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Hi, I am in need of some help, my son is in rehab, he has put it in gods hands and let go.mthe problem is I cant seen to do the same. Im so afraid hes going to relapse. I feel like I need to be in control of everything. Hes 26 years old and I feel like hes 10. How do I do this???????????
Welcome to MIP. Have you been attending local face to face meetings? I learned detachment there and in books like the 3 daily readers Courage to Change, Hope for Today, and One Day at a Time. Also a book that helped me when I first got to al-anon was "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, there are 4 volumes. Keep coming back and I am glad you found us. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hi there, the wonderful thing about this board is you will find people who are going thru exactly what you are. I am just began al-anon 4 months ago. I too have a 30 year old addict son who acts like he is about 12 years old. To say the least his life is not manageable. I have such fear for what he is doing with his life. Being in al-anon is saving me. I so not even close to being ok. But I see glimmers of hope. The other night in the online meeting someone said to me, fear is the opposite of faith. That hit me like a ton of bricks. In theory I know and understand only his higher power can save him. But the reality of me letting go of my desire to fix him is just about impossible. Just this morning I started wearing my watch on the wrong arm so that it would constantly be an aggregation to me. Every time I think about my watch being on the wrong arm it reminds me to "let go and let god" . I know this may sound stupid but so far today it has helped remind me (about 1000 x's) of the 3 c's. Stupid or not I am am desperate for some relief from the anxiety and worry. Please know you are not at all alone. Keep coming back.. I know it will help us both.
You have come to the right place. I too have a 36 year old son ( I feel 17 yrs old. ) that is a alcoholic. He is now sitting in jail waiting for a prison sentence. I am grateful because he would have killed himself or somebody else.
5 years ago March 6, 2009 is when it all started. I got involved. I enabled my son to death. I wanted to control...I wanted to fix him. I loved him so much I thought I was giving him the best and he was going to get well. Didn't happen..it just got worse.
I then found Al-anon and I started taking care of me. I stopped all enabling and let go of my son. It's was hard at first....I was crying on MIP and at meetings everyday. I hurt so much and felt to guilty I wasn't there for my son anymore.
But it got better one day at a time. I found I could let go and let God take care of him. I learned he can live without my interference. I gave him the dignity to make his own choices good or bad. I am going to let him pay the consequences for his actions. I'm not going to fix it anymore. I will instead take care of me and love him with kindness.
Bubba......listen to your son....listen to what he's telling you. He's not a child, he has a disease, he and only he can fix it. Mom will NEVER be able to cure it or control it.
Go to a Al-anon meeting....just give it a try. Tell your story and let others love you until you can love yourself.
Keep coming back because you are not alone...
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
My son is 35, living in a sober house for the 3rd time. Will it stick this time, will he choose recovery over everything else? Only God knows. I too had to let go. It was a long and painful process. I spent 4 years enabling him - buying him food, at times paying his rent and things only got worse.
I love him dearly and will not give up hope but I'll never treat him like a child again. He needs to learn from his mistakes and make his own choices.
Aloha Bubba...you've already got a lot of first time feedback...all of its good all of it is what saved my butt when I was where you are at now. I learned early on that Al-Anon was a simple program for complicated people and then I learned that I was complicated because I wasn't wanting something different and didn't know that was. I had to start from somewhere and that suggestion of face to face Al-Anon meetings is what eventually worked for me, cause in the rooms they know from experience. My son is 48 and has relapsed...he is back at 16 and I learned that the alcoholic and addict stop growing or maturing from when they first start using and drinking. No matter that information probably won't helps as much as "One day at a time"...live in the moment only; not in the past and not in tomorrow...just the now and use "Let go and Let God" at the moment also. We know that we "didn't cause this, cannot control it and won't ever be able to cure it" (3cees) so that introduces the need for a HP...a God of your own understanding that you can turn yourself and your son over to. He is off the umbilical cord and is making his own choices for himself not yours. If he has learned how to turn himself and the disease over to a Higher Power you might want to watch and listen to how that is done. Practice, Practice, Practice. ((((hugs))))
Hi. My son has relapsed multiple times since his late 20s. He's now in his late 30s. This is the good news to me. He's trying. Relapse isn't the worst of it to me. Not trying at all is the worst of it to me. Your son may or may not relapse. That's up to him and his HP. As a person who has been in Al-Anon since 1979, I have learned that if I awful-ize everything mentally before it has even happened, I'm relapsing and need to work my program harder and attend more meetings myself. Otherwise, the need to control in me can destroy even the most benign circumstances. Thanks to Al-Anon and MIP, I'm much more able to recognize my fear/control issues when they start surging in me and I can avoid trouble for myself by reaching out as you are doing now and working my own program daily. That helps me stay focused on the things I can change and my mind and body off what I can't change. Glad you're here. Keep coming back. The program does work if we work it and it does take time and continued maintenance to be at our best whether or not our kids keep drinking.
Thank you all.. im trying like crazy. I do love this new family I have found through alanon. I guess I probably expect to much in such a short time. Thats part of my problem I can see. Im the type of person that expects results right now, guess I need to slow down and learn to work the program. Thank you all
There is something in one of our readers that says: "Please grant me patience and HURRY!" You're not alone in you're expecting results right now. It took us a long time to get to the place where we recognized our need for help. It takes a long time to make the changes necessary for us to have a spiritual awakening and then we keep on going. Keep coming back.
