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This is my first post and i apologise in advance for any major mistakes...
We had a baby girl last year. I was really looking forward to my role as a mother being acknowledged in even some tiny way (a home made card, a cooked meal, some flowers picked from the garden etc.) - nothing expensive, extravagant or too commercial. We are not struggling financially, money is not a concern, but it would have been nice for my husband to even say 'I think you're doing a good job'.
He is a very high functioning alcoholic. He does not drink every day (he tries not to drink on Mondays and Tuesdays) but he will drink at least one bottle of wine on the other nights and on Fridays - Sundays he will drink at least two bottles of red. No one seems to think this is a problem except for me. His friends drink like this (cannot remember the last time we saw them without alcohol playing a central role). As everyone will realise, we don't see much of my friends any more...
My devastation today has come from taking the bins out. He has passed out in bed and it's just gone 8PM. After a bottle of champagne and two bottles of red (oh yeah, that's how he celebrates mothers day) i've had to take our bins out for collection tomorrow morning. It would be so nice if on mothers day I didn't have to do that. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, but my heart is breaking.
Our little girl is nearly a year old, but am I going to ruin her life if I leave? Is it better for me to stay and be financially secure?
I should probably take this moment to mention that my husband works in advertising. And he makes beer ads...
There are no mistakes, I think you have come to the right place. I can understand how you feel, I felt this way for years, 3 babies later. I was full of self pity, resentment, anger. So many negative emotions eating away at me every day. The good news is, what you are feeling and thinking is curable, it can be halted and it doesnt depend on your husband getting sober. I came to believe that alcoholism is a disease and that those living with it get sick too. I was sick and my symptoms were chronic negative thinking, obsession, controlling behaviour, depression. Over the years I reached a good few points when I knew things needed to change but I never got alanon until 2 years ago. Since then, I have been learning to think differently, I can see clearly now and im enjoying my life for the first time ever really even though alcoholism or the isms are still in my life. If you look up the alanon website there is a search button that shows you the nearest meetings In your area. You will get a warm welcome from people who have lived and are living the same as you. You will get some leaflets that helped me from the very start. Good luck and come back and , et us know how you are getting on.x
Thank you so much for your reply! That's exactly how I feel... I am constantly checking the empty wine bottles, trying to calendar events etc. (really controlling). I cannot relax. I cannot enjoy my life. I feel like a shell of the person I used to be.
I'm so worried about how this is going to impact my ability to be a good mother. I don't want to destroy my child's life.
Alanon is full of people who will know exactly where you are coming from. My youngest was 14 by the time I got into alanon and all my children have benefitted from my recovery. I am calmer, kinder, much more mentally healthy and it has rubbed off on them, my youngest son acts like he has been to alanon too.lol. really healthy at times. My eldest son amd my daughter were badly affected, my daughter struggles with many of the same issues I did, she attends alanon occasionally and has awareness of her own damage. My eldest son has a problem with alcohol, he has been in the criminal justice system during his teens and he is in denial about his own issues. It impacted on my ability to be a good mother. I couldnt concentrate on my children the way I should have, I was very immature and blamed him for everything that went wrong so my kids were damaged and I was not the best mother that I would have liked to have been.
I know its hard to believe but going to my first alanon meeting gave me hope, I kept going back and it has changed my life and the destructive path we were all on has been diverted. There is hope now. Its never going to be perfect and I worry about my eldest son a lot but I am the best mother I can be for him today so I can look myself in the eyes and hold my head up further.
Hi Angrywife and welcome to MIP. I understand your fears and relate to your questions. You're in the right place and I'm glad you found us- a warm, supportive community that understands the challenges of having a loved one affected by alcohol. Alanon offers a 12 step program that provides different perspectives, better coping skills, finding serenity, etc with or without the alcoholic.
Alcoholism is a progressive and deadly disease that can only be arrested by abstinence- and- left untreated results in either insanity or death. It affects everyone within contact. When I first came to Alanon, I was advised to give the program at least 6 months before making any major decisions- to take time to read and learn all that I could about the disease. I have found that the most efficient way to work this program is to attend meetings work the 12 steps with a sponsor. MIP has been and continues to be a lifeline- online meetings, the forums that also has the ability for searches by topic.
Practicing the 12 steps is how I have come to find what makes sense for me regarding decisions and choices- and has helped me find a calm and clear place to make decisions (as opposed to making decisions from a place of anger). Some people can find their peace in serenity in staying with their loved one, while others find their peace and serenity with a different path. The answers to your question will come- this program works! Keep coming back!
Please just keep coming back. I myself find these message boards and online meetings a way to vent without becoming angry and having outburst which now I understand are not healthy. I would also suggest face to face where you can meet others who can relate. That really has been the most beneficial to me because I felt so alone and isolated. Alcoholism does that, tears you away from people in order to hide it. My situation was just like yours in the way that my A was very high functioning. Years and years he was "life of the party" and friends did not see a problem. He worked everyday, took care of responsibilities. He would come home in the evenings and have a drink but could seem to turn it for some evenings. Fast forward to now, he drinks until passed out and I don't know what days he will go to work. Friends just kinda of started disappearing. We stopped getting invites to hangout. When he drinks he is an absolute annoying person now, not the fun loving guy everyone wanted to be around. My point is you are not alone and you must remember that alcoholism is a progressive disease. It does not stay the same and does not get better without treatment. I had to learn that and accept my A for that. I have made the choice to stay for now, but with boundaries. I just live exactly one day at a time. Today I am here and I will make the most of it for me and my children. Sounds crazy until you learn to let go of the control of alcohol. Happy Mother's Day to you. Enjoy your precious little one.
Happy Mother's Day! Nothing he does or doesn't do on this day can take away from the reality that you trusted life enough to give birth to your precious child. You became a Queen on the day they put that tiny person into your arms where you might have held her close and counted her fingers and her toes? Celebrate yourself today and relish your role as the woman who chose to bring into the world a unique gift that was nurtured and fed and connected to and by you and still is today - just differently. It has been said that the nearest to death a woman can come is by giving birth to a child. You willingly took that risk. Hold your head high, adjust that queenly crown of Mother, and do something special just for you today.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 11th of May 2014 09:31:51 AM
What he does or doesn't do isn't about you. I'm so sorry you are struggling. I, too, wound up doing 90% of the work around here even when my AH was sober for 15 years. He was just lazy and depressed and I got resentful. Al Anon can help you release yourself from those bondages and find peace whether he's sober or not. I hope you did something nice for yourself today, or maybe tomorrow if you can. Sending you lots of hugs and love!
Welcome and glad you have found us! I hope you have a face-to-face meeting? There are also online meetings here. No one should have to go through this without support.
Of course there are lots of considerations as to what kinds of decisions are best. And we don't offer advice unless there is physical danger. But I just wanted to mention one thing you said -- about whether you'd ruin your little girl's life if you left. I think having an "intact family" is generally highly overrated when one of the family is an unrecovered alcoholic. The whole situation becomes full of chaos, secrets, deception, and things left unspoken because that is the life of the alcoholic. And kids who grow up with an alcoholic parent can be vulnerable to finding alcoholism "familiar" (and thus not steering clear of alcoholics when they grow up), or to being attracted to alcoholics to try to "fix" them. Of course no one can predict the future. But just to say that just because the parents are together doesn't always mean the marriage is "intact." You know the specifics better than anyone, of course. I know it can seem daunting to be with a small child on your own -- my own child was two when I split up from my AH (because he was endangering our child through negligence and basically I had two infants to take care of, only one of them weighed 200 lbs!)
I hope you'll read all through these threads, find a meeting, and keep coming back.
I am glad you found us here at MIP and keep coming back and you made no mistake in coming here and posting. I hope you can get to face to face al-anon meetings near you and read al-anon literature. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Happy Mother's Day to you. Enjoy your precious little one.