Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Managing the Chaos
Post Info TOPIC: Managing the Chaos
Mattie


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3613
Date:
Managing the Chaos
Permalink  

I went on a very short business trip and my ex-AH took care of our son while I was gone.  Now my ex-AH is a binge drinker who goes for long spells without drinking, so I had a reasonable expectation that there'd be no bingeing while I was gone.  I saw no sign that there was, so I think my expectations were reasonable there.  But I hadn't banked on the chaos that goes with him everywhere.

He has to help our son finish a science project for a science fair and he plagiarized the project.  Copied word-for-word straight off the internet.  First off, he wasn't supposed to write it for our son - I have been trying to teach our son how to work, break things into steps, etc.  Not just have your dad do the writing for you, and not even his own writing, but copied off the internet using terms that clearly neither of you know how to use!  I was on the phone trying to make sure the science project got done and my AH was saying things like "I've got this covered!  Why can't you ever trust me!" etc.  Well, now I know.

The house looked like a cyclone had been through it.  I am astonished that anyone could make a house look that bad in such a short time.  He had dropped some raw eggs on the kitchen floor and just left them there, broken.  He had burnt both my best pans to a blackened crisp so that I'll have to throw them away.  He broke the rice cooker.  He used the best china (why?!  it's even put away in a separate place) and broke a cup.  The condition of the rest of the house is simply indescribable.

He drained the car battery and got a flat tire on my car.  Did he fix them?  Need you ask?

Those are only a few of the things.  I don't think these are the results of being drunk.  Sadly, he is a chaotic and somewhat neurologically atypical person, and I've often thought that the drinking is a way to cope with his deficits as much as the cause of them.  He is totally capable of this much chaos without a drink in sight.

But clearly this short experiment did not work.  It has taken me hours to clean up.  He was supposed to watch my house (not our son) and dogs during a three-week trip I have planned, and it's just not going to work.  Now things are going to be more expensive and inconvenient for me.  I am just kicking myself up one side and down the other for ever getting involved with him.  (He was less chaotic in the early days, but the signs were there.  Did I pay attention?  Ha!)  And I am so dismayed and appalled at all the trouble I have to go to to get everything cleaned up and back to normal.  I wish I knew the secret of getting a support system where everyone is reliable.  I'm feeling very overburdened right now.  Thanks for listening.



__________________
Melly1248


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 651
Date:
Permalink  

I don't have to try very hard to imagine the mess; it happens every time I go away
Sorry it ended up so badly. I hope you find some more reliable support. I had some- my family are reliable-and I moved hours away from them to live with A....Gaaaaaah!!! lol.
Big hugs to you.


__________________
PP


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3964
Date:
Permalink  

I am shaking my head at the craziness you just described.  I am holding you in good thought and wish you some peace. (((Mattie)))



__________________

Paula
pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:
Permalink  

OMG. I always scoff at alcoholics (even those in recovery) who say they are working on their "inner child" because it's typically the outer child that needs more work. Perfect example lol.  Literally sounds like what would happen if an 8 year old was left in charge.



-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 13th of May 2014 07:00:40 AM

__________________
SerenityRUS


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3496
Date:
Permalink  

Oh big hugs Mattie,

I sooo understand .. sending lots of prayers and support your direction, hopefully this will workout better than you thought even though right now it's a big pain in the butt at the moment. I don't understand the need to cause such drama. It is frustrating is putting it mildly. I also find with mine that it is everything to do with what is mine and some kind of weird anger attached there .. almost passive/aggressive behavior .. when moving I can't tell you the things that got broken and there were things I purposefully moved so that he wouldn't be able to touch them when he helped and it worked out so much better that way.

Yes .. finding reliable support is a must and it is hard and frustrating to do.

Hugs S :)

__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:
Permalink  

Oh, Mattie! If I were there, I'd offer to come and help you clean up the mess. Maybe you have some friends who with you and your son can clean it up together? You may throw rocks my way and fortunately there is no way they can hit me through cyberspace, but can you ask him to come and clean up the mess with you, too? He cleaned out his car when you set up that boundary. Maybe you can hold him accountable and ask him to return to clean it up with you supervising?

The one good thing I see in this is that you were gone for a short time and learned he can't be trusted for 3 weeks to stay in the house. Your animals and your house will be safe while you're gone! Maybe if this hadn't happened, you would have come home to no home and no animals?

I've gone through some of that with my son. Left on a mission trip for a week and came home to a flood in my basement, soaking wet carpeting that had to be removed from an entire bedroom and laundry room, strange holes in my home's siding, and deep burn marks in a brand new mattress I had purchased for his use in my spare bedroom.

I can relate to the chaos. Even in trying to set up meeting to eat and catch up on our lives on a weekly basis, things start out simple and within a few short weeks turn into me chasing my tail because he is impulsive and can't stay on task for very long. I can't change him and I can't change the reality that in order for me to be sane and centered, I simply have to honor my wants and needs and let go of expecting anything simple in relationship to my son until or when he chooses recovery for himself. Hurts my heart and it is what it is.

Lots of support, Mattie. You did the best you could with what you had to work with at the time and to my way of thinking you were spared much worse by this short test period.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 13th of May 2014 06:17:33 PM

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
el-cee


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5075
Date:
Permalink  

Wow, you just described the chaos my eldest son creates and that's with me in the house. It drives me up the wall!! He does everything so quickly that the mess is unbelievable. I banned him from cooking in my kitchen. So I totally understand. The cleaning up part is just infuriating too. It is sad to think of it as something going on or not going on inside, in my sons case I thought it was more about punishing me in a way, you know getting my attention one way or another, especially since I have detached with love from him more and more. Just thank your lucky stars he does not live with you anymore.x

__________________
Breakingfree


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3972
Date:
Permalink  

((((((((((Mattie))))))))) Wow, I am sending you lots of hugs, love and support!

__________________

Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

"managing the chaos" is an oxymoron!!!!!

 



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Managing the Chaos