Communication is NOT easy for me and I suck at it really! - Al-Anon Family Group

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Communication is NOT easy for me and I suck at it really!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, BF: My own experience in this area had to do with how safe I truly felt in relationship to a man. There were some I could easily share my true thoughts and feelings with and it wasn't forced. I just knew intuitively that what I revealed in their presence was true for me, couldn't be used against me, and no matter what happened in the revelation, I would be fine. There were others that I knew intuitively wanted more from me than I was willing to share and the more they pushed, the less I was willing to share. Others showed me who they were and I knew intuitively were not worthy of my innermost thoughts and feelings and I kept them to myself. In some cases, I got hurt. In other cases, I gained a very close friend. Regardless, my innermost thoughts and feelings were mine and whether or not I chose to share them and when I shared them was up to me.

One delightful man I dated noticed that when he bent down to put out his cigar in an ashtray on my coffee table with his arm around me while my feet and legs rested on the table, I suddenly snatched my legs back and sat up straight. He asked me with a grin, "What did you think? That I was going to burn you?" I answered him honestly that my x had burnt me purposely with a cigarette while I was on the floor at his feet and my arm draped over his legs trustingly. When I snatched my arm back and turned to look at his face, his expression was one of mean pleasure that he had hurt me purposely and enjoyed it. From that point on, because my friend listened without trying to fix everything or jump up to defend my honor in a "where is he?" manner, I was able to share myself more and more because he truly cared about me and showed it. He was the first person I shared my experience of abuse with and he was there for me in ways that were healing and helpful to my growth. We didn't end up together. He was British and in my hometown for only the summer. But, it was me who chose him to date and to share my true thoughts and feelings and experiences. I could trust me and I could trust him.

I could communicate just fine. What I shared and with whom came with listening to myself and trusting myself to choose wisely and/or to recognize that I had survived some pretty awful stuff and could trust myself to take care of myself no matter who the other person might be.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 16th of May 2014 09:38:21 AM

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been able to share about my past and abuse I grew up with physically, sexually and all of that and he handled it all awesome. My biggest problem is when he says something not mean, but sarcastically, which I do all the time, I take it to heart and it hurts my feelings, I shut down instead of say, hey that hurt, did you mean and say how I took it. I can do that with my girlfriends just fine. When I can finally talk to him about when I have had my feelings hurt he is such a gentlemen about it and apologizes, he really is a stand up man. I just am not used to it nor being around a man that wants to know every time he hurts my feelings. I want to think in my head I am just being sensitive and work through it. I have shared a lot with this man and feel completely safe with him. Not sure if I am being overly sensitive at this point or if I just need to get better at calling him out when he says insensitive things. Thanks for your ESH grateful2be.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I've read a few books on communication and relationships that aren't Al Anon books, but they've helped me immensely in communication skills, not just with men but with other people in general. The books are mostly marriage books, but they did help me grant myself some reprieve from the negative tape which played in my head over and over again when it came to how I communicate with others. My AH constantly attacked me about how I talked, how I told a story, how loud I was and that people were looking at me, etc so I tend to overanalyze myself and chastise myself when I start to shut down or feel the need to walk away from a conversation.

I think it just takes practice and you can let this man know that it's something you want to work on and that, if he's up for it, you'd love to practice with him. You know that Al Anon saying, "Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean."? I've always struggled with that because I don't know what MEAN actually means and if I am MEAN, would I even know it? I tend to be a beat around the bush or say nothing at all and shove it down kind of person, and I know that's a real problem in intimate relationships. It sounds like you have a ton of awareness and that you are enjoying your time with this man. Take a few deep breaths, enjoy him, enjoy you, and enjoy life. He is willing to work on things with you and it sounds like you are willing too, as well. That's a great start and will help you both get over the bumps as you get to know each other better! HUGS! So happy for you!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

You are not being overly sensitive, BF, if he is being sarcastic. Sarcasm rips at the fiber of relationships in my experience and there is no place for it in a trusting relationship. Sarcasm seems to me to be a way to hide our true thoughts and feelings and is a block to intimacy. It does tend to pull the rug out from under us and pushes us into self-doubt. I like to be in relationships where I know where I stand and I want the other person to know where I stand, too. Sarcasm is unacceptable to me and I say so in so many words or actions. Just looking at somebody who has just employed sarcasm can send the message that I won't accept it. Asking "What is it that you really want to say to me?" also helps. Of course you shut down. The sarcasm hit you, you felt it and you don't like it. Using that pause to sort out what you want to do next in relationship to yourself and then with him isn't a bad thing or a defect in my experience. It is a way to take care of yourself and then to deal with the inappropriate way of being in an intimate relationship.

Even good natured teasing has its place and in my experience should be used sparingly.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

I grew up with two elder brothers and there was plenty of good natured teasing between us - but always with love and trust. I think that having learnt to distance myself from AH and having become less trusting I am more easily confused by teasing and less resilient to sarcasm. I'm fairly sure that it is going to take me a while to feel comfortable with intimacy again - I like to imagine that it will take a gentle, patience and kind person to unlock that level of trust, but I can sense myself pulling back from people when that feeling of closeness crops up. To be honest I think that I can learn be that gentle, patient and kind person for myself first and foremost - which might make it a lot easier for me and any future partner in my life as well!

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Now that I'm single after so many years, I have found it difficult to figure out what to share and what not to share. I have been so used to the drama over the past years that it's hard to just have a normal conversation with a person of the opposite sex. I don't want to over-share, but I also don't want to be superficial, or heaven forbid, boring. I think that's why I haven't been trying to put myself out there much. I'm trying for figure out just who I am right now and what I might want in a future relationship. It's kinda scary to take risks right now. I can't imagine myself single for the rest of my life, but I also find that being alone has kept my current situation simple and uncomplicated. You're a lot younger than me, so we might have different perspectives, but I think we both share in the dilemma of how do we feel about ourselves and what do we really want right now. This "new normal" is a blessing and a curse!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Honey, I was just like you. But with S I learned with his help to trust him and depend on him. He wanted me to let things out too. Like you it was hard. What I found was, I would just say it.Or start sharing a tiny bit.

You might practice writing it down. For instance, "I feel......oh let me see if I can find this one book...

I worked hard on my relationship with S. I know he loved me that was not the obstacle, his two grandkids and his condependance was.

"The Manual," by Steve Santagati. Excellent book to get to know the mans mind and what he thinks. MEN do not think like we do. you know those darn tops that barely button and we hate it. Guess what they love it. they are thinking they will pop open at anytime..lots of things like that. sheesh.

"How to Marry The Man of Your Choice." by margaret Kent. great book, will help you to know how and what to say or ask. It really does.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is a long time great one. S told me about it, I read it.

There is nothing wrong with educating yourself about how to have a good relationship. I found I already was like what they like. I always always had cool men in my life. Now i know why. But after being widowed the first time, I was damaged. Was very willling to heal though.

Now I am not interested. Have had a few guys trying to woo me. I respond but let them know I am find by myself right now.

I am telling you these books are GREAT.

Don't push yourself! You will be ready when you are. Now you know i don't believe in sex before marriage, so if you are talking that kind of intimate talk....the reason is honestly you were not ready to have sex with him. If you were those words would come out.

Now what? read the books. You can put a slow down on the intimacy too, to work more on the friendship. If one is physical too fast it honestly can mess up the relationship. Again I feel we mature into wanting sex as women. Men well they think about it the moment they see a female.

Its ok to say hey I love you but am not ready for that. Its ok to stop it for awhile. If he leaves, that is a sure sign he is not the man you thought he was.

A man who truly truly loves you, will not leave you. Same if you love someone you won't.

Please do not be down on yourself. this is a happy time. Tell him you are doing your best, feelings are there, you are learning to express them.

He does not want to feel it is from your past. But from wanting so much to share with him and you are getting where you want to.

I am glad you came here and let it out. You are a special cookie u no! YOU can do about anything, and if a guy realllllly loves, wants you, will not leave!

Hugs! your old lady friend in Oregon

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I do have my eyes wide open and yes I left my exAh 4 years ago and this is my third relationship. I dated a man for 6 months right away, then took 6 months alone. I dated the next guy for 9 months and he hid his true self really well before it creeped out and now I was single almost a year. This new guy is a sweetheart so far and he isn't pushing that hard, I was more upset that I want to shut down instead of talk through my emotions. I know everyone wants me to not blame myself, but honestly some of my old character survival tools do me no good when with healthier people. I am not saying this guy is perfect or without fault. I am aware I like to be in a relationship, but also feel I took time to get to know me, my wants and needs and am working towards my goals without losing site of them. I am still a Mom, student and employee first because those are my priorities. I too tease him and can be sarcastic. I know sarcasm is a hot button for so many and well I do use it at times, but try to never make it a tearing down remark, but I can be a smart arse, which is probably not helpful either, but usually gets a good chuckle from everyone. I am not blindly being led anywhere anymore, no worries. I posted this again on my share because I don't want my MIP family to think he is alone in using sarcasm or teasing, I throw plenty his way and we usually laugh about it not taking it personally. When anything does hit me deep it is about me not feeling worthy and he notices right away and apologizes and means it. He doesn't go there again and tries so hard to make sure I know how special I am to him. I have work to do and have to learn to communicate through it otherwise repeat cycles of old that did me no good before. I have done the work alone and feel like this life is about relationships and I strive for a healthy one. This is my journey and I feel very strongly I do have a great head on my shoulders and do work a good program, it is obviously never going to be perfect, but strive to keep my balance and be with someone on my journey to compliment my life and to help keep me on point. I do not need a man in my life, nor is he filling up any emptiness in me. I have God and many girlfriends who love and support me for that. I do however want to have a healthy man in my life to share my journey and I am just trying to get ESH and figure out how to get out of my head and in this life when kinks on my walk appear. Thank you all for the ESH and love and support!

-- Edited by Breakingfree on Friday 16th of May 2014 01:30:48 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Are u angry?

I see you as just what you described. Hardworking, strong, fun, great mom, good friend! I hope you know that of me.

Me too on the teasing etc. That is fun, and most guys like that! They like a challenge and a lady they can have fun with, goof around with. Tomboys are such favorites of a lot of men.

They like your stengths of character. That has nothing to do with letting out emotions. S is a super guy but emotions were hard for him with everyone but me.

Do you know what emotions you do feel? I know me and I cannot push anything in me. does no good. I feel what I do. I share what I feel comfy with.

sending you hugs you little prickly pear! lol hugs!!!!

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Everyone that I have let into my heart thus far as a man hasn't cared enough or wasn't healthy enough to dig into me like this and I find it awesome and scary at the same time.

I can only share my own experience with this so please take what you like and leave the rest. My early attempts at having a healthy relationship were filled with long hours of far too deep sharing with a new person. It seemed even at first meetings with men, they needed so much information about my past to decide whether we should actually go out. It really got old after awhile. I felt like I was always in interview mode. I finally said to one man, "I'm thinking we're probably going to be spending an hour getting to know one another, do you need all the information about me in this hour to know if should go to dinner and maybe a movie together next week?" I laughed and then he did too and things lightened up and became more fun.

This guy is very new to your life. I hope you won't overestimate his emotional availability and underestimate your own. It takes time to get to really know a person who is new to our life. You're worth that time and that can't be quantified. (((hugs)))) TT

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

if my instincts tell me it is right...if i see no red flags...i THINK i could hold up my end of a relationship, if such a thing exists for someone my age, however, that said, i know for myself, i find that if i just BE ME, things go a lot smoother, more natural, less forced, etc.....

i kinda suck at trusting, too, but it can happen with time effort encouragement no pressure, etc i am just slower than a lot of folks and for good reason....fences not walls.....

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't tell him much besides general information and never details. He isn't diving into my past, I give up things as I feel comfortable and he shares some of his stuff. We have walked around these nature trails around his house a couple times lately and it is very nice, just hand in hand talking about our kids, work, life in general and we laugh a lot. He is wanting me to just be able to talk to him when I get frustrated or annoyed with him instead of shut down, which it honestly takes me awhile to not just want to hide that I was even offended when he sticks his foot in his mouth and I clam up for a bit. I am not angry with my beloved MIP family Deb nor my guy, I find it funny everyone wants to find fault with him, when I was bringing my communication fault here. I know I am loved here and can be vulnerable here, this really tickles me and makes me love this place even more. So many care for me from all over and I have even been private messaged by a few of you which I love honestly. He is a guy that has been single for awhile and hasn't date much and admits he is trying to curb his teasing since we both realized it did hurt me a couple times. He is used to working with guys all day and I am sure they are pretty insensitive to each others feelings and don't take it personally, I like to joke around, but there are rules and I am sensitive, which I am just becoming aware of and granted allowed to be. It is far easier to be alone that is a fact, but life is not meant to be easy it is meant to be lived. I know I have more work to do and some people think there is a magical number of time in years put on that and I am glad that works for them. My journey is about what works for me and so far it is going good except I suck at showing emotions of hurt feelings or being pissed. God forbid I upset anyone right. Trained to hide the not so happy emotions since childhood and then I would just blow up, now I am learning to let it as it comes up and talk about it like all grown up and stuff, but it is hard. Growth isn't easy or comfortable that is for sure, but I know it is worth it! Thanks for all the ESH and pm's, I love that so many of you care and have taken the time to read all this. I am not feeling dramafied about it, just want to hear how anyone else has worked through this really going from not healthy relationships to a healthier one with open honest communication.

-- Edited by Breakingfree on Friday 16th of May 2014 04:23:24 PM

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

BF, coming from the male side of the fence here: it sounds to me like you have great awareness a willingness to improve on any weaknesses you perceive, and a patient partner. Easy does it and I predict You will do fine.

Kenny

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I think to myself, the very fact that you have allowed someone in is huge progress. This person sounds lovely and you deserve this happiness. Sometimes I can feel the happiness and go searching for the problems In it. Its more comfortable when its all messy. I so understand the perfectionist thing and wanted recovery now but it can stop you enjoying the very moment your in right now. You have got everything you need for this moment and each moment. Easy does it, opening up is gradual for most relationships, take your time. Slow burners last longer.x

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I love the ESH, Easy does it, is a good slogan for me right now, I will let time take time and know that it is about progress and not perfection.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs, sending love and support :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.