The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been a long time since I have posted here. it's been about 3 years of working my program and getting healthier but all the while still avoiding some serious decisions about my marriage to the AH. We have been separated for almost 3 years, but not divorced--we have 2 beautiful kids which we parent together. When I try to analyze how I *feel* about him now ...I am just numb.
I have not seen him drunk since last summer. I do not know if he still drinks or not--I would assume yes, but at least he learned not to be around me drunk anymore. I am proud of his efforts really--and I know he has had a horrible struggle. But the trust is gone, despite how much I want him to be well.
I don't know...I feel it is time for closure and I just didn't expect to be so numb. I cried a little yesterday talking about it to a close friend. But I am not sure what the tears were about? Maybe just closure?
Anyway, I am just happy to be able to come hear and read. I know when the time is right it will be more clear what I should do--but I have been saying that for years now. It just doesn't seem right.
sookie: I can relate to when the feelings die...I was married before to an A who was sober but we lost that loving feeling. He is now out of my life after 3 years of marriage.
Hopefully you will find peace as you journey forward.
I relate to being separated and not divorced from my Ex, who by the way passed away last July from this disease.
After being separated for about 7 years, I did file for divorce that first 6 months we separated, but "We the People", the place where I filed was closed by
the USA government, a sign from the Universe, I think so.
I left it alone, because separating from him was a slow process, after all we were together 26 years.
Closure??? Is there such a thing...
I believe you should trust your instincts, there is no time limit on our growth and you will no when its time or not.
Most importantly is that you come here and read and take as much time as you need for your recovery.
Hugs, Bettina
While working your program, the right way for you will become more evident. I don't know if you have a sponsor, if not, that relationship will assist you in bringing to light any areas where your truths or untruths hiding are from your view. It is easier to make decisions when we know what is in the background running the show. Welcome back
Hi Sookie,
I remember you too. I come around here to read but not to post very much.
I am still married to the AH and he has been in AA for 14 years but we were already married 29 years before he got there. We had drifted apart during those 29 years. I saw things in him that I didn't like. After he gave up drinking I had lots of hope that I would get the feelings back. "When in doubt, don't" was my mantra because I was so in doubt.... do I want to stay married or not. Do I give him the chance to straighten out that alcoholic personality. Do I give him another chance? Do I even like him... much less love him? If we weren't married already would I marry the person in front of me? There is a question in an AlAnon book that says, "Do you know the difference between pity and love?" and I couldn't answer it... not sure I could right now unless you asked me the Webster's Dictionary versions.
So it has been 14 years that I have been in AlAnon and 14 years that he has been in AA. And we have been married since 1971 and we are still married. In that 14 years he had reasons (cancer treatment for 3 different cancers) to take pain medications and anxiety meds and sleeping aids and I could see all the work of the previous years slip away and see him get into that addictive personality that he had. But then he would go to more meetings and slowly stop the pills. He still keeps a stash of them just in case.
And my mantra still is "When in doubt, don't". And I know my feelings are still not that "lovin' feelin' " that I had during the first few years, and I can't honestly answer if I still love him. I do care about him. I don't want bad things for him. I want him to be happy and healthy. I do know that he shows his love for me much more than I show for him.... and I feel guilty about that.
I don't think about it too much. I work real hard to think about me, not him. I had too many years that no one was thinking about me, not him and not me. Now it is about me.
I was also told by wise AlAnoners that if you change your mind, no one will be able to talk you out of it. The doubt is there because someone can say something and make you think "maybe I shouldn't do this."
Welcome home Sookie...glad you brought it here so we can all grow from this. The post and replies are so supportive. For me Loss brings, sadness along with other feelings (which are not facts) and sadness brings tears for most normal people...you're normal. I relate to three years of separation cause that is what I/we did also and while we were separated I worked the program for all it was worth and sat at my sponsors knees and asked and listened and practiced, practiced, practiced. I also was encouraged by my sponsor to look out for and use all that I could find to help me make best decisions for me and I did that also. I refused to initiate the divorce when she asked me about it...leaving it up to her and she didn't. We relapsed together with each other once and as the disease is progressive we were progressively more toxic than when we separated. I learned about love (the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are) in the program and then by this came to love my alcoholic/addict wife for exactly who she was while doing that with myself and all others. In learning to love myself I came to accept myself the good the bad the ugly and the things I could change in me (ugly is hardest...lol). I came to love my alcoholic/addict and found I had no reason to be married to her. You don't marry everyone you love...you can try however remember the definition of insanity before doing it. My feelings grew for my alcoholic/addict wife tremendously and by chance I met her in a Target Store just before HP called me home to Hawaii. When we saw each other it was pure love drama and we hugged and kissed and the embrace was awesome and neither of us felt the need to be hanging on and married. What we loved most was that we had survived this terrible fatal disease together and apart and were elated about it. It almost killed us both. Love is the complete and total ....acceptance. God loves me that way...HP accepts me just as I am and always has and so I had the example and mentor to learn from who supports me daily. I might not want to accept and be around behaviors which disturb me nor display behaviors which disturb others. My relationship with my current wife is about being reprogrammed We are both Al-Anon members and I am doubled. There are times when we best be apart and never a time when we are justified in being unloving with each other, ourselves or others around us. Unconditional acceptance; two very important words that when married together become very very powerful. My sponsor taught me that "feelings are choices" which I have discovered for me is true...I can change feelings any time I want depending on my needs. I need to be serene and sane and sober. If I use gratitude for the good stuff and compassion and empathy and understanding for the not-so-good along with all the other lessons inside the rooms and here at MIP not being in love is impossible. I'm mired in it!!! Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
My sponsor lived with his girlfriend for 15 years. They had 2 children together. During that time she slept with many other men including their church pastor (Who later killed himself.)
One time my sponsor came home to find her in bed with a man and my sponsor grabbed the guy by the throat and almost killed him.
My sponsor said to his sponsor, I can't stand it anymore. She comes home and I don't know who she's been with or what she's been doing. She makes me sick. I've left her many times but I always go back. I can't seem to stay away or resolve this.
My sponsor's sponsor said, "Marry her."
My sponsor said, "WHAT? you want me to reward her behavior and get closer to her after what she does??!!"
Nonetheless my sponsor followed his sponsors advice and married her after 15 years of this degrading, fearful hell.
A month later they separated and divorced. My sponsor moved out for the last time with no hesitation or anger because he had accepted her exactly as she was.
They never got back together and he finally moved on Effortlessly.
She died about 10 years later...her disease drove her crazy. My sponsor is 73 now and is still in the rooms of AA and Alanon working for God, living in a nice condo on the beach with all his emotional and other needs met.
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Tuesday 6th of May 2014 08:30:33 AM
Yes Closure is possible, but like all other processes in the program we must be willing..for it to happen (there is a major difference in any task in wanting vs willing). For me, it was not a question of being divorced, it was a question of "were we married?" The answer for me was no. One thing I learned is I can not be married by myself. I could also not fool myself any longer, while I missed what "should have been" I never once missed the life as it was (living with an alcoholic).
I also knew that the "vow" was not "till death do us part" the vow was "love, honor and cherish" and quite frankly I did not love, and nowhere near honor nor cherish" the man I was legally married to. When I became honest about that, I had to accept the fact that my vow was broken (like it or not) at that point, staying legally bound was moot. I had married a man incapable of honoring commitments, I had been focused on his potential rather than him as he was. I had given my best effort and "love was not enough". The death of the relationship had happened, all I was doing was refusing to have the funeral and by doing so had placed my future, and my current life in limbo. I was existing on hold. I decided to LIVE and let live. . Best move I ever made. Had I remained, I would have only prolonged agony..He had long been diagnosed a chronic alcoholic (never had an interest in seeking recovery, though he had been often approached and encouraged by many) & died a drunk at age 39. After some years on my own, I remarried a non-a, and lead a happy, full life..I have no regrets, except for having stayed in limbo too long (but with time I have even learned to let that one go :) ).
__________________
IF you can not be a good example; then you will just have to be a horrible warning
