The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good morning. I have never really spoke with anyone regarding this, and the reason being is that I was in denial that my husband had a problem- he was very manipulating and convincing. We got married young and the binge drinking was portrayed as something "all college kids do". As time progressed, it was episodes of binge drinking about 4-6 months apart. Then a DUI.. which while he drank, his friend was driving his car.. not a full admission but this period followed by 4 years of sobriety and AA- it was magic. Then one day, "I am not an alcoholic, I don't belong in AA" and beers in the fridge followed by binge drinking episodes 4 months apart. I noticed my husband detaching and pulling away. He would come home smelling like alcohol but say that he just had one and drank a lot of water before driving. But he was not the same- just depressed, irritable, moody, sensitive, and detached. He finally said he was so depressed that he went to see a therapist. I don't know what he told the therapist (I am sure nothing about drinking)- he was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and told that he needs to take care of himself. So my husband came home and basically told me that he is stressed out over "our marriage" and the man that he can not be because "he lost feelings for me and feels guilty"- that he needs to move out. He moved out two weeks ago and.. on day two got his third DUI! The story? He had the flu (he was sick a few days before) and was sleeping in his car.. a victim of police bullying (sigh..) I received the police report, he refused the breathalyzer and admitted to the officers that he had a drink. He is telling his whole family that he was so sick, he does not remember what he said. So right now he got a lawyer and is trying to fight it. Meanwhile, a man that told me he grew apart from me and had no feelings is calling constantly and wants to come over to see me and my daughter. I tried to tell him to wake up and get sober- he gets upset that I think he is a drunk and I need to just accept that he left. This has been a horrible situation, I have no anger- but I have seen a loving man and father turn into someone unrecognizable. I don't know how to act toward him or what to say. His father is in AA and has been for 20 years and he has a hard time talking about this matter right now. He told me to look past his words and to accept him as a "sick man" and not get upset or emotional over his words- It would be helpful for me to hear a perspective of someone who walked in my husband's shoes- how does an alcoholic think?
Welcome to MIP. I cannot answer your question, but I can say that before my recovery in al anon, I spent more time worrying about my husbands thinking, than my own. Although difficult, practicing the 12 steps helped me to get my thinking, my behaviors and my whole being on the right track. Find al anon meetings in your area and attend because your life depends on it. Your husband will do what he does and you have no control. Remember the 3 c's: you did not cause his drinking, you cannot control, and you cannot cure. Keep coming back
Dear Mariana,Welcome to MIP. I'm glad you reached out and shared your inner pain. You are not alone and we who have lived or live with the disease of alcoholism understand as few others can. We too have watched a loved one seem to disappear and have struggled in an effort to find the right words and actions.
Al-Anon is a fellowship of people who have lived with this disease and have developed constructive tools to live by and to thrive. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and I urge you to seek them out. The main number is listed in the white pages. We believe that alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless. Changed attitudes, brought about by attendance at Al-Anon will enable us to be able to keep the focus on ourselves, live one day at a time and rediscover our needs and dreams.
I totally identify with an alcoholic telling me that his problems are because of "our marriage/relationship" because that is exactly where I am at right now. Thankfully I know that "I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it" - the 3Cs in al-anon. My own anxiety has been lessened by remembering that God is taking care of me no matter what my alcoholic says or does.
