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Taken a lot of courage to come on here and tell my story. It is such a long one that I think I will keep it short in case I bore anyone. lol. I am a mum to a 3 year old and am 6 months pregnant. Our marriage is in a terrible mess and after 3 or 4 times of nearly leaving this is the last time I contemplate it and back out.
My husband has always drank and it runs in the family as his dad is a very heavy drinker and gets very stressed just like my husband. Over the years the drinking has peaked and troughed and each time he says he is going to control it but then it gets worse again. He is a sole drinker and spends his life drinking alone in the garage continually telling me he has jobs to do which in fact has become clearer and clearer that these jobs are an excuse to drink.
His personality has changed over the years and I am not sure if it is the drink or not but he has become incredibly difficult to live with and even my family have begun to resent him and his awkward ways. He doesnt bath,clean his teeth or make him self look nice ever which has had a huge impact on our intimacy to the point we dont have sex any more (except for the one time of making the baby 6 months ago). He is crude and uncouth and still lives like a student. I offer him a dinner every night but he refuses and then comes up from the garage drunk late at night and raids the fridge.
Over the years our lives have become very separate. I spend every evening alone in the house and he spends every evening alone in the garage. When I am angry or struggling with things I am not very good at covering up my feelings and he starts to make an effort again but it is so false and seems to be only to put him back in my good books.
After a very very difficult holiday away with family where our financial problems impacted on everyone and he still continued to buy beers even when we had only a few quid left. This began resentment in my family towards him and my brother ended up loosing it at him on the last day of the holiday. This holiday was the last straw. I felt like a one man band trying to manage a very lively toddler whilst 5 months pregnant and knackered and he seems to play on the fact my family are there and becomes incredibly difficult to be around and making himself look like a complete nob. Raiding the fridge of things at night when stuff had been bought in for the week, purposefully finding as much to do as possible to avoid putting my son to bed when I was on my knees and later admitting he didnt want to put him to bed tonight and was hoping I would do it.
He is stubborn and has begun driving erratically when I ask him to slow down in the car which I find so so scary.
I could go on for ever about all the instances of awkwardness and I put it down to him not dealing with stress very well and then reacting in a very unpleasant way until he can unwind with a cider.
After that holiday for the first time I cannot shake the fact that it is over for me. I dont love him anymore and when he does come up from the garage I want him to go down again cos he is either drunk or I just find him incredibly irritating. Living apart like this for so long has caused a huge crack in our relationship which I have tried and tried to push under a rug and carry on for the sake of my son and the fact I made vows to him and I am a christian.
I want to leave him but am in a predicament as to whether to leave it till the baby is past the newborn stage and then move in with my mum or do it before the mayhem arrives. I am very concerned about my son though as it will be a huge change having a new brother or sister to contend with and then to add moving into my mums just before it as well. I am finding the stress getting to me so much and I hate spending every night alone and I just dont know what to do.
My gut feeling is leave it till breaking point. Feeling really trapped and very lost. I am so so sick of repeating the same thing and telling him he spends too much time in the garage and that he needs to stop drinking and suddenly I feel I have got to a point where I just cant do it any more and I kinda want him to continue sabbotaging this marriage so I have a way out. Sounds wierd but desperately unhappy.
Hi, just my opinion on what I would have done differently. I have a 6 month old baby, by all of the stress of living and dealing with my AH I put my baby's health in jeopardy, she was born prematurely. I too contemplated and wondered if before or after the baby would be better. I also have an older child and worried about all the changes in his life. If you haven't go to an alanon meeting, if you have keep going! Many others will share their wonderful experience and wisdom here, you are no longer alone! Kerry
Thank you so much for replying Kerry. I have looked for an alanon meeting and there are none in my area. I live in quite a remote area and the nearest would be an hour away and wanting to go discretely really lol. Hope you dont mind me asking but are you still with your husband? My husband doesnt spend his life paralytic but has moments of drinking past his tolerance where he is wasted. I cant believe how much he can tolerate! I hate the person he becomes when he has a drink. He is overbearing, smothering and irritating and I know he has been drinking as soon as he walks through the door. He does so well to cover it but recently I have been monitoring how much he is consuming and was very hurt to discover he was drinking far more than I realised.
I think for me it the breakdown of the relationship that is affecting me more than anything because he has spent so much time apart from me I dont know him anymore and dont want to. I cant stand the smell of him and the smell of alcohol on him. We sleep in separate rooms because the alcohol makes him snore and so I feel like a live with a lodger really. Just feel like such a twit for getting pregnant again when I knew the realtionship was breaking down. I just so desperately wanted another one and resented him for being the person that would stop me giving my son a sibling. The age gap is bigger because of all our problems and me constantly postponing it because of marriage difficulties. Such an idiot!
Alcoholism is a terrible baffling progressive disease. It breeds isolation due to shame. It breaks down whole families and leaves destruction in its wake. You seem to be experiencing all of that. You have found a place where it is safe to share about this. You have found a place that won't give your opinions, but instead we share our Experience, Hope, and Strength so that you may make up your own mind on such important matters.
If you can't get to a face to face Al anon meeting you can attend online meetings here in our chatroom. The schedule is posted in the room, there are meetings twice a day. You also have access to lots of ESH just by reading the postings here of so many people in strikingly similar circumstances.
Wow! Lots of stuff on your plate to deal with right now and before now, too. Lots of good e/s/h you've received - especially about attending Al-Anon meetings. We suggest in meetings not to make any major changes for about six months in the program. We also don't give advice about what someone should or should not do (except in cases of domestic violence) because we trust the process of Al-Anon and the person who attends and adopts the program to work for themselves will come to answers for themselves that are right for them.
With that said, my experience with my x was similar to yours. It didn't matter what I asked him to do or not do, he'd do the direct opposite. Not only was I powerless over his dependencies, I was powerless over his decisions. One day, I just knew what I needed to do and I did it. I took back my power. I stopped letting him "run the show" and have total control over our lives. I stood up for me in ways that worked for me and stopped hoping he was going to change. He wasn't and in many ways, he didn't. But I did.
I'm glad you're here. I strongly suggest Al-Anon for you. I hope you come back here, too.
You could have been writing about my life, AH drinks in garage, promises to control it, leading separate lives, etc. I also have wanted AH to continue so it (in my thinking) would make leaving easier, though nothing is easy about this disease. To answer your question I am still with my husband, really don't like him at this point, we barely talk to each other, and not sure how much longer I can do this. He's in One of his "I can control it" periods which used to give me hope. I now am trying to find my hope within myself and focus on me, not him. I'm sorry you don't have easier Access to face to face meetings, you could call the hotline number and talk to someone. There are also meetings on this wonderful site, and the literature is wonderful too. Going back and reading older posts has given me so much ESH, and it's amazing how similar the alcoholic acts and says. And to realize that you are not alone, other people have gone or are going through similar struggles I have found very comforting. You are NOT an idiot, take care of you and the baby and your son!
Aloha Mole and welcome to the board...I'm thinking you are way past your point and were when you decided to reach out to us. To bad the meeting is an hour away and then its still within reach. Get there and you will find help face to face from a lot of others like us you know what you're going thru. We by the way don't give advise...we share our own real experiences...the stuff we know which has worked for us....you get to still make your own decisions. Get safe...this is the nastiest disease on the planet and that is why we are in almost every country on this planet. (((((hugs))))) keep coming back.
I just want to welcome you and thank you for your share. It takes courage to reach out and ask for help. To me an Alanon meeting that is an hour away would also seem far to drive if I had never been to an in person Alanon meeting. Having been to Alanon meetings now for a lot of years, I can't picture my life without the meetings or the people I've come to know who are program friends as well as my Alanon sponsor. If meetings are scarce where you live, you might find some people from your area at the meeting and be able to share driving responsibilities with them. You just never know.
I usually look up where I can find alanon meeting even when I'm going on a vacation somewhere. I do it partly because I love the program and am excited to meet other people in the program from other places but also because going on vacation doesn't mean taking a vacation from recovery. I need to keep well every day and a vacation isn't going to fix what's troubling me. I'm always glad I've gone to a meeting. It seems I always hear something from someone that helps me or gives me something to think about concerning my own life and how to better it.
