always get to marry or be with the ones we love and sometimes we marry because we have needs and wants that day or month or year. But we must be right with ourselves before we can be right for anyone. It takes a long time to know a person, their values, their character, their families. It takes a long time to know ourselves, it takes a lifetime...

We should always be grateful for the philosophy of Alanon, that teaches us to live our lives in a spiritual and higher way.....great topic Deb

Bettina

-- Edited by Beatrice on Sunday 18th of May 2014 01:04:32 PM

-- Edited by Beatrice on Sunday 18th of May 2014 01:05:37 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

In a way it is very sad. My son is only 37 and he says so why would I want another relationship? I see what happens.

myself I am past caring anymore. I too feel I have had the best, met some wonderful men, but due to death, surgery, choices here I am alone again.

Same as my dogs. I do not want anymore dogs. Losing this last one about killed me. No longer do I believe having them, or having a good man/friend as long as I do makes it worthwhile.

One is coming on to me now. He is super nice, but it all makes me feel sick and would you please just go away.

I loved everone of these shares, thank you thank you!!!!

Not all the men in my life were A's btw. But the thing is I do like A's a lot. They do have their good points too. Not all are full of bad behaviors. hugs!

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

Like everyone in recovery in every fellowship I needed a total overhaul in my sex conduct life. That's why the BB devotes an entire third of the 4th step to it. If other fellowships really did the same steps as AA as Alanons Trafition 5 states, we would all be writing an entire sex conduct inventory.
I know a guy in AA who keeps his in the trunk of his car. lol
Probably to remind himself and also so his wife doesn't find it!
He's a good husband today. Unselfish. Big Book men are the best in recovery.

If i were going to be in a romance I pray it would be with one of them, in any fellowship. Someone who's really doing the work I'm doing. It would be nice.
I would not be with an A who hadn't done it. No way, much as I love them too.

I found that all my sex conduct problems were of my own making. It was just real humbling to see it, and remember, I had to look at my faults when I was in all the pain of being publicly humiliated on a large scale. It was NOT easy to see my part. Some days my pride still creeps in.

Yet I trust God to take me to better things if I am willing to grow along spiritual lines.

We're not dead, ladies. ;-\

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