Feelings are feelings - please help me understand - Al-Anon Family Group

Sunrise · Member

Feelings are feelings - please help me understand

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I think it means that they are not the facts of the matter. Feelings can be a bit unreliable in determining reality. For example, I can get emotional in a crisis, panicky, and I tune in to how I feel and im upset, angry, scared etc but while I feel intense feelings like this I lose sight of the basic facts of the actual crisis which is usualky not as bad as I perceive it to be because I have judged it on my feelings. This is where the slogans and prayer come in for me, they help me calm down, I might release my feelings by speaking to my sponsor or another alanoner and then i can see the reality clearly. I can regain my serenity. I have not really been able to handle feelings before alanon. If I felt anger I brushed it aside and did not acknowledge it so it grew and poisoned me a bit. Now, I stop to think about the anger and I can usually do something with it. This is my take on your question.x

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Feelings are just that. They are not facts that have power to ruin our lives. You can feel sad about something but choose not to dwell in it or generalize the feeling towards other issues where it doesn't apply. For example, you can feel sad over a loved one's drinking, without being shattered and globally devastated. That's just my take.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Globally devastated, ive got to remember that one, that is me in the early hours of a crisis, or perceived crisis.x

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

To me that also means that you are allowed tonfwel feelings, especially once you understand all the above ESH. I went 50 years trying not to feel feelings, now I know that they are OK, but they shouldn't rule my life or set off "global devastation" (good one pink chip), but can certainly guide me in making decisions.

Kenny

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

To me, feelings are feelings simply means to let them be, not judge them, feel them and let them pass through me or trace them to the thought that produced them and change the thought. "I feel fury. Why? Because so and so called me such and so. And...? That means he doesn't respect me, love me, appreciate me. What proof of that do I have of that? Do I need his respect, love, appreciation? Yes! Why? Because if I don't have his appreciation, respect or love that means I have no value (or whatever else is true for me at the time.) He's called me a name and that means I have no value? That's not true. A name somebody else calls me has nothing to do with me. It has to do with them. Hmmmmmmmmmmm. Now I feel calm and actually, I feel a bit like chuckling." Long example and that is what I've discovered about feelings.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 14th of May 2014 08:37:52 PM

sunshine23 · Veteran Member

The day before yesterday, I missed my AH terribly after he wrote something coherent to me. However, there was nothing I could do. I just moved out with my kids and he is using the "D" word on me. Short of going back to beg him, I could not do anything other then pray. Yesterday, I was completely ok until he sent me one of those e-mails very early in the morning. The ups and downs are horrible but I remind myself these are just feelings that are real but will pass. I give myself time to grieve and be joyful. Someone on the board wrote about surrendering vs submissive. I am learning to surrender my feelings to God vs submitting it to Him and retake the driver seat once I get the chance.

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

ermm FEELINGS? it's my responce to my feelings which defines my outcome, for instance, FACEBOOK? example if I look to see what someone has written, it truly can ruin my day, the obsession that looking and seeing pluss my thinking, creates havock within me, simple solution don't do it ! But then we can't avoid everything in life that will hurt us, I would just say how many times really truly do our obsessive thoughts become reality? Feelings are useful because without them we would not know happy or sad, good or bad, feelings are personal to us like,when we greive for a love one who dies, the intensity in the beginning lessons with time, how we feel in response to the way we are treated is up to us to decide not anyone else!

love

katy

x

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Sunrise,

For me the phrase 'feelings are feelings' reminds me that that is all that they are and that they are not facts. There are my feelings, - i.e. I'm happy or sad, lonely or joyous etc. And then there are the 'I have a feeling that..' type thoughts. These are the ones that are dangerous to me. I like the way that Grateful has spelt out a way of questioning these thoughts and imagine that if I follow that process I could quite quickly figure out if the 'feeling' is really that bad, whether I can do anything about it or not or if I am simply harming myself with my own thought process.

Thank you for the question. For folks like myself, who have squashed their own feelings for so long, it is always a useful reminder.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Feelings for me can come on so strong and make me think I must take action now! But feelings are just feelings and they do pass is a gift I learned in al-anon, my feelings will usually change if I just sit it out and let myself think instead of react. I like to sleep on things that get me too feeling like I must do something and 9 out of 10 times upon rising and reading my 3 daily readers the feeling to react has passed. It is a beautiful thing to have calmed down and gotten out of my own way thinking the universe used to solely rely on me doing or saying just the right thing at just the right time. Now I can sit back and let my life flow except when I know something is in my power and does really require action from me. Great post, great ESH here! Sending you love and support on your journey!

SunshineGirl · Senior Member

For me it's about honouring my feelings, having numbed them out before.

So allowing myself to feel them, sit with them, not distract myself with behaviours. Let the feeling pass through my body and be released. Consider if any action. If so, take it. Maybe speak to my Sponsor.

I grew up being told by A parents that my feelings were wrong and didn't matter. I now know this is not true. When I see 'red flags', I know it is for a good reason.

I am learning to keep them in perspective too. Not over react. Hence taking time out to sit with them, not reacting in the heat of the moment.

'Considering the source' is something that helps me too.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

SunshineGirl brings up a good point also, growing up learning to stuff feelings I did have to learn through my sponsor to feel my feelings before I could let them go. My feelings can change like the wind, but I am now aware of them and if they require action from me. I am glad you are here and love the ESH.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.