The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The last few days I have felt really depressed. I am feeling jealous of people who have a good marriage. I am mad at a co-worker who has lots of money and asks me questions about my family life. I am feeling like a failure because I am in a second failed marriage. My credit score is BAD...just looked it up a few days ago. My ex husband had to co-sign for an apartment for my daughter because my credit score is so low. Luckily I was able to move out and rent an apartment at a place that looked at my income and thought it was high enough and didn't just look at my credit score. I might lose my house. My husband isn't really changing...what did I expect? He is still doing the same things that drive me crazy. He says he is done with alcohol after not drinking for about 2 1/2 weeks. He only goes to maybe 1 AA meeting a week. He bought a used car he can't afford and doesn't need. He is a hoarder. He is still jobless. When people I know are doing well, why am I so upset about it?? I am just feeling like crap and sorry for myself. And overwhelmed. Al anon books are helping....any thoughts on how to feel better???
Sometimes life feels really hopeless. Thanks for reading
Newlife girl I am sorry that you are feeling so down. I do agree that sometimes life does feels hopeless. That is when I make an alanon call, get to an al-a non meeting , come here, read my al anon literature and begin to use the slogans. Reminding myself that by focusing on myself, praying, living one day at a time, I will walk out of this despair and reach the light.
You are not alone - It is a process and we believe in progress not perfection.
Newlife girl I am sorry that you are feeling so down. I do agree that sometimes life does feels hopeless. That is when I make an alanon call, get to an al non meeting , come here, read my al anon literature and begin to use the slogans. Reminding myself that by focusing on myself, praying, living one day at a time I will walk out of this despair and reach the light. You are not alone - It is a process and we believe in progress not perfection Keep on keeping on
i can't add much to this except to say that as i work my program i get healthier and I do see options i can work to better my life.....its a day to day basis, but we CAN make our lives better IF we keep the focus on ourselves and our recovery...one thing i did which was such a relief was to be able to let go my alkies, either walking away or distancing myself emotionally, letting them do what they gotta do and face their consequences w/out my getting into their business/enabling them, etc....i just keep focus on me, working my program....its ok to "look at the problem" but its better to , after looking at it, to think "ok, what can I do TODAY to help me???" like Betty said on the above, progress not perfection........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
"What's the use?" That negative thought has been an unbidden visitor throughout the years for me. I can choose to recognize the thought for what it is - a thought - and substitute a thought that is more true for me and easily accessed through the topics and slogans listed in the back of our readers. Making a gratitude and an assets list helps me focus on what is good and strong in my life and helps to chase the blues away.
I've known some really wealthy people in my lifetime. I've also known happily married people in my lifetime. All of them have had very difficult challenges to navigate that I have noticed I am glad haven't been my challenges. They've also taught me things I needed to know to help build a more satisfying life for myself by listening to what they were in my life to teach me.
Because I had a good credit score and because I trusted a person, I co-signed for somebody once. Never again. Maybe you've been spared something by not being able to co-sign for your daughter's apartment? Maybe losing your house will also mean losing some debt that is too much for you to carry? Maybe your AH will start attending meetings more often in the very near future? Maybe this marriage isn't over and you're just about ready to turn a new corner or maybe it is and you're still about ready to turn a new corner into a new life?
Good you are working your program and as Hotrod suggests - it is a process and we believe in progress not perfection. Might help to up your meetings, too? Don't know - I just know it helps me to up my program work when I'm feeling low.
What can you invest time and energy into that will help? More active in alanon? Another paying job or way to make money? My suggestion is basically to look for and then nurture your own positive so that you don't feel so overwhelmed and stuck in what is going wrong.
Newlife girl, I'm sorry that you're going through this. I totally understand. I agree with what everyone has said about using the Alanon tools... But here are a few things that help me when I am in the sort of mood you are in. I let myself recognize that what I've been through has been really HARD. Of course I'm sad and angry, I've had to deal with hard things. For me, it helps if I don't try to ignore the sadness and anger -- pushing those hard feelings away is one of the childhood things I struggle with, so giving myself permission to FEEL those things is important.
But I try to go forward to remind myself, too, that I'm strong. Things may feel sad and make me mad and put me in a place I don't want to be, but I can keep going. The fact that you've moved out and you've gotten an apartment and you've posted here are all signs that you are taking care of yourself and getting things done to improve things. You are strong and resourceful.
I know the feeling of looking at other couples and wishing I had a happy marriage. But I remind myself that no one sees my AH's alcoholism and they probably thought our marriage looked pretty good too, from the outside, until we separated. You never know what is going on. And you probably have learned, as I did, that it is so much lonelier in a bad relationship than it is being alone.
I know it sounds corny, but making a list of things I'm grateful for is also really helpful for me when I'm having a bad day.
Just said a prayer for you. Just For Today sometimes helps me - or even Just For 10 Minutes! And I put my own endings on it...
Just for today, I won't charge anything new on my credit card.
Just for today, I won't think about so-and-so's marriage.
Just for today, I will be really thankful for my income.
Feeling depressed is no fun. Sometimes I allow myself some self-care - maybe I'll take that nap that the depression make me want. Or maybe I'll go for a walk to try to clear it away for a little while. Or maybe I'll call someone who understands my life.
What I did when I found myself there (because of my choices) was to follow thru on the suggestion of my sponsorship and the old timers in the program...really follow thru ...not only patronize it. I hunkered down with the expectation that I would keep hurting for a while until I learned more and then as promised "that too did pass". Every time I pointed the finger of blame at my alcoholic/addict wife with full justification my sponsor and the elders use to ask me "What is your part in it" and at first that would piss me off to no end for two reasons, one I wanted out of the problem in its easiest form and two I was stuck in the "I can't do its" rather than what I learned later as the "I won't do its". I can do any thing that anyone else in recovery can do and more over I can try it all. That means I can have everything in some way or form that everyone else here earns in peace of mind and serenity...I gotta want that more than I wanted my alcoholic/addict wife sober and clean. The program is about saving my life and everything attached to it that falls within my will. Those that have wills of their own have their own outcomes. "Admitted I was powerless...." was the most powerful statement and practice I ever heard of when I first found the doors to the program and all the magical people behind the doors.... Keep coming back, give up on your program and work "the" program. (((((hugs))))) in support.
Oh yes, I can relate. These were my thought processes to, before alanon. Now its different, not my problems, some have got worse some better, but im different. Ive got a higher power in my life. For me, its a feeling that all is right with the world, everythingnis as it shoukd be. Theres a reason for everything and even though I cant see it. Its all about my own attitude. I was full of elf pity but I can generally stop it in its tracks now, I recognise it, I read on it, I write a gratitude list, I remember that there are always worse situations, I cant compare myself to others, I cant know their pain and i kick myself out of that headspace.x
I think just acknowledging sometimes things just really do suck is ok .. now what .. helps me redirect my focus and asking for what you want is ok to do!! I just give it over to the God of my understanding and let Him sort it all out. I really try and focus on the positives .. there are some days it is easier than others .. 5 things to be grateful for when I get up and 5 things when I go to bed .. helps set my world right.
It won't always be like this .. one of my favorite slogans is .. this too shall pass .. it is only a moment/feeling .. it's not a fact.
Keep coming back .. you sound like you are on the right track .. big hugs :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
((((hugs))))) Newlife Girl - thank you for this post, it helps us all to be reminded of ways to cope with the negative feelings.
My own tricks include are a small journal book that I write in every night and the last thing that I write before putting it away are the three best things of the day - it is amazing what comes to mind, even on the worst of days.
My other trick is to sit and say hello to the negative thought - 'oh hello' says I, 'how can I help?' And I listen to hear a reply. When it works it is almost a physical feeling as the thought seems to say 'thank you for noticing me, now I know you care' and then it backs out of the room leaving me a lovely moment of peace, enough for me to look up and enjoy my surroundings.
Milkwood, I love the idea of acknowledging the negativity, facing it and being gentle with yourself as you send it away. That sounds really healthy, im going to try that. Thanks.x
