The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Here's a lesson in not trying to predict outcomes!
I mentioned that A appears to be really crashing and burning in the real world and that I am just letting the crisis happen and doing what I need to for my girl and myself including job-hunting, house-hunting etc. I'm trying to make REAL choices and take REAL action because, well, it's time.
Anyway I have a health issue that flares up occasionally and it's best managed by staying un-stressed, eating right, sleeping well and all of the usual healthy stuff, otherwise I can end up a bit of a wreck. So on Thursday night it became apparent that it was starting to flare up which is awful timing because I need to be DOING things right now, but anyway I figured I just have to accept it as it is and be sensible, and I told A (who took several weeks off work back when I was first being tested etc as he was "so worried" and "needed to be there for me" and used the time to play computer games and drink while I managed everything single-handedly, lol, literally as I had lost complete use of one arm at the time. I remember being horrified at the way he cashed in on my misfortune and then refused to lift a finger; now it is just par for the course). Anyway I told him that I need to rest a bit and avoid stress so that I can get myself back to full health. A foolish disclosure of course, but I was feeling weak and dizzy and not doing my best thinking It was a significant slip on my behalf really. I don't know what I expected and I really need to examine my motives for telling him.
So at 3am I asked him (nicely) to keep the noise down as I was trying to sleep and he became enraged and the next day didn't go to work, claiming it was because I "upset him so much". Pfft, whatever. This didn't rattle me much, I realised it had been very silly to tell him I was feeling unwell and I kept to myself all weekend trying to do the next right thing and be in a good frame of mind. Then today being Monday, daughter woke up sick and miserable, coughing horribly and in no state for school. So I got cozy on the couch with her and we both dozed off in front of the TV. (Just what the doctor ordered for both of us in my opinion). Next I knew A was shaking me awake in a panic- "what am I supposed to do? If I go to work they will fire me. I need an excuse for not going! What can I say?" I had little response to this. Not my issue. He went on and on for a long time as if it was the biggest trauma he has ever experienced (I didn't go to work and now I'll be in trouble) and then he sat down at his computer and started researching illnesses. He wanted one that would "get him out of work today as well" and he started out with laryngitis (to explain why he didn't call in sick) and he immediately began talking in a husky voice, but after a while he decided on throat cancer instead and went to the doctor with his new husky voice to get a referral to a specialist and a medical certificate for his job. OK, not my issue again although it did remind me of a friend at university who called her lecturer and said that she hadn't completed an assignment because she had broken her leg, and then had to hire crutches and plaster her own leg and walk around uni like that for the next 6 weeks lol!! I kept my mouth shut in any event.
But somewhere along the way he decided that his story is reality and is now moping around making sad eyes at me and telling me how scared he is because he has cancer and I am not doing whatever it is that I'm supposed to do for him, and smoking and drinking away his troubles. Seeing how quickly he can create a reality out of nothing is quite humbling; there's no way I can reason with or make sense of that! He's really truly going to run with this story and expect me to forget about the morning he spent trying to enlist my help to fabricate a believable illness. So now I get to be the nasty cow who left him during his cancer-scare. So anyway, it doesn't matter what he does, really but really, you think you've stepped off the crazy-train and then it just comes rolling up to you and starts tooting at you, "jump on! come on!"
Work my program, do the next right thing, be careful with my own health, stick to the plan to get out of crazy-town, and don't buy into the latest round of insanity. Have I left anything out?
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Monday 5th of May 2014 11:24:21 AM
Wow Melly, he sounds as crazy as it gets. Do you not feel scared living with him? I know that sounds obvious, you must be scared. Hes telling you clearly who he is, please believe him. Manic behavior terrifies me, its unpredictable and can be dangerous. Is there a quicker way to get out?
PS, a doctor may be a good idea for him, it sounds like he has lost touch with reality.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Monday 5th of May 2014 12:13:42 PM
LOL, I love it and remember when I had ovarian cancer and thought the exAH would be able to help take care of me and things, well that was when my first layer of denial was sloughed off and I had a real look at how sick he was. It is good to know who you can and can't rely on isn't it. Take care of you! Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Funny and strange but also worrying. People who make up their own reality are unpredictable. And there are so many ways our perspective becomes distorted by living in CrazyTown. What I notice is that in each case the blame comes back to you. You asked him to keep it down at night (totally reasonable), and now he's not going to work and he blames it on you. And then he makes up an illness and you don't jump to it catering to his "illness" and so he blames you. In every case it ends in blame and anger towards you. Even (especially) when it has absolutely zero to do with you, as in these cases. That is a dangerous situation. I hope you won't underestimate the threat. Do you have a fast way to get out of there, and stuff stashed away to whisk away with you? Or I'd hate to think that he'd suddenly decide on some terrible reality while you were sleeping. Any chance you can get into a new place to live sooner than planned?
I know this is just an illustration of life in CrazyTown, but it looks to me as if CrazyTown is having a carnival these days.
Wow! I love your sense of humor and admire your decision to try and make a better life for you and your daughter. I read your other post about the little house. I understand. Home is where the heart is. I left a huge house...a fixer upper...but still big...and left my AH to move into an apartment around 850 sq feet. And it's great! Easy to clean. I might lose my house. But my sanity is more important. So is your's! My AH had a very hard time working his regular work schedule. Took unnecessary days off all the time. He never made up a story like your A did..but he told me when he was a kid he had a cold and was convinced he would get cancer and die. I don't think this is normal for a child to think that way. Your story reminded me of this cold story. Oh, BtW if you didn't read my recent post...my AH was fired from his job recently. I am convinced alcohol played an indirect role in his job loss. I doubt if he will find a job anytime soon. :(
Melly ((((((hugs))))))))
I read your story and relate so much.
Like you, occasionally I question my own thinking when I ask that AH shows some consideration because I'm under the weather or have a lot on my plate. I recognise that asking for consideration is, in effect, pointing out the most direct route to my vulnerabilities. This is wrong! What on earth are we questioning ourselves for?!!!! We are asking for something very reasonable I think. I'm aware that sometimes I'm testing the waters but to be honest, I'm not sure if there is anything that unreasonable about that. The response that we expect is not reasonable at all.
Sometimes I feel as though I'm pleased with myself for surviving the crazy behaviour, that it is clever of me to know how to ride out those tantrums. But actually, reading your post, I question the merit of it all and wonder if we are really surviving.
Have you still got that lovely little beach house on the horizon?
On another note - I hope that you are finding some peace and rest and that your health picks up very soon.
Love you to bits Melly, take care of you.
Melly, I know that for me, I became so used to living in chaos, it was almost like I was addicted to it. You write in a brilliant and descriptive way. Most of us, I think are afraid for you because of how insane, insensitive, violent, and unpredictable your ABF is and also you have a child living there. You describe it in a detached way, which is progress over being totally wrapped up in it, on the other hand, it sounds like detachment with minