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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> More venting
Post Info TOPIC: More venting
Mattie


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More venting
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Thank you all in advance for letting me vent more.

It's clear to me that I'm in over my head right now with everything.  This realization that my ex-AH isn't reliable for even the little things is just the stress on top of it all.  Our son is high-needs and as he gets older, it gets more challenging.  I think he has some of the tendencies of his dad in the way his brain works.  In addition to the basic challenges, these are triggering for me.  He reacts to things just the way my ex-AH does.  Or maybe it's that my ex-AH acts just the way a young adolescent does.  Anyway, the evasion, trying to get out of responsibilities, lying, etc.  I don't think he does these more than another kid his age, but it's triggering for me because I know where it could end up if he follows his dad's path.  Plus he has learning disabilities that make everything that much harder.  He's on the brink of failing his classes, he lies about his schoolwork, etc., and it's  a daily struggle.  And hovering over it all is my thought, "I need to bring him up right so he has the tools not to fall into addiction -- because he's vulernable."  But meanwhile I see myself losing my cool and having no idea how to handle things.

SO anyway I decided that I need to talk to a counselor who helps with parenting issues.  My workplace has a new insurance company.  So I look up their website, and to see anyone but a GP you have to be referred by your GP.  So I'm trying to find out if this applies to counselors, and I spend a long time on the phone trying to get a real person, and all I can get are recordings.  I scour the website.  I figure I'll call a counselor who's a "Preferred Provider" and call and ask them.  I can't find any counselors listed on the website at all.  It looks as if all they have are GPs and they don't list the "specialists" on the website so you won't try to go to one without a referral.  I try the phone again.  Still can't get anyone.  I call my GP's office.  They say they can't be in the position of interpreting what the insurance company wants.  This whole thing is just crazy.

So I say, "**** it, I'm going to make an appointment with a counselor and I'll pay the full price if I have to."  I only have four weeks till we leave town and I want to get some direction for how to start handling these things.  I trawl through lists of counselors looking for ones who deal with parenting issues.  Lots who deal with marriage, sex, depression, etc.  A few who deal with "child trauma."  After looking through about 60, I find one who deals with "general parenting issues."  So I leave her a message and she calls back.  "Have you cleared this with your insurance?" she says.  "I am not a Preferred Provider for your insurance company, though I am a Provider, so they would only pay 30-50%."  I say, "That's fine, I have waited so long, I am willing to pay full price, I just want to get started on seeing someone."  She says, "But you'll be paying more than you need to.  You should ask your insurance company who you should see."  I say, "I've been through all kinds of grief trying to deal with my insurance company.  I want to see someone now, no matter what I have to pay.  I want to get started."  She says, "You should call my billing office and get an estimate in case it's too much."  I say, "I don't care how much it is, do you have appointments available?"  She says, "You should really check with my billing office, I charge $100 an hour but how much your insurance would make you pay is hard to predict."  "I just want to get started.  Can we set up an appointment?"  "I don't want you to pay too much.  Here's the number of my billing office."  Actually this is a summary of the conversation -- imagine ten more exchanges like this in which she refuses to set up an appointment.

So I call the $&^%$ billing office and leave a message and here it is days later and no one has called me back.  And I feel like, "WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO SEE A COUNSELOR?"  Now I realize that the fact that this woman was not listening to me means that she wouldn't have been a good fit.  I'm preventing myself calling her back and telling her "YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE HELPING ME BUT YOU WERE NOT GIVING ME WHAT I NEEDED.  SO THERE."  Even though I have run this little scenario in my mind to great satisfaction.

I can't find any other counselor who's listed as handling "general parenting issues," so I guess I will return to an old counselor who didn't handle parenting much and who wasn't on my insurance but who can at least provide some support.  Right now it just feels as if everything's twice as hard as it needs to be.

So this sounds like everyday bureaucratic runaround but when you are depleted everything is too much.  So I have been bursting into tears at random times. So I thought I'd come here and vent.  Thanks again for listening.



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Raven Juniper


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((((Mattie)))) that would be funny if it were in a movie; it's just unbelievable that you told that counselor numerous times that you'd pay and still you got the runaround. Like you said however maybe it was a blessing in disguise since she certainly didn't seem very caring at all. ((((Hugs))))

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Kerrymom


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Hi Mattie, does your son's school have a guidance counselor or school psychologist or social worker? If so they usually are aware of counselors in the area and could maybe give you some names. How unbelievably frustrating for you, it shouldn't be so hard to get help! Hugs, Kerry

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KennyFenderjazz


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Mattie, do you have an EAP program through your work? My wife has called our EAP and got to see a counselor FREE - not eve copay - for 6 appointments that the EAP place arranged.

Kennn

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KennyFenderjazz


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And don't worry about venting. Insurance companies cause as much stress as As, and are often as irrational as them! Hope you make it go a counselor, praying for you.

Kenny

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el-cee


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Its tough to be the only parent that is responsible, I was so angry about that for a long time. With my youngest son ive tried to use my program in terms of remaining calm and sticking to boundaries and consequences. Keep it simple mattie and I hope you find the counsellor you need.x

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ilovedogs


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UGH! I completely understand this issue! I'm so sorry, Mattie. I understand all of your frustrations because even though I live with my AH, he does not help me with the schooling or the tennis schedule or my son's appointments, housework, yard work, blah blah blah.....You're only human and can only do so much. I hope you can find another counselor who is more suited for you. Mine just dropped my insurance and I'm paying out of pocket now because I don't want to start over with someone else, UGH!

Sending you lots of hugs and prayers! Like El Cee said, keep it simple!

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Breakingfree


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Sometimes when I am trying to get a quick fix for something that has me all fired up and nothing is working out, I remember to stop reacting and just sit on it until something flows and to not force the issue. Amazing after I sit on it and pray about it, that an answer that works out just pops into my head and I say thank you HP! No kidding every time it works itself out when I can step away from something triggering me into action. Keep it simple is a great slogan. This too shall pass is another favorite. Sending you love and support on your journey!

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pinkchip


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Mattie, a counselor would be better for you to deal with stress and just to stay centered. From what I can tell, you have parenting skills. Sounds like your son might need counseling. Yes, there are behavior management systems for your son that you could implement to help him stay on task and better adhere to structure, but I think that is about all that a counselor would offer you in this regard.

Since your child has learning disabilities, he is entitled to certain things in his IEP. I would contact the special education person at his school (here in Florida it would be the ESE specialist), review your son's IEP or ask for an IEP review meeting to discuss better ways to coordinate with the school to help your son pass. This could include daily sign off sheets that your son has to bring home to stay on top of his work and behavior and so you can monitor his progress better and also so that he would learn that when you lie, you get the consequence of having to prove you are doing things and you wind up having people breathe down your neck to make sure you are getting stuff done. That would be the lesson you want him to learn so he doesn't wind up like his dad.

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grateful2be


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Mattie: Lots of good e/s/h here. I'm going to send you a lot of cyberspace compassion and understanding and send a request to give you a break to the universe. One day at a time, Mattie. Who your son is today is all that you can deal with today. The future isn't ours. No matter how much we love our kids, we simply can't control a lot of who they can or will become. For all the counselors and professionals I went to see and took my children to see, my son ended up getting hit by a car when he was 16 with resulting brain damage that exacerbates the other issues that are his. Nobody could have predicted this and neither my son or I or his Dad could have prevented it. I'm not saying it isn't our responsibility to help our kids as much as possible when they are minors and yet, if I had to do it over again, I would have worried and stressed less and enjoyed myself and my son more.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 14th of May 2014 04:30:33 PM

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Mattie


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Thank you all.  Pinkchip/Mark, one of the problems is that my son doesn't have an IEP.  My frustrations with dealing with the school are indescribable and part of the stress of it.  One of the teachers told me confidentially, "Don't have us test him because we will say he's fine because we don't have any more money for accommdations." So I took him for super-expensive independent testing and the results came back contradictory. The school's position is just "He needs to work harder."   I can't tell you the meetings I've had with teachers and school psychologists and the whole shebang.  They stall and stall and each meeting takes 6+ months to make happen.  But despite my kid working as hard as he can, and doing the whole thing with checklists and regular reports and all that, he is failing most of his classes.  I always thought it was only the kids who wouldn't work who failed, but now my eyes are opened.  He is getting discouraged and I am beyond discouraged.  I really need some more expert direction about how to weather this, which is where I thought a counselor would be helpful.  And the fact that his dad is not on board is not helpful ("Why don't you just make him work harder!  Well, if he's failing, just do something about it!  I bet he's not really failing anyway!  You always exaggerate!  Oh, so that's his report card?  Well how do these teachers know what he knows anyway!  F's don't mean anything!" -- etc. etc.)

