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I don't know where I am going with this post .. it really has been a rough week .. just emotionally .. I'm so overly hormonal at the moment anyway and it just seems like everything is hitting at once .. it's completely going to be fine .. it means no procrastinating on my part and I still struggle with this character defect. So it's on me if things get dropped and I accept that consequence .. at this point all is good. I'm dealing .. it's what do I do with this garbage .. I don't want to pick it back up ... it's like slime it sticks to me.
Having to deal with my STBAX has brought to the forefront my PTSD issues (they have been under control) .. it's frustrating because I feel like I've dealt with them now that I've had some time .. perspective really is everything I think it's more fear that I did something wrong. I had a long conversation with my STBAX's S/mom recently and I did revisit it in my mind yesterday and today only because it seems to have contributed to these feelings. I probably overshared with her .. however I checked and double checked my motives and I didn't do it with the idea that she was going to magically fix the situation .. in my mind I did it because if she's going to be around the kids she needs to understand a few things about the parenting agreement and how it is written. I know he's not going to tell her and she won't believe the kids if they tell her .. I don't know why I think she will believe me .. however hearing it from me will reinforce what the kids say in terms of .. if they want to leave or decide visitation is enough.
Very shortly after I got that bizzaro text from my STBAX about the cats, moving and he was raging big time. It was about visitation, him demanding that the kids call him, they aren't going to it and I told him that, I can't make them call if they are going umm .. we did and he never called back. They have a total point. They did what he asked them to do .. he feels guilty that he had what I call "better things to do" which translates to drinking and/or a new flavor of the month. It was about money, it was about all of the hot topics that he completely freaks out over. I'm suppose to see him as a nice standup guy and I just don't .. he goes through the roof over that issue. I addressed some issues that he brought up (insurance things) and he never responded I did text one other time to only tell him what he owes as far as the receipts go. Not a word from him .. that probably throws me off more than anything else. I mean .. F Off, I hate you, .. something verses the whole silence. I decided if I had to sit on my hands, turn off my phone I was NOT going to respond. I have literally pretended there is an OP out to keep me from texting .. I almost broke yesterday. I did not though. So I never said another word and the kids and I have gone on with our plans based upon the fact honestly .. I figured we were headed into 8 months of them not seeing him again. Whatever .. I let go of that .. I had debated about forcing an issue .. however .. it's not worth it. It will come out in court and it's not me that looks like a moron .. it's definitely him.
I can't begin to express how badly I shook after that interchange. It was extremely upsetting. I was with my son and he could tell it shook me up pretty good. He's my hugger when he's upset and that's what I got .. a great big hug .. I'm grateful for that in both of my kids. They reach out in that way. The fear really took me off guard. Again .. no word since what last week? Well got another text about money and him wanting to see "his kids" and how I need to have them call him .. LOL .. well ok and nooo. I text back that's fine .. however he needs to contact the kids directly regarding plans for this weekend. He is unaware and that's ok .. we have plans. The kids have school stuff. I'm sure he is unaware that it's Mother's Day on Sunday .. and again .. that's ok too .. LOL .. I could use the break and I still see them in the morning .. which is wonderful. They won't leave until after 12pm so we will have time together as it is .. plus I get after 5pm so it's all good. My daughter is very put out because she wanted to have a sleep over and honestly .. there is way to much going on this weekend I did promise next weekend for sure.
Again .. I shook badly .. I haven't had these emotions come up for such a long time in this way. It triggers smells that aren't there, irrational fear in terms of I had someone come up behind me and I almost flattened them with my fists .. this was a complete stranger .. I flipped so fast I scared them. I'm trying to identify the difference and why this hyper-vigilance is coming up .. it IS partially (mostly) fear. There is something else along with it too. Control maybe feeding the fear? Definitely he is unpredictable .. I haven't heard another word about the cats or moving .. I'm still working on a solution for that part of the deal. I don't want to loose my old lady she's a grump and a love .. I miss her a lot. I'm sure he will tell the kids when he sees them about both .. so we will wait and see. Time is ticking and I need to get her to the vets if possible sooner than later. I'm trying to find a no kill shelter since he threatened to take them to the shelter on the 15th of this month .. I'm just extremely frustrated with the fact that I gave him another way to mess with me. Thankfully it will be short lived .. it will create a hardship for me as well. It means another 50$ a month on top of what I already pay .. that's a lot for me at the moment.
Anyway, .. I'm just .. I don't know .. again .. what do I do with this stuff? Especially when it's these kinds of intense emotions .. I do have an appointment with my shrink and will address it .. that isn't until the 23rd .. so it's just hard to try and figure out what to do during the in between time. I have a little bit of homework to do on myself (assignments I gave myself actually and that should help). I'm trying to find the time though .. that's the challenge! I haven't had time to unpack recently between running here and there .. it will be a down night tonight so we will be able to do a few things. I would like a moment though of not having my days interrupted .. lol .. that would be nice. I have had more appointments recently and more things that have to get done or else.
Sigh .. it is what it is and this too shall pass .. I'm just trying to stay on my side of the street and clean up my own mess without having someone else shove everything this direction!!
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I'm suppose to see him as a nice standup guy and I just don't .. he goes through the roof over that issue.
Well if that did not hit home with me......I have the same problem.
Really I just see that as the "addiction" talking.
"If I am a great guy, then I am not doing anything wrong, therefore I dont need to change." My interpretation of the voice of addiction. LOL
Have you ever gotten the anxiety workbook?
When my PTSD starts, I read the workbook and that really helps. Also when the irrational fear is present, I have learned it is a rush of adrenaline in the body. They suggest jumping jacks or a quick walk. I am not sure if that is helpful or not.
You are powerless over him, alcoholism and sometimes I am powerless over myself, when my body is reacting due to these triggers, I need to go with it, put it all on a shelf for a bit. Release it, send it to your higher power in a letter. In my own experience the answers and clarity cant get in while the mind is reacting and frantic. Can you get to a meeting, often that is just what I need when im back at step 1. Im glad you have reached out here, it might be a good idea to reach out to your sponsor or an old timer.
This too shall pass. Sometimes, I need to bring myself back to the moment, look around and see that everything is okay, noone is hurt, everyone is safe right at this moment. The rest of it will sort itself out eventually. Its not all on you to fix everything or control everything. He might throw the crap your way but you dont have to catch it. I love to know that im just a tiny wee person on this big earth and I dont have the answers and I cant change anyone but myself.x
I remember right after I moved and was getting settled I had PTSD big time, I would wake up at night in a panic and was just off kilter for awhile. I did eventually settle down, but it took time and I was really bad when the kids were gone at night, jumpy and fearful and didn't sleep well. I fell asleep reading al-anon and woke up the same way and it eventually passed. I had letting go issues after I looked back at that time and after upping my meetings with my sponsor, I did wok through and find the roots to my PTSD and move through it, but triggers do exist and I have to stay diligent. I know this has been dragged out for you and you are left without closure and I can't imagine. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I got a meeting this weekend. With the schedules until the kids are out of school I can't make more than 1 meeting a week. I'm just one person pulled in way to many directions .. lol. I wish I could clone myself. My sponsor is also very busy and we text often however I can tell when she's got her own stuff going on. I'm going to look into the anxiety workbook .. Truth is there a name of that book? Or is it just called Anxiety Workbook?
He actually dropped money off Friday. He is hallucinating about being caught up .. however that's not my issue that's on him. The state doesn't see him caught up and he still is not regarding receipts.
The move has been incredibly positive it's the rage filled texts I get out of the blue and I just try and not react to them. I stick to the subject at hand and keep it short and simple. It seems to help. Unfortunately he waited until yesterday before calling and our oldest reacted in tremendous anger. She was angry that he expected them to call the night before and he waited until yesterday late afternoon. He doesn't understand that his no show and no callshurt the kids. He is trying to blame everyone else for his missing visitation. She let him have it by simply stating they were busy and she would call him later. I'm sure he's taken that as a get out of visitation card.
I didn't say anything and am just listening at this point. I haven't heard from him and don't really expect to at this point however I will have to address some issues with him. I'm just not sure how to do it. As well as when I want to .. gak.
Anyway .. the kids and I had a great time yesterday .. it was a good time. Last track meet of the year thank you God .. LOL .. and then today being Mother's Day my youngest gave me the neatest pottery sunflower .. I will have to post a picture of it. My oldest is sleeping .. LOL .. we had a lovely day .. however it was long and a good time.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Happy Mother's Day, Serenity! Glad he delivered some of the money you need to support the children.
As far as the rage-filled texts and his explosive anger - something that helped me was visualizing a raging man as an ant from behind a podium throwing a temper tantrum. Don't ask me why the ant needed a podium in my visualization but it did and my fear and anxiety melted because I no longer feared him or his temper. A storming ant that I chose to let live rather than squash it under my foot was absolutely no threat to me. The feeling of being generous by choosing not to squash that ant helped me regain my sense of interior power, too.
I'm also glad your daughter stood up for herself to him. My daughter did the same with her Dad who began to tell her when she entered the teen years that she was becoming "a b**ch just like her Mother." She told him what kind of father he had been to her when she reached about 16 years of age and although she loved him, she would not allow him to talk down to her or against her Mother. He did change his behavior towards her. He would never win an award for father of the year, but he did care what she said to him and it did register with him. My hope for your daughter is that her Dad will also hear her and respond differently to her than he does or did to you. If not, she still knows she is a person worthy of respect and that she doesn't have to change her plans to accommodate his on the spur of the moment expectations.
