Helping out - Al-Anon Family Group

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Helping out

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I know this well. For me, working in the medical profession for many years taught me to give give give to all and it did give me a buzz...like taking a drink. What I learned, through my burnout and recovery, is that caring side of me gives to me first, as I cannot give from an empty cup, then give to others, with discernment. Some people are vampires and I no longer donate my life force to vampires. My sign that I am off balance is resentment...when I feel resentment, I check my motives, do my HALT and other miscellaneous stuff. I see this awareness as progress for you, the disease would be taking a swim in the pool of needy people to get your fix smile . The challenge is having great boundaries and giving with love.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I can't figure out if this new feeling is progress or disease - I know that it does not make me feel good and I rather miss that willing, helpful side of my character.

For myself, it can be either progress or disease or both. If it wreaks havoc with my serenity, it's a cause of dis - ease. For example, I may be assisting someone the way I have assisted them or others in the past but I've changed. I might be questioning whether I'm taking care of myself in this situation, whether I even want to be helping and if I have any reason to feel guilty for refusing to help. These are questions that working the Alanon program has taught me to ask myself. I want to be able to act with thought on my own behalf and and that of others instead of being in reaction mode rescuing people. An honest inventory of how I'm feeling and being true to myself rather than giving my power away to someone else's self created chaos can feel like growing pains you aren't accustomed to saying no to people. That's gotten easier for me with practice.

With that said, it can be fine for me to help somebody out if I have the time and willingness. I'm more more in favor of helping someone reason something out or suggest resources that I know of so they can help themself. A good example for me is someone I work with who is tech challenged. I AM TECH CHALLENGED TOO! biggrin I've tried to teach myself through online tutorials basically because I don't want to keep bothering people for answers. I have showed this woman a few things but now have sent her a helpful link that will resolve a lot of those tech challenges. I know she is overloaded with work and I am a quick fix for her problems but just because I've found more efficient ways to work and don't appear as pressured at my desk (free to help her), doesn't mean I need to fill that time with helping her. I can keep that time for myself without feeling guilty. Also, our personal friendship outside of work isn't continguent on rescuing her on the job. We're been able to be open and honest and joke about this and fortunately there's no resentment for either of us concerning it. Our friendship is important to us. This isn't true of everyone I come in contact with daily however so I need to keep calling on my program and working it situation by situation.

I also want to be mindful of how dependent I was when I found this program. I was dependent on others to validate me, I wanted them to do things for me I couldn't or felt to embarassed or afraid to do for myself. I had this expectation of my first sponsor. Along with hp, she was a gentle teacher through her own experiences and allowed me the dignity to choose and then self correct and grow from the life lessons.

Lastly, I can make the choice to help someone just because I'd enjoy it. I was a caretaker, now I care. TT

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I too have a hard time now doing for others what they can do for themselves. I have learned to hand people helpful information and let them do the work, because I do not want to cushion anyone from taking on their own responsibilities and it gets me resentful at this point still. This program comes with a lot of peaks and valleys for me and dealing with us humans. I no longer want to be a fixer or problem solver for others and for me it was a huge growing lesson on my recovery journey. Growing pains came with my al-anon journey as well. Keep up the good recovery work. Sending you love and support on your journey!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I've experienced some of the same, MW. Being a helper without wants and needs of my own was a character defect. My experiences in F2F meetings was golden in that all of us were responsible for sharing our experiences, strength and hope and all of us were charged with contributing to setting up the rooms, facilitating meetings, cleaning up the rooms, and paying for the use of the rooms. I noticed I was never worn out and never felt overburdened with other people's stuff or tasks. When some in our rooms chose to do nothing to set up or clean up, I did not choose to pick up the slack. I chose to put my own chair away, clean up my own area, and walk out of the rooms - refusing to give into the thought that the church members where we hosted our meetings would be upset because not everything got cleaned up and so I should step up to the plate and do what others didn't do. One pastor got so angry at both the AA and Al-Anon groups meeting twice a week in his church that he yelled at both groups. I felt absolutely no responsibility for what others did or didn't do. I knew I'd done my part and didn't have to do others' part. Needless to say, the chairs of each group made sure to let everyone know at the beginning of the meeting how important it was for each member to do their part in cleaning up the rooms and replacing the chairs where they found them. I knew I already did that and felt no guilt for what others did or didn't do.
That experience has carried over into my life beyond the rooms and has helped me do my part and let go of the outcome. I am not responsible for other adults and I won't do for them what they can do for themselves. That alone is helpful to others. And it is enough.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you lovely people - its really interesting and helpful to read how you've coped with this type of thinking.

I like the way that you take responsibility for yourself Grateful and let others decide for themselves.
Thank you for your empathy Breaking Free, I always find it rather reassuring when I think of myself and my peers as 'us humans'!
What a lovely relationship you have with your friend/colleague Tiredtonight (and a lovely flower picture as well!) - I like that distinction between caretaker and simple care.
Paula - learning to give with love again is a useful pointer for where I am at the moment, thank you.

The prologue is that I helped my colleague, I think that I did it with awareness of what I was feeling. I chose to help because (a) he is aged (b) because I could and © for a bit of peace for the next couple of days! After posting here I thought about what I needed to receive so that I felt that there had been something in it for me. I have been thinking that it would be nice to have a massage while I am here in Asia and so I asked him whether he would mind if I booked one and charged it to his room. My colleague is more than happy with this arrangement and so am I. Peace!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I would ask what is it that you do not feel grateful you could help, and also be thankful for being such a good person to help?

Myself I am humbled when I can help someone. I am very happy I am who I am.

Maybe that is what it is, do you like YOU, do you appreciate what a giving person you are? If we are not here to help each other, the world would be ever so much harder.

Give yourself a hug and be glad you are a giving person! As far as the travel agent, she or he could have said no. We can only control us!

thank you for helping him out, I am sure he appreciated it, but more you showed what a good person you are! love is always the answer honey!!

SunshineGirl · Senior Member

I used to get a buzz from 'helping' people! A high similar to taking a drink!

As I worked my recovery, I began to realise that I was actually enabling rather than helping. Or trying to control them. My motive for doing it was purely to make me feel good and boost my self esteem. This then began to sit very uncomfortably with me. These were not traits I wanted to have. So I put full focus on running my own life in a healthy way.

I also found once I understood my thinking behind my actions, the 'buzz' no longer happened.

I am far more aware of respecting peoples boundaries and don't try and muscle my way in to do things that they are capable of doing themselves. I can now see that in the past I railroaded people to accepting my 'help' when they really didn't want it! My so-called helping others was all about me.

Letting this go frees me and those around me to be ourselves. Which is a joy. I have learned to love 'minding my own business'. A concept that was completely alien to me until I heard it in Al-anon! I didn't know where I started and other people ended. I made everyone else's business mine! Insane.

-- Edited by SunshineGirl on Friday 16th of May 2014 01:48:17 PM

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate to this, I work with an older man who is past retirement age and I have and do pick up the slack. I have built up resentment towards him for this so I had to set myself some boundaries. No more rescuing him from his consequences. I help him if it feels natural but I done go out my way to help or remind him or ensure deadlines are met etc. Its better this way and I try to see his qualities rather than his flaws. He has lots of experience and its valuable and I learn a lot from him. I also realised that it was me who took on responsibility for him and he never really asked, he just let me. I also think that when we are overly helpful it is due to the damage with in us and its for us to set healthy, reasonable boundaries.x

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.