This program and listening to the shares of other people at meetings help us to find answers that will work for our own lives and give us the strength to take actions that lead to more sanity in our lives and overall wellness. The program offers fellowship and hope. Keep coming back! TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I am so glad you found us. Only you know what is right regarding staying or leaving. Al-anon meetings, reading al-anon literature and finding a sponsor could help you like it did for me in so many ways. I am glad you found us and keep coming back and sharing your journey here with your new MIP family! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thanks so much for all your replies. I find it difficult to get back on the computer during the day with a toddler and husband at the weekend so this my time now he is back in the garage. Had a very low morning and went to the local market while he was sleeping off the alcohol but felt so alone. My son was and is being very difficult at the moment and I put it down to me being subdued and not myself poor little mite. Kids know when there is something up!
On my return he was going in the bath (whoah!!). I made my son and I lunch and not my husband as it has got the point where he refuses food whenever I offer him it. I wish though I had because after his bath he came in and I offered him a lovely soft baguette from the shop and showed him all the salad and ham. He then proceeded in smearing the whole baguette in spices and ketchup and drowning it in cheese and then putting under the grill and leaving a right mess. He only ate a quarter of it. What a waste.
Anyway after this the day got better. He actually stayed in the house and played with my son for most of the afternoon!! He was happy chilled out and really making an effort. I even managed to catch up on some sleep on the couch! Its these moments I begin to question my motives and begin to become guilty for the feelings I have towards him but I have started to realise there is often more behind his actions than I realise. At 4pm he went down to the garage. He came back up at 7:30pm to put son to bed (he is on at weekends). The problem is he is already intoxicated and still drinking in front of my son when he puts him to bed.
I have been shocked at the amount he is actually drinking and he tells me on average it is 3 bottles of 7.5% cider a night but after monitoring for the last few nights (accompanied with the wierd trying too hard behaviour) he drunk 5 on thurs, 5 fri and has already consumed 7 and its only 8:30pm! I find the lack of trust hurtful and I feel he is manipulating my emotions with his very erratic behaviour. Spending time in the house with his son, going out for days out at the weekend etc should be normal not a fall off the seat moment for me!!
I know he has a problem but it has been there for years with over and over failed promises and lies and I am done. I spoke to my mum today about leaving before the baby arrives and she is now prepared and supportive if that happens. I told her we are living together only as parents and not as husband and wife anymore and I have realised that even when he tries that bit harder my heart no longer feels the same anymore. I think he probably feels quite similar to be fair but he will never admit it.
Feels so wrong to leave husband when pregnant and I will probably not have the guts to go ahead till after the baby is born but I feel we are near breaking point and I may even just move out to shock him into stopping the drink before the baby arrives.
He just came in after putting our son to bed and I decided to be honest with him and told him he reeked of alcohol (sick of being subtle). He reacted badly and said it was because he had just had a bottle of cider. I said he smells like he has had more than that and he made a sarcastic comment that I should be in the police if I am that amazing at sniffing how much alcohol someone has had. Even where he had been walking down the hall I could smell. Am I imagining it? Can he really smell that much just from one bottle? He smells like a brewery. Sick of this!1
-- Edited by moleinahole on Saturday 10th of May 2014 02:43:20 PM
What I've learned in al-anon so far is that I need to let the alcoholic be. Counting his drinks (which I used to do) and arguing with him about how much he drinks (which I also used to do) just makes me crazy. He's going to do what he's going to do either way, and I and our relationship are calmer without me trying to micromanage his drinking. And I too have been riding the roller coaster of ups and downs when he says he's going to control his drinking or he's going to stop drinking. In fact, a few weeks ago I was in tears for half of my face-to-face al-anon meeting because of the rollercoaster. I'm starting to understand that my emotions can't hinge on his promises and broken promises. I need to try to be well even if he isn't well.
My husband always threw the marriage vows at me (after he admitted he had a disease) he always said ..."in sickness and in health".........I got so tired of hearing that and I replied ......well, what happened to ......."to love and cherish" because he certainly was not doing that for me.
My husband used to blame his stumbling around on his medication----they use such confusing arguments that you really do start to question your own interpretation of reality. You KNOW he has been drinking a lot but your mind tries to help you cope by saying....maybe he has diabetes....maybe he's having a mini stroke....etc....etc.....etc Your mind does this to protect you........but now you have awareness of what is really going on and it's like waking up from a dream.......next you will accept that he will do whatever he wants (drink) and eventually you will take action-------when to do that?????/
Well, that is the real question. At least you have a plan in place and your Mom is supporting you which will be helpful.
Wishing you the best.
Jill
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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)
I too am a Christian, and signed up for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.
It's just heartbreaking when there are children involved. I wish I could say something more supportive. It sounds like we are married to similar men...
Leaving might not shock him into long-term sobriety. It could give him yet another reason to point to for the reason he drinks. The disease of alcoholism is one of deception and lies. It is cunning, baffling and powerful. Nothing we do or say or don't do or don't say has any power over that disease or the person with it, so focusing on ourselves and listening to what we want and need to do for our sakes and the sake of our children and then doing it in my experience is the way to create a new life for ourselves whether or not our loved one makes any lasting changes for himself.
I chose to separate from my x because I saw clearly that he wasn't going to change and that his disease (which I didn't know was the disease at the time) was more harmful to my children than it wasn't harmful. I had to change what I could and separating my children from living in a house 24 hours a day with a man concerned only with his next fix or his next rage-filled explosion was what I could change.
Not all people married to a person with this disease decides to leave them temporarily or permanently. I did and had he not been abusive or bringing drugs into our home, too, I may have decided differently.
With that said, the Al-Anon program can help you learn to focus on yourself and what you can change and stick to when and if the time comes for you to decide that Yes, staying or leaving is best for you and your children now. And you can change your mind about that later, too, if he indeed begins to work a program for himself and reconciliation becomes a very realistic possibility if you decide that leaving or asking him to leave is the most loving choice you can make for yourself and for your children.
My son knew what I was feeling after so many years. It was not useful anymore to remind him. I had to let go of it and start taking care of me. I also knew when he was drinking a lot because he would sweat it from his pores. He always thought I wouldn't notice, denied it and just got very upset and shut down.
Prayers are with you and your children and I ask that HP gives you what you need.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I see my journey in Al-anon as a series of steps from the first venture onto this board, to where I am now. Step one acknowledging that problem and that it was bigger than anything I could fix. Once the problem was identified out loud, there was no going back to ignoring that it would get better all on its own if I just left it alone. Once identified, I could not go back to living with him if he wasn't going to work with me on fixing what was wrong, I couldn't go back to just letting him live here because he is the malicious verbally abusive type and wouldn't go drink somewhere else and leave me to exist in my world separate from him. His anger drove him to leave me on a regular basis and the last time he left, I found Al-anon and he never came back. He never came back because I wouldn't let him; I wouldn't let him because he wanted to continue life "as is" and I couldn't do that anymore. Nothing changes if nothing changes was a motto I clung too when he would try to get me to take him back "as is". I saw myself as gradually taking steps back away from him as I learned and he refused to. My only condition was that he go to AA; didn't say stop drinking, just AA; but he only went a few times, used what he heard there as fuel against me and I took another step away from him and towards divorce. A friend remarked that "we could always get married again" when I lamented that I didn't want to fail at the marriage, I'd vowed to love till death do us part after all - but death comes in many forms. I think the wisdom of not telling someone what to do works because whatever we choose, it has to be OUR decision because we are the ones dealing with the outcomes of that decision.
I would marry him again, under the right circumstances, but those circumstances include AA, not drinking, different mind set, conflict resolution training, etc. But I'm not holding my breath or waiting for that to would happen.
Once I made it onto this board and started to read about me in other people's words, I couldn't unsee the truth.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I am so so sick of repeating the same thing and telling him he spends too much time in the garage and that he needs to stop drinking and suddenly I feel I have got to a point where I just cant do it any more and I kinda want him to continue sabbotaging this marriage so I have a way out. Sounds wierd but desperately unhappy.