The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Some days I really feel like I'm making progress in this program. Then there is today. My stress and emotions got way too high. My al-anon knowledge didn't provide enough to bring me anywhere close to serenity. I bawled my way through my face-to-face meeting tonight. And then, after sharing at the meeting about the things that were upsetting me, came home to find AH sober. And that makes my mind turn on itself - makes me feel stupid for crying for 1/2 an hour in f2f meeting. Makes me feel like I'm making too much out of the weekend events. I've had this problem before with a different issue. When things are bad, they are really bad and I feel like I'm going to blow at any moment if I don't get help. And then suddenly things get a tiny bit better, and I'm telling myself that this is no big deal - I can handle this. And then back to desperation for help. And then back to thinking I can handle everything. Around and around I go, not trusting my own feelings.
In tonight's f2f meeting, it was clear that my expectations are at the root of so much of my pain the past few days. I expect AH to follow through with what he says - but time after time he doesn't. I keep hoping - but I think it is the wrong kind of hope. Instead of hoping for change in myself which will make things better and hoping for God to carry me through, I keep hoping that AH is going to do what he said he'd do this time, and he doesn't. I keep hoping that the real husband will overrule the alcohol, but he can't. I keep expecting him to be a father to our child. Expecting him to be sober when he gets behind the wheel. Expecting him to tell me where he's going or when he might return when he leaves the house. Expecting him to at least say Happy Mother's Day even if he didn't want to do anything else. But every expectation leads to hurt. So now what? Do I live my life as if he's just a stranger in my house? Make all my plans without him? I don't think that's how my God wants me to treat the person I married. And while I'm having all these thoughts about making my own plans as if he's not even here, he's determined to "work on our relationship" because we "aren't close enough." But to him, that means me falling in line with his sexual preferences and lying on the couch with him for hours accomplishing nothing so we can feel "close". It has nothing to do with relating to me without an alcohol fog surrounding us.
Love the person, hate the disease - I'm really struggling to love the person right now. I can't seem to find the person behind the disease!
Does anyone else have an AH who is jealous of your kids? AH keeps pushing me away with his behaviors and upsetting our son, and then becomes jealous and resentful that our son and I do things together and talk about things that AH hasn't been a part of. I'm very aware of the jealousy, and I'm really trying to include AH in any activities with our son and in conversations. He doesn't want any part of it, but then still resents us and says we're always "ganging up on him". Ugh. So frustrating.
I tried to explain alcoholism to our son this weekend (he's 7), because we heard a thud, and our son was the first to find dad passed out on the bathroom floor. So frustrating. This isn't how life is supposed to be. (And there I go with expectations again.)
Up and down, up and down. I read al-anon literature, go to f2f meetings, read all your wisdom on this site, and someday I'll get closer to peace and not be so easily thrown off track. Because there is hope in al-anon, even if the alcoholic keeps drinking. I just lost track of it for a little while. And even if a person finds a place of serenity, can the hurt be shut off? It seems like we might always hurt a bit for the person who is stuck in this disease.
I am rambling so much tonight. I"m sorry. It's just been so stressful the past few days. I honestly don't ever remember feeling more stressed than I did last night and today. And that frustrates me even more because I feel like I should have acquired enough tools to at least keep the stress below record-breaking proportions.
Hi Sunrise,
You a re acquiring tools by being able to open up at meetings. You are acquiring connections with like-mind ed individuals that will serve you well. If you got a phone list feel free to use it.
Remember, easy does it. We need awareness, then acceptance, then action. you are still working on the awareness, making very good progress. Keep it up, I think you are doing well. Keep it up!
I dont think your god wants you to feel unhappy, in most of the literatire I have read recently it points out that I deserve to be happy, I am entitled to a peaceful, fulfilled life just like anyone else. I have learned that its against myself and my higher power when I dont take care of me and my needs. It sounds like he is manipulating you, making you all about him. He will continue if you continue, well thats my experience. Your awareness is telling you the truth, the frustrztion for me was what do I do with the awareness, I began accepting the limitations of a person with this disease. He cannot meet your needs, make you happy, secure, feel appreciated, loved. Hes not got it to give. Its sad but it has been my reality. The next part took me a while and was the hardest part for me, action, it comes in the form of boundaries, teaching them how you want to be treated and what you wont put up with, if the boundaries are broken, consequences are in place and followed through every time. It can be simple boundaries to begin with. This made my self esteem shoot through the roof. I began trusting myself for the first time ever. I am all I need to look after myself and part of looking after me is not accepting unaccrptable behaviour. You are getting there, it takes time and it takes the back and forth thing too, its part of the learning process. Keep on keeping on.x
I think expectations are good when they help us see that what's reasonable (what we expect) and what an active drinker is doing are not the same things. It is entirely reasonable to expect that our spouse should not pass out on the bathroom floor. If we ever get to a point that we don't blink an eye to that, the insanity has got us as well. I remember one friend I had who (as an adult!) was surprised to hear that other people's dads never, ever passed out at the dinner table. "You're kidding!" she said. "That was unusual?" She had been sucked into the insanity.
So I think reasonable expectations help us keep perspective. That said, we also have to have reasonable expectations of alcoholism -- which is that it will subject us to unreasonable situations.
Hi, Sunrise: Lots of good feedback here for you I see. I'd like to add that to me loving the person includes seeing the entire person and deciding what we can live with and what we can't live with based on our own needs and wants and making the changes we can make that benefit us and makes life worth living again if it doesn't feel worth the effort to keep trying.
I call that the al-anon shuffle steps forward, some backward, I do it all the time. It really takes time and not a one of us is perfect on our recovery journey. We are all a work in progress and you are getting better everyday, it is all a learning process. Beating yourself up because you are not all better after a lifetime of getting to this point will not help either. Love yourself, pick yourself off and give yourself a nice wipe off and get back in there, dig back into you, your self care, self love and realize what you need today to feel better. I like to read lots of al-anon and meet with al-anon friends that love me when I am not feeling up to it. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
