Is it all about control? - Al-Anon Family Group

sunshine23 · Veteran Member

Is it all about control?

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Absolutely, I will pray. Just remember that NO is a complete sentence. I did what you did for a long time: asking God to fix him and make him be a certain way. I now pray for God's will and ask that both AH and I are in His will for our lives, wherever that may be.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

In will pray, too. Not only is "no" w complete sentence, turning around and walking away Can make an nice period at the end.

Kenny

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Sunshine))))...What a journey...best done not alone and surrounded with the program led by a power greater than ourselves. The willingness to stay honest and humble carried me a long way when I was in this condition also. Patience and open mindedness made it run more smoothly. ((((hugs)))) smile

sunshine23 · Veteran Member

I said No (cheers for me!!!) but received mean reply from AH. Was very tempted to write to explain why no. I paused for a long time before asking myself once again if I can change his attitude. So I kept my period after my No and moved the email out of sight.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I love your post and hearing you grow in your recovery. I too got to the point I would not explain my answers and did not need to. Keep taking good care of you. Sending you love and support!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

No they do not get it.

I found if I am really serious, I do not accept calls or texts from someone I am distancing myself from. I doubt there is anyway communication is going to do any good for you. Just brings drama.

What makes you surprised at his communication? He is an A, not in recovery. Nothing an A says surprises me anymore.They are just that kind of bug.

I am glad you are out on your own feeling the peace. You will be ready to divorce when you are. Or when you feel you have to. Congratulations on having the courage to do for YOU.

In time things will get better and better till you are sooo happy and comfy with your new reality... as long as you don't invite or allow the A's bolony bring you drama!

hugs!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Good use of JADE.

sunshine23 · Veteran Member

As per normal, more texts came after the abusive email. I did not reply. After a week out of the situation, as AH is on business trip, I have time to reflect on why I feel compel to reply to abusive communication. I think it is because I am terrorized. I am worried about the explosion if I do not reply. Being in the war zone daily, I fail to realize that by responding, I am just putting bandage on the wound with blood oozing out. Adding fuel to the fire. It is a quick fix until he gets addicted to the fix. I get trained to behave in a certain way. I was at a wedding today and has to remind myself that marriage is not always like mine.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry that you feel terrorized. Would it be helpful to contact a Domestic Abuse counselor in your area? It is true that some things are more perilous than we can meet on our own. One of my defects was to believe "I could take it" whatever "it" might be. If I had to do it over again, I would have "called in the troops" if confronted by an abusive alcoholic who scared me. Troops for me would include first a call to Domestic Assault professionals for guidance and the courts if I needed to do that to protect myself and to make sure other people who were close to me could be available to help me when I needed it.

sunshine23 · Veteran Member

Monday will be my first f2f al-anon meeting in a long time. After that I will take daily steps to heal. My kids are happier and more relax in our tiny new home as compared to our bigger old home. At some point I will have to go counseling to work through the stress that was in my life for so long.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.