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Not sure if it's resentment or not but I'm not happy. I think I'm getting a little to close to my son's situation and it's giving me hurt. When I have a video chat with him at home he is not changing in my eyes. I can't see any hope he's going to change and that in its self makes my hopes for him disappear. I want so bad for him to get better it's making me resentful and pissed. Yeah it's only been what 7 weeks and he doesn't even know his fate yet but why can't he at least be a little more humble in his thinking.
He has always told me he will take care of me in my old age. I think about that and I know I need to make sure I will be OK because there is nobody that will take care of me....and I pray it's God's plan to just take me before my health is at the point I can't take care of myself. Many other things are popping up in my head and I'm trying to knock them down but they linger.
I have been reading ODAT on resentments. I'm trying to let go. I'm working on it ... I want it to go away.
I can't fix it, I can't make him happy and get better and it makes me MAD and sad. He doesn't want it!!!! He won't change!!! He's taking my life away!!! My feelings are all screwed up.
Hard to explain....
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Is this one of those expectation things, Cathy? My grandmother was close to 99 when she died. She'd smoked and drank for years and years and years. She outlived my mother who died at 69 and never put a cigarette in her mouth or an alcoholic beverage to her mouth. We don't know what the future holds and we can't predict what our loved one will do or not do. One thing I've learned about me and my son - what I want for him doesn't really matter. What he wants is what matters to him. The only power I have is in wanting what I want for me and looking for ways to gain it. And that doesn't mean I don't feel the sadness, the fear or the discouragement in relationship to his choices and the consequences either.
My son has never been the son I hoped to have but he has certainly been the son that he is. He'll probably never be able to take care of me when I get older and I know my HP will do for me what I cannot do for myself.
In my experience, the road to acceptance is bumpy with many twists and turns. Looks to me like you're on your way, sister.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 6th of May 2014 09:29:01 AM
cathy, i feel your pain. i am at the same place with my AS. he is not going to change. he will continue to drink. some days it's easier for me to have acceptance of this. some days it's more difficult. i try to look at him as the person he was before he started spiraling downhill. he's funny. he's smart. he's loyal to family and friends. he is a great person with a crappy, debilitating disease. i have no expectations that he will get better. but i certainly have not given up hope. for me it works better if i don't expect anything out of him. his is an adult and can live his life the way he chooses to live it. i may not agree but it's not my choice. hope you have a better day. deb
I was wondering about the expectation thing too .. my mom thinks I owe her to take care of her in her old age and the reality is .. I don't have the money or the desire even and that is probably a terrible thing to verbalize out loud .. in some way she always thought I was suppose to be responsible for her on some level and she didn't get the daughter she thought I should be .. well .. she sure wasn't the mom I thought she should be either. So we are on even ground in that area. Not meaning to sound cold or anything .. it just is more of what it is .. I really don't count on her being there for me either. I mean in an emotional sense .. she just can't be .. there is always something else that needs to be done around the house or she can't leave the cats .. lol. The excuses are endless.
I get caught up in thinking that if I just say the right thing or the right situation happens my stbax will see he really wants to get better .. and honestly I'm over wanting him back .. it's more about helllooo .. responsibility here .. children? I want for them to have the father they deserve instead of the one they got stuck with in this awful disease. I can't change that for them. It is what it is and I can stay stuck there and get angry that he's not meeting the he should be doing this .. he should be doing that issues .. I try and accept what he can give .. right now it's back to zero. He is where he is.
I can't change him .. and I won't be able to "make him see the light" .. he's got his own journey to take and his own journey to take .. I do know I'm not my children's obligation nor am I their higher power .. ditto for my stbax .. he's got to figure things out and maybe he will and maybe he won't .. it's just not about me and it's really not about the kids either.
It took a friends ex husband .. a LONG time to figure it out and I'm not completely convinced .. that's not my journey either .. I mean he was in and out of jail from his 20's and now is in his 50's .. he's out again and supposedly is sober. He hasn't made it a full year without drinking at this point either .. he's fallen down, gotten back up and I think that's just part of the journey for some people .. they have to fall down get back up .. fall down get back up and finally at some point they get to standing.
The one thing I have heard shared in AA meetings is the one's who finally did get it .. they got it because they had friends, family and loved one's who let them feel the full extent of consequences AND stood by them anyway .. they did not enable .. period.
You are doing the best you can and I think it's pretty dang good considering what has transpired over the past year and you are trying to love your son as well as stand by him .. maybe you are getting a little to close to the stove and yes, .. the stove is still hot.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
If only you would, if only you could, why can't you see what is ahead, how can you live this way, don't you care, where is your pride, you are failing yourself, you are breaking our hearts etc. All the things we think about our AS and sometimes even voice. Cathy every mother understands your thinking because we are all there and working sooooo hard on detaching.
Our sons probably do love us but... well they love alcohol or the escape it offers more. They do MEAN to make us proud of them but...they have to be themselves. And no matter how many pleas and sane advice we offer, they are going to be what they are going to be. Do I resent what he has become? You bet I do! But my resentment is only turning me bitter so I have to get over it.
My son has also said he would take care of us in our old age but I do not see that happening anytime. He is going to have to work hard to take care of himself. Looking around, I do not see very many children taking care of their parents these days. It is off to the home parents so I can get on with my life. My sisters and I nursed both mom and dad until they died at home- that is not going to happen for us. So we are making plans, buying extra health insurance and giving up on expectations. To be fair, we were in a much better place economically and emotionally than my son will ever be in.
So I now have no expectations of my son. I will love him forever but I will never depend on him for anything. And I am at peace with that after a long struggle. Still worry about him and he still drains much of the joy from my life, but I have accepted what he is and who he is and only he can change himself.
My son would promise me the earth and he means it at the time. In his heart at that moment he wants to and intends to..... but he cant. He is driven be different forces, God love him. He is driven by a strong desire or force within him, not to think or feel, its too much for him for some reason, he cant take the pain of a clear mind, clear thought processes. His guilt, lack of self worth, self loathing are too painfull and into the bargain he thinks these thoughts are permanent. So, the answer is drink or drugs and that is the number 1 priority. This is my opinion of whats going on with my son anyway. I expect nothing most of the time. You do to. Maybe the fact hes in prison has shaken your recovery a bit, it would be easy to think that now hes sober he will be getting better and this is the beginning of his recovery. It may be but it also might not. Either way, you know what to do and who to look at. Someone told me where theres life there is hope so there is always hope it just might not happen in your time or look like you imagine it to look.x
I think it's sadness for me more than anything, not really resentment over our son, when we have our children we have such high hopes and dreams of a happy joyous life for them, noone ever said to me when I held my precious curly blonde haired, dimpled brown eyed baby boy, he would have problems in his early teens with alchohol, and that would continue into his adult years and he would cause his self such ill health and the worry and despair we will suffer, will be off the scale at times, I am sad he hasn't learnt to drive yet, sad he has lost good jobs, sad he lets really good people down, sad that very rarely does he follow through with any promises he makes because he just can't seem to, sad that he always looks so ill and so dirty and so uncared for, sad that he is soon to become a father to a child that has no clue of the drama he is being born into, it just goes on and on, I came home from work today to find black smoke seeping through the door and he was fast asleep with food in the oven that was cremated, the house was filled with a hazy smog, the house could of gone up and he could of been killed, but it doesn't seem to bother him, this is not the life I thought I would be living either, but this is our life, and this is our son, you can't stop loving them though despite themselves, he is truly in gods hands, hugs Cathy xxxx
Thank you all......I have to remember I'm not alone in this. I feel so bad complaining when so many of you go through the sames exact stuff. But this too shall pass......
This disease sucks!!
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Cathy: I'm sure ALL of us complain, too, at different times and in different ways. We're in this together. More prayers for all mothers - most especially Betty today - and the coming days through Mother's Day, too. (((C)))
Your not alone.. My son relapsed possibly going to lose a good job and he is out there driving. I can only pray he does not hurt no one. I have to let god. This is taking my health. I am 40 and he is 22. He knows sobriety an he knows what it was like to live out there. But I have no control. But I love him.
I know I need to make sure I will be OK because there is nobody that will take care of me....and I pray it's God's plan to just take me before my health is at the point I can't take care of myself.
**************** SO right, my friend....we are on our own...sounds to me like u r letting go of expectations, things that you had wanted..hoped for and they are not coming......letting go can piss u off and then comes the grief and acceptance....
I am in the same boat....nobody but me to rely on....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
