The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He will want some syrup to go with it. If you give him some syrup, he will want a napkin to wipe his mouth. And so on and so on. This is a great children's book that describes what I have experienced this last week. But my story involves accepting a dinner invitation with my AH. My daughter and I went out to eat with him twice this week. It turned into him asking me to spend the night. He also tried to kiss and hug me In my car. Honestly there was a part of me who wanted to have some wild sex with him. Just for sex...nothing else. But I know it would ruin me emotionally. So I remained clear-headed and went home...to my nice clean quiet sanctuary without him.
He claims he is trying to get our family back together, but I am refusing his advances so he doesn't know what I want from him in order to save our family. Dinner and sex won't cut the mustard!! He swears he is done drinking. It's only been 3 weeks since his last drink. There's a long way to go before I will even believe he can stop drinking. He is still jobless. He continues to buy junk and not get rid of stuff. Stuff is an understatement. He could star in the Tv show "Hoarders". To his credit, I ignored huge red flags before we got married...like the junk. But the junk got worse like the drinking did.
Its only been 2 months since I moved out and he wants us all back together and wants me to forgive the bad things from the past and move forward. I can't take this risk anymore. I have tried really hard for 11 years to help him.
he wants to take us out tomorrow night for Mother's Day and I said no. I am ok with being nice...but I don't think I owe him anything. I have yet to see any major changes. He says he goes to maybe 1 AA meeting a week.
I think I can predict he will drink again before he does anything I have requested.
So...remember...if you go out to dinner...he might want some sex to go with it!!
This is very similar to my story. I left and my ah was still in my life for a long time after. I realise now that it was not good for anyone. He thought there was a chance but deep down I knew there wasnt. He stopped then started then stopped drinking, it was all to get me back, not for himself or his own life, so it was never long lasting it was superficial. I quite liked being chased a little by him and knowing all I had to do was snap my fingers and he came running. Until, I got some recovery and realised that I had to decide if I wanted him as is, or not at all because the situation was making me feel bad about myself, I was enabling him still and I was also feeding my own ego, I had power over him and I was the judge and jury and I saw him as pathetic and a liar. I could see his recovery was all about him getting what he wanted, me and his old life, rather than a desire to change his life for himself. We were still on the merrygoround, just a different ride but leading nowhere.
Anyway, I told him that I would never take him back, I was all about me, recovering, getting to know myself for the first time ever, my energy was all about me. He took it bad, he hit the drink for a while, tried some emotional blackmail, you know the ususal, nothing surprising. Thenu, after a few months he got into aa and has been sober for over a year. I dont communicate with him unless its a family thing and he has got some recovery, he is happy, wow, its actually amazing, he talks our recovery lingo. Im so happy for him and I know that splitting up was the right thing for us. While we were both sick we were triggers for each other, it would have went back to the same old unhealthy dysfunction. It was not about him making all the changes to my satisfaction. That was too much for me to handle, I am working on my own recovery and I dont know what healthy looks like in another person completely, I only know what it feels like on me.
I suggest you keep working your program before making any decisions, work on your own flaws, what parts of you do you need to change before you know if your ready for a healthy relationship. He might never get sobriety or if he does, its more about your own recovery, working on the damage caused by alcoholism within you. Take what you like and leave the rest.
My children loved that book when they were little. I think we still have it somewhere, maybe I should read it to my A, LOL.
Thanks for the share and comparison, it humorously put it in perspective of what alcoholics do whether you are with them or not.
(((Newlife girl))) Your title and reference to the book made me smile! I can relate and also missed some of the classic red flags and excused his extreme sloppiness. One thing that became evident as the years wore on is that I was truly powerless to help him or effect or impose changes in him or on him, and, in hindsight, my efforts actually often made things worse. Thankfully, Alanon helped me define and enforce boundaries that keep the focus on me - the start of something wonderful... I hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day!