I've really reached the end of my own strategies and I need to consult a pro.  So frustrating that even this step requires so much persistence.



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PP


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Sending you some peace, Mattie.  Support for you and help for your son sounds like a great plan...take good care and easy does it.



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Paula
Debilyn


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Seems like you did say he was on an IEP? Pinkchip is so right on. BUT they are very careful about mentioning counseling becuz if they do, the district has to pay for it!

hey we get the run around just trying to call our phone companies or power or... uno hugs!



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ilovedogs


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Mattie, I got a lot of help from an outside educational neuropsychologist. Yes, there were expensive but they also were able to guide me and they worked with some of the school districts directly and would have been able to help with accommodations. I'm not surprised you are running into walls with the schools, it's one of the reasons I choose to homeschool but I know that's not an option for you at this time. The neuropsychologist should be able to provide a diagnosis and then you can provide that to the school for an IEP.

Also, the neuropsych's office offers counseling, peer group meetings where they can work on social skills, and also executive function coaching. Granted all of this is out of pocket but I chose to use them for certain things, not ALL of the things we need to work on. Have you read the book, "Smart but Scattered"? That was really helpful for me to understand my child better. Not saying you don't understand your son, by the way, just saying that resource to help you understand the breakdown of how he processes information might be helpful.

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Mattie


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Ilovedogs, that is so helpful, thank you!  I had never heard of that book -- I'm going to get it right away.

I have been trying to find a neuropsych that my insurance covers -- you can bet that's been about as simple as finding a counselor that my insurance covers.  smile  Some days I go at it with fiery determination, some days I just sit and tear my hair out and vent at MIP...

I know a couple with a handicapped son and they have pulled together through the situation for years.  Sometimes I look at them and think what it must be like to have a reliable co-parent.  I know that thinking can lead to self-pity, but I also have to remember it so that I don't get sucked into settling for someone unreliable ever again.

Thank you all again.



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grateful2be


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I have learned that sometimes what I want and the doors I'm beating on aren't right for me or for my loved one. That's why the doors won't open. When I let go completely and surrender to what is and wait in the darkness of not knowing without struggle, something happens in me and I know the next right step to take.  I've also learned that the person I'm most concerned about is the expert on their own lives - what they want, don't want, need and don't need.  If I ask them those types of questions - what do you want?  what do you need?  what do you think might help - they can reveal their own innate wisdom if they listen to themselves and feel safe enough to answer it.  My parents spent a lot of years trying to help me be the person they thought I should be bless their hearts.  What they didn't do was ask me what I wanted, what I loved doing and put down those things as well.  I ended up doing exactly what I was meant to do in many ways but not with their support.  My Dad, who always surrendered to my Mom's ideas of who I was and what I should do and supported her thoughts, truly did know who I was and what I wanted but it wasn't until I was in my late 50s or early 60s that he surprised me one day with sharing aloud what he knew about my teen years and my dreams.  I can't help but wonder what my life might have been like as a young person if my Dad had been able to support me and the person I was as a teen by listening to me and supporting my dreams for me rather than my Mom's dreams for me. 

To add a little to this share:  a psychologist who would meet with me and my son at my home (he was a neighbor and a wonderful doctor) said to me one day:  "You are a very good and healthy mother.  Why can't you give yourself any credit for who you are to and for your children?"  I couldn't answer that question for some reason.  Today, I think I can.  I had been beaten down so much by my own interior criticism, I simply couldn't see my assets or my strengths.  I hope you do see yours, Mattie.  Your son is blessed to have you as his mother.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 15th of May 2014 07:29:28 AM



-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 15th of May 2014 08:16:00 AM

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