The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday AH was HAPPY! It was really out of the ordinary and I started to wonder why, it was just mid-morning. Decided to just let it be and continue on. fast forward couple hours, falling "asleep" at lunch claiming it was the baby that kept him up and was tired, awhile later I went into garage to clean out my car and just be outside since it was first sunny day in a week. AH acted strange and few minutes later saw him trying to hide a glass. It all made sense suddenly, the good mood, "sleeping", and rather than getting upset (like I usually do) I just felt sad. How incredibly sad that to feel happy you need a drink, even though he is trying to control he can't resist he is powerless but in denial. Also was sad for the kids and I, because nothing changes if nothing changes. I am tired of who I've become, I need to get better and not sure that will be able to happen with AH in denial of the problem.
There is hope - even if the A keeps drinking. I'm working on that myself, and al-anon is helping. (I keep wishing for an instantaneous fix, which al-anon isn't, but it I am feeling more peace and finding some solutions to some problems.)
I love the metaphor of Sunrise with her share cause when the sun rises the darkness disappears and awareness comes and I got that from her share. Mahalo for the reminder. Some had said last week to me that what changes fear into courage is hope (I believe that is close) and I got to meditate on it because it is just a bit of an add to my own understanding and I got more understanding and with it gratitude. Alcoholism is a true disease; a compulsion of the mind (that's always there) and an allergy of the body (and the family and the marriage etc etc) which always gets toxic; poisoned regardless of the amount. It is not a moral issue and I learned to see my alcoholic/addict with as a very very sick person suffering with a life threatening disease which often was fatal and could never be cure only arrested by total abstinence. My perception of her went from judgment and anger and spite to compassion and empathy. I then saw here as very sick and not as a bitch. The AHA moments I came to understand were like whispers of knowledge my HP put in my ear.
There is no such thing as a "functional" alcoholic. If there outside appears straight up their insides are dying. I needed to recovery "in spite" of what was going on or not going on with my addicted spouse. I could not blame her for my condition in the disease or pat her on the back for my recovery. I had to recover "in spite" of the condition of my alcoholic/addict family and the generations that were under the influence and often still are. AHA moments all. I pray for many more for you and for us. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 11th of May 2014 11:21:32 PM
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 11th of May 2014 11:22:08 PM
Hi Kerrymom~I had such a wonderful Mother's Day but my A sat like a lump, depressed, barely talked, and I had to wonder if this was my punishment for the A being dry, however still very ill. So I totally get how sad it is to need artificial, addictive substances, to enjoy any moment in time. I felt grateful to be with my son, granddaughter, and a variety of other family members. My AHA moment was today, for the 50th time, step 1, I am powerless over the alcoholic. However I am learning to enjoy my life and I like myself so very much more, most of the time. It works if you work it! Lyne
Although schizophrenia is a totally different disease from alcoholism, I once attended a workshop led by a man with schizophrenia who was also a therapist. He said that one of the best things his wife did for him when he was sick was to go on with her life, invite him to attend whatever she was planning, and left him free to go or not go. Most times, he elected not to go, so she'd kiss him and go on with her life. He told us he felt so loved by her in that because she accepted him as he was and let him do what he needed or wanted to do for himself. Your shares brought this memory to mind, so I thought I'd share it. Maybe it will be a benefit to you? Maybe not?
I was watching one of those VH-l documentaries about Black Sabbath last night. Their drummer said that, when they had a reunion concert after he had gotten straightened up, he had to learn how to play drums sober. That blew me away , but after My experiences I now can believe it.
