Hurting.. - Al-Anon Family Group

Gaby · Senior Member

Hurting..

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Gaby

when you were last here, posting about him, we all suggested that you A--attend meeting....B--get a sponsor......C--get the 12 steps and work them....sounds like you have a slogan down, the 3 C's, but prayer w/out works is just that....one must put forth the effort by working this program in its entirety......it is an everyday project, working on ourselves.....

There are meetings on line here if you can't get to a face to face meeting.....I used to obsess about my daughter #2 and her aca issues and abusing me...working this program has helped me take care of me, put my sanity first...doesn't mean i don't love her b/c i do, but I am taking care of me, working my program and I am better insulated when I do.....

the choice is yours, this board is a good place to come and get tips and ideas on how the ones who are thriving and overcoming the same hard situations....we are thriving b/c we are working on ourselves........

PEACE

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Gaby: My son has lost a job many times, relapsed several times, has been homeless, in and out of rehabs(court ordered and otherwise), jail and prison, too. Though none of this is something I relish, it is his suffering and not mine. It hurts to see him fail and I'm grateful he is still alive and trying.

My suffering is also something I don't relish and program work helps me stay focused on me and my life. When I slip or forget whose business I am in, I am grateful for my sponsor and those in the fellowship who remind me that my life is mine and my son's life is his. I can choose to destroy myself by focusing on my son and what he is doing or not doing or I can choose to focus on myself and work the program as I understand it. It is too much to hang my happiness or my lack of it on my children. It is a burden I don't want either of them to carry and I won't carry theirs either.

We are free to work the program as much or as little as we choose. No one stands over us saying "get to it" or "why aren't you working it more?" It has been my experience, however, that the more I invest myself in doing program work, the less anxious and panic-y I feel and the more I see in my life to enjoy and to pleasantly experience regardless of my son's choice to work or to refuse to work a program. I don't talk about my son a lot or even think about him a lot when engaged in what I love doing or concentrating on what is mine to do. That isn't due to lack of love for him but it is the result of becoming aware, accepting and applying the truth that my worry isn't going to help him and it can kill me.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 7th of May 2014 09:12:11 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 7th of May 2014 09:18:40 PM

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

I think the meetings here are really good too. Reading Ala-Non literature is good. If you go to You Tube you can put in a topic in the search button - like AA, denial, detachment, etc. That has helped me a lot because those are real people dealing with the disease like all of us are. A book that I just finished is Getting Them Sober. The book is about us. I could see myself on almost every page. It is a book that I will read again and again. Face to face meetings and the steps will help too. I wish you the best and please keep us posted on how you are doing.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with neshema. You don't learn recovery so much as you do it and live it. Dive into Alanon full force with a sponsor, steps, and meetings. There is another site/group that I heard highly praised by mothers of addicts called theaddictsmom.com. Maybe check that out too.

Sunrise · Member

I've found that a change in my prayer can make all the difference. I used to pray (and sometimes still do) "God, PLEASE help me with _______" or "please show me how to deal with ______" or whatever - basically, "God, please HELP me!". My anxiety is much lower when instead of those prayers, I pray "God, Thank you for ALWAYS taking care of me." It reminds me that He is taking care of me and He will take care of me, and it puts my faith firmly in Him. No matter what happens around me with people or circumstances, I am safe in God's hands. "God, thank you for always taking care of me."

Gaby · Senior Member

Thank you all for everything. I seem to see myself live on my sons terms and not my own. I am angry hurt ashame and full of resent towards him. I'm sure he feels the same for himself. I love my son but I will not go down with him. I pray for myself and I pray for him. He has fallen and gotten back up and that happens to me too. But to be honest I am so tired of his falls. I did my job and raised him to the best of my ability. And I am not to blame for his disease. I have begged cried out and followed him before.. To have him stop and get help. But I have to leave all this to god. This is my sons journey not mine. I can't save him and I refuse to put myself through this all over again. I am working a program but maybe not full force. Thank you all. I need to focus on me.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

The promise you are making to yourself in your share to focus on yourself is a good one. Let us know what you are doing for you when you get a chance, Gaby, and how that promise to focus on you and your life is working for you. One thing my sponsor helped me do that I wasn't doing was choosing something fun to do just for me every day. That made and makes a world of difference for me. Maybe that suggestion that worked for me might work for you, too? It doesn't have to be a big thing. Just making an appointment with yourself to choose a song you really like to listen to all the way through is choosing something fun to do for your day.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

The worry and fear you have inside will not help him at all. I found when I was strong and helped myself I was better able to cope with my thoughts. Besides meetings and reading I started to go to the nail salon and get a pedicure and manicure every week. I did just one little thing for me. I made myself relax in the bath with candles on Saturday night after a great meal I made. Just these little things help and give you some relief from the obsession I had with my son. After a while it got better. I went to the store and bought all the stuff to make candles and I light them in the evenings to says my prayers for my son and all the addicted and families on MIP and Al-anon. Sometimes I will cry when making the candles but I feel I need to do this to have some peace.

Oh one more thing I did was put a rubber band around my wrist. When the obsessing became to much I would start snapping that rubber band on my wrist. It made me think of why I was doing what I was doing and correct it the best way I know at that moment.

My son always told me not to worry so I began not saying anything to him anymore. As far as he knew I just just fine and I was going to be OK with his lifestyle. But what he doesn't know I use Al-anon and MIP to get my fears and worry out. I'm not alone because I have so many people to help me. I will never again let my son know my feelings because it just hurts more in the long run for him and me.

Show him now strong you can be and set the example. He has the tools so let him have the dignity to choose if he wants to use them or not. It's a lesson he has to learn or nothing will ever change.

He is going to drug or he's not......what are you going to do.

(((( hugs ))))

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.