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This is my first post in several years. A little history... I married my wife in 2001. She has always battled alcoholism. About 3 years ago, the longest and most difficult battle arose. It lasted a year and a half. During that time, she lost her job, was hospitalized twice and arrested twice, once for PI and once for DUI. After her second arrest (DUI), she did 10 days in jail for probation violation and lost her drivers license for 1 year. So, at the end of 2012, she was determined that she would never drink again.
I have spent most of our marriage, up to 2012, sick as well. I was definitely a co-dependent: cleaning up her mess, buying her alcohol, helping her hide it from the kids and family. Finally, with the first hospitalization... it was too big for me to handle and people started finding out. This was the start of my journey in getting better. I met some wonderful people on this board and did a lot of reading. I learned to allow her to own her problem.
2013 was a horrible year of cleaning up her mess. We were forced to file bankruptcy and barely made it out with our house. In 2014, things are looking up. Until about 4 weeks ago. I noticed that she was becoming a little distant from me. Hiding her phone and spending time upstairs at night. Two weeks ago Friday, all was revealed. We paid the last of her fines off and she got her license back. That night we were supposed to go to a concert. She texted me a few hours prior and said she deserved to celebrate her license and got something to drink. She said it was her choice and I was free to choose to leave. I agreed that it was her choice, but I was still going to the concert with or without her. When I got home late that evening, I found her phone on the floor with a text from a brother of one of her old out-of-state friends. I felt justified in reading it, so I did. He had been telling her that I was controlling her and that she should drink whenever she wanted to. He said that he would be better for her because he would let her drink.
So, of course, I was mad and the next morning I confronted her about both the drinking and texting this other guy. I explained to her that under no point would I ever try to stop her from drinking, but that I couldn't allow it to affect my life again. She didn't have much to day except that he was nothing to her and that she was just going to finish what she had and be done. Then on Sunday afternoon, in a sober state, she told me that she didn't want to be with me and was going to go move in with this other guy (in another state). She left and about an hour and a half, came back with a wrecked car. She had been sitting at a gas station 2 minutes away, trying to decide to leave or not. According to her, she decided to come home and hit a light pole because she was driving and texting. We turned it into the insurance company, but her car won't be ready for another week and a half.
She told me that she was sorry and wanted to be with me... that before she left she was saying whatever she could so that I would let her go, because of all the promises this guy made. The next week was fine, but last weekend was more drinking, some this week (on work nights), and during this weekend as well. All the while, texting and talking to this guy. I have been spending my time away from the house... only coming home to sleep and get ready for work the next day.
I am ready to be done. I am tired of this. I cannot and will not go through this again, esp. with another guy feeding her positive messages about drinking. My question for all of you is: what is the proper way to proceed? I don't want to just tell her my plans. I don't feel like I can trust her not to wipe out our bank accounts and leave me with nothing. My thoughts are to create a new checking account this week, for only my pay in only my name. Then bide my time until her car is fixed. After paying for her car, give her 50% of our capital and tell her that I want to be separated. If she chooses to leave the state, fine. Does that sound like a reasonable approach, or is there a better way?
Does anyone have any stories they can share about how they approached separation?
Thanks so much for any advice,
Eddie
-- Edited by Tool1248 on Saturday 10th of May 2014 02:35:29 PM
Hi, Eddie. First, I want to say how deeply frustrating this all would feel to me. I, too, would be where you are if this were happening to me. I'm not sure my experience will help you in this regard as my reaching the end of my rope had to do with my x's abuse and drug use. I was able to take advantage of his desire to be "partyin'" with friends on the weekends and suggested he spend an entire weekend with friends. When he did, I changed the locks on the doors and told him he could not return to the house. I was done. He didn't really want to be married or to be a father and I really didn't want to live with an abusive addict. We separated and he willingly gave me part of his paycheck until I filed for a divorce he didn't contest. I was able to find a really good lawyer (I didn't want one who would "take him to the cleaners") who guided me well with finances, support and drawing up a visitation schedule for the x. I'd have to say it was all a HP'd thing. It was easy and took only a few months from start to finish.
I did learn that if I had tried to make all the decisions without a good attorney's care and guidance, I could have hurt myself more than was necessary financially. Thanks to this attorney, I was released by the courts from half of the finances in a way that I could keep the house and one of our cars and the bills. He got his car that was paid for and things purchased on credit that was primarily his. His name was removed from all insurance for what the courts agreed would be mine. My name was removed from all insurance records for properties the court agreed would be solely his. I could rest assured that any accidents, tickets, etc he incurred would not also become my debt. I moved swiftly in what became clear to me was in my best interest and that of my children's at that time.
Much support for you and I do hope you continue meetings and coming back here, too. No matter what choice you make - staying with her or not - the disease continues to progress without treatment for both parties. Even if she continues to drink, you will be able to recover and continue to recover with the help of this program.
Facing the realization that she has no interest in quitting, you now have to take care of you. I would immediately separate your money from hers. Set up a new account in your name only, not hiding it but stopping her access to your money. Before you tell her you are leaving you have to be proactive as it sounds as if the other guy will give her advice that will not be beneficial to you. And, with the disease at this stage, she will be looking out only for herself.
If you have savings, then take your half but leave the rest. Have proof that you are only taking half. Then go to a lawyer and get a separation agreement. My son was told by his lawyer that, once he had formally informed his wife in writing or by email that he was separating, then he was no longer responsible for any further debts incurred by her. The worrisome thing here is that she will have another accident and hurt someone else or cause major damage that you do not want to pay for. I don't know how this works in your part of the world and you do need to see a lawyer pdq.
Do keep coming back to the board and the program. This has had to be so stressful for you and you need support.
Sorry you're going through this man. Now in Al-anon, we don't give advice. I have never been in a similar situation so can't give you any affirmation that you're making the right choice. Leaving a marriage is easier said than done, especially when there are kids involved. It sounds like you have made up your mind and these things have a way of working out for the better.
Your friends and family will be your rocks in this situation. Try going to a face to face al-anon meeting, many people there will understand what you're going through. I'm sure if you left people would understand and be there for you as best they can and know. I know you're trying to protect your money but your plan seems quite manipulative and sneaky, some of the traits she seems to have displayed with you. That is part of 'our' disease as al-anon's we adopt a lot of the alcoholic's traits without ever picking up a drink.
How should you proceed? I get the feeling you already know the answer. In your post you've explored different scenarios, what could happen, how it will affect different aspects, so you've carefully thought this out and you know what to do.
So, tell us? What's the plan? :) Whatever it is, we're always here to listen
I couldnt live with the craziness either. I left during a crisis and did not plan it. I left with nothing except some clothes. I wouldnt have done it differently but I think your wise to get things in order first. As for telling her, there probably is no easy way. It might be best just to say it calmly and clearly. She must have some idea its coming anyway. Noone can expect to behave this way indefinately, then again alcoholics dont think rationally so maybe she does. Good luck with it and im glad you are taking the step to have a better life than this.
Hi Eddie. Your plan sounds like a good start. If you are able to stay in your house and make her leave, that would be easier for you wouldn't it? If you are the one moving out, I will tell you how I started the process when I moved out with my kids. We already had separate bank accounts. I rented a storage unit first and put all my sentimental and valuable things in it. I looked around and decided what I could live without and left it there. I took only the essential things we needed first. Over the last 2 months I have been donating things to Goodwill and gradually taking more things I need for my much smaller place. I would suggest changing your locks if she is moving out. I understand the chaos you have been through. It's no way to live. In al anon I have learned to trust my higher power and my sponsor. I have been in this program for a year and it is what helped me get the strength to call it quits. May you find the strength you need to move forward. You are not alone.
Thanks for all the wonderful, supportive responses. You guys are fantastic!
Al Anon meets on Tuesday nights, here in my town. I will begin by attending this meeting. If I still believe that splitting is the proper path, I will start a new checking account on Wednesday. slogan_jim, I understand that you think that this seems sneaky... but, I have warned her in the past I would have no choice but to split our accounts because she was spending bill money on alcohol. Now I have a new concern that given the fact she is being somewhat manipulated by this guy, she could potentially wipe me out and leave me with nothing. I would ensure that everything is fair, equal, and documented.
Thanks again, and I will follow up after Tuesday nights meeting.
When I left my exAH I set up nothing and it made things much more difficult, but I figured it out. I agree to set yourself up to make it transition better, because it will be hard anyway. Make it to all the face to face meetings you can while going through this and read al-anon literature when you get stuck in your head. I am glad you are here and keep coming back. Sending you much love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hi Eddie. My story is very much the same as yours, up to and including the 'cleaning up the mess' part. My AW has had two DUIs, during the first one, the morning that she met her probation officer, that afternoon she was passed out on the couch from Vodka. I now know I should have just turned her in. Second DUI last fall, now major, major expenses. She is now in very good recovery. I just hope it stays that way, and she doesn't get her license back in November and start in again.
So I have no advice for you on how to leave. But I do understand your plight, and can say that I would likely do the same thing in your shoes, there is a point where it is just too much, and to go on would be killing yourself, inside, outside, or both.
So I wish you well, and that everything works out for everyone involved as much as is possible. In the meantime, keep hitting up the meetings.
