The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I sat down and made a list: a list stating why I have separated myself from my AH. I was starting to feel guilty because he's been above and beyond normal these past 2 days (birthday and mother's day) and I was feeling guilty because all I see is manipulation and future pain when I look at him. I resent his niceness, I resent his quietness, I resent his drinking.....dang, I gotta work on those resentments. UGH!
My list was pretty darn clear that our dysfunction was off the charts, it made me realize that I doubt we can ever repair the foundation of our marriage even if he were sober. I wonder if the water under the bridge is now taking down the bridge as I type this. I am tired of watching the up and down from him, getting briefly excited that he's reading his Bible and being more communicative, finding a bit more peace around the home when he's amiable, and then WHAM he's back to where he was before. Feeling sorry for himself, playing the martyr and victim, and snapping sarcastic, hurtful comments wherever he goes.
So, here's my list:
Lies and broken promises: lying to me and to the law
Passive aggressive
Critical
Hurtful sarcasm; mean comments that are meant to hurt or get a rise
Entitled/Entitlement mentality
Manipulative
Selfish
Alcohol Abuse/admitted alcoholic
Snubs authority
Narcissistic traits
Depression and anxiety carried around which affects others around him and influences the atmosphere of the home
Silent treatment
Condescending
Criticisms if things aren't done in a way he understands(black and white thinking)
Blaming others and/or situations for own behavior
Telling me how I feel or how I think and putting me on defense ALL THE TIME
Generalizing: ALL women feel this way or that. ALL white men feel this or that and/or do this or that
The world is coming to end and let me tell you how and when it's going to happen
If it's not done his way, he'll tell you how to do it his way and why your way is wrong(shoulds, if it were me, etc statements)
Which leads me to 'control' issues
Negative, depressing, and generally sour conversations which bring me down
Which leads me to: no joy in him, no love of life
Lazy
TV shows he watches are angry and depressing and bring me down; even to the point of tears. I can't handle some of it. I hate listening to gunfire or people screaming...sends chills down my spine, saddens me.
Constant up and down: one minute seeming to be on a spiritual path and looking like he's headed the right way and then if I don't come around fast enough, he seems to slip back into old habits. Of course, this may not be about me: it might just be his own pattern(possibly bipolar? I don't know)
Immature: taking off his wedding ring when his marriage isn't going the way he wants it to.
Sexual aggressiveness: no apology, the "I know you don't like me doing this but I realized I can go ahead and do it anyway" thinking and behavior. Treating me like I'm a possession or an extension of himself.
In effect, now, I need to make up my own list of character defects. Hmmm, I already did that but I think it's time to do a step 4 again so that I can make my own list and get rid of those resentments. Unfortunately, there's a lot on that list and I know that no one is perfect but each one of those things makes life difficult to exist under the same roof with. If he were just negative or mildly critical or just lazy, I think we'd get along just fine. It's like a big lump of coal sitting in my house and I don't know how to walk around it, get under it, whether to ignore it, or tackle it head on, etc. I'm tired. I'm tired of playing nice and grasping at his one or two nice comments or cards and clinging to it, thinking, "Oh, look, he's changing." So what, what does that mean to me? At this point, not much. Sigh...I'm soooo ready for this week to be over. Our 19th wedding anniversary is Tuesday, I'm grateful that he will be traveling.
(((((ILD))))) that list sounds so familiar...when I walked in the door after my lunch/shopping I was immediately aware of why I didn't want to go home. The A was sitting there playing his game, and said "Awesome. I was starving.There was nothing to eat." Then he went back to his game. When I read your list, I went check...check...check all down the screen.
Kinda makes me want to find all copies of "The Giving Tree" and burn them or re-write it: "Sorry, boy, I'm keeping all of the apples if you don't get to the store and get me the right kind of fertilizer, water me consistently and spray for bugs, ole buddy."
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 11th of May 2014 06:49:57 PM
Basically, it is a book about an Apple Tree that is always giving to a boy who grows old and comes back to her when she has lost all her apples and leaves and ends up being cut down to a stump. She apologizes to him because she has nothing more to give him until she realizes he can sit down on her stump. The emphasis is on the tree's giving and the boy's constant taking is viewed as (to me) his due. Raven's post made me think of that. She's gone all day, comes home and hubby is glad to see her because he's "starving and there's nothing to eat."
It is a children's book written by Shel Silverstein and was very popular for years and read in schools to elementary children because it was a prize winner and seemed to emphasize being generous - on the part of the female "Giving Tree."
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 11th of May 2014 08:16:04 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 11th of May 2014 08:17:42 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 11th of May 2014 08:20:24 PM
It's a wonderful book .. it's interesting because I had never thought of it from the woman's position. I always just thought of it as a life lesson of giving and taking and how much we tend to think of ourselves vs whomever is doing the giving. As far as I know it's still a very popular book .. my kids have read it. :)
ILD .. the dry drunk syndrome I think is like that the drinking and then not drinking for however long. I notice this similar behavior in my stbax. He swears he's not drinking and I think that scares me more than anything else .. I don't want to deal with the interim part of the deal. Just come back when the dry drunk is done and then the good stuff is there .. I'm grateful I don't want him back! I think often of what Pink had said in the beginning about how long it would take for him to even come to some kind of recovery behavior. That really scared me a great deal.
Hugs sis .. it keeps getting better, S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I like your reminder that it might be time to another 4th step. I used to spend a lot of time taking my husbands inventory and I felt justified in doing so. I sometimes feel remorse about my inventory taking behaviors, but I use it as a reminder now to not go there when I am tempted. I still fail miserably, at times, but I get myself in a more peaceful state, quicker.
-- Edited by PP on Monday 12th of May 2014 12:16:12 PM
This is an important post for me because of the reminders of lessons I learn in the program. I've gone thru "her" list and talked to my sponsorship about it and what I came away with was at the end of every fault I had written about "her" I would write forgiven and turned it over. What I had forgiven was the behavioral trait itself in everyone because it was a sign I was judging rather than working toward my own self consequences. I also added "given to HP or God" simply because it was God business and not mine. I have never been taught or invited to judge. I don't do it well and when I complain I walk on egg shells about what it is that I am doing and why. Making a list...thanks I think I will do this 10th step again today. (((((hugs)))))
You know, Jerry, it's not that it's just 'his list'. It's that these are the realities of behavior that I live with or have lived with. I need to acknowledge that they exist so that I can take care of myself and so that I know exactly what reality looks like to me. For me, it's not about taking inventory as it is about just finding awareness and acceptance of 'what is' and 'who he is', as well as learning who I am. That's where my 4th step comes in. The more work I do on myself, the more I learn about who I am and why I've made the choices I've made, etc. Doing a 10th step sounds like a good idea,too!! LOL
I think I could write a list like this about everyone in my life, in fact I write letters that tell the person all the things that I am annoyed, angry, resentful about and I instantly feel better so I can see where you are coming from. I end my letters with the other side of the person, so its 2 lists really, the other side is all the good things that the person has within them, the parts I love or like. Then I grant the defects forgiveness, this may sound arrogant but when I forgive others their faults I can move on with new eyes and see the good again for a while anyway. Its such a weight off my mind when I do this. I cant change another person, its all about me, its me that can do the changing. When im looking out at others and finding faukts ive taken my eyes off the ball. Ive heard it said that when I point 1 finger there are 3 more pointing back. I like that because it helps me see that the issues are really with me. When I feel this way about the alcoholics in my life its usually because I have not defended a boundary. You mention sexual aggression because he can. That is for you to speak up and set that boundary, the action parts usually belong to us, not them. The power for change is in your own hands ild, when your ready.x
ILD, if this is the realities of behavior you have lived with, perhaps back of those awarenesses needs an acceptance and action along with it? You've done some painstaking work to break it down into a granular form, that might make each point easier to bring to acceptance and action.
