((((hugs))))) Tortuga.

Sometimes I wonder if we are put on this earth to learn and when I have the same type of thoughts and expectations that you are describing here I ask myself what lesson am I supposed to be learning from this? It doesn't necessarily mean that I learn the lesson and then immediately the sun comes out - but for me I think that my class du jour is about relaxing over what others think of me and using my energy to do things that make me feel good about myself.

Feeling invisible is not a nice feeling but I think many of us have that feeling from time to time. I am very aware that I expect others to come to me and say 'you are marvellous, we would like to give you this big contract/happy ending/whatever.' Of course it doesn't happen unless I reach out and 'knock on the door' of those that I would like to have 'see' me. And it also depends on whether or not they are in a place where they can see me. AH is not yet in that place. That is not my problem really. I don't always have the energy to do the reaching out so at the moment I am using my time to rest, learn about meditation and decide where I would like to go so that I can make the most of this life I've been gifted.

PS I think that when I am realising that friends and family don't deserve to hear my woes any more I am actually projecting my own thoughts about myself as well - I'm actually bored with hearing myself - we are just so inclined to care about others, but many of the things we say can, I think, easily relate to our own self care if we listen.

As I recall, Tortuga, you put a lot of energy into making that relationship work and for your effort you were physically abused - more than once. You could try it again and the outcome of that trying could be worse for you. I doubt it would be better. When I chose to separate myself from my abusive husband, I experienced doubts at times. Fortunately, I had reached Step 3 and turned my will and my life into my HP's hands when the doubts came. So, every time I decided to take my life back and "try again," I'd walk outside to get in my car to drive to my x's apartment to ask him to come home and I'd hear my abusive neighbor screaming at his wife and go right back into my house or my other neighbor would come to visit whose husband was also abusive and tell me the new treatment her doctor had recommended for her severe mental illness developed during her long-term marriage to a man who had affairs, blamed her and beat her while she tried to tend to six kids while isolated in her own home.

You've made the healthy and loving choice to separate from an abusive A. No amount of love or change on our part will make an abusive man or an A the kind of man we want and need to appreciate and cherish us, T. They are what they are and we aren't going to be the ones to change them. You're grieving and working the program will help you grieve well and move on beyond the doubts and beyond abusive relationships.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 8th of May 2014 09:00:58 PM

Thank you all for your support. yes, i slipped yesterday. And I'm grieving losses. Today i feel a little bit stronger, the wave passed. I tried my best to detach, with love even, and to put the focus back on me, and remember the facts. wow, yes, remembering the facts, the distortions still get to me. I know my role in this, I know my mistakes also. and an A is what an A is, No i cannot change him. Alcohol will do thatcontinuously. I realize that now I also need to grieve the loss of Him, or who he could have been. Letting go is a stepwise process, and I think I made it one step further. getting healthier. one day at the time.

I remember those waves had to cycle through me until they became less and less and they are almost no more nowadays and when they hit I am very aware of what is going on and that they are just old feelings running there course and I let them go. Change is not easy, to put ourselves first for me was not natural and it takes time. Let time take time and keep on keeping on. You are getting healthier and I hear it. Sending you love and support on your journey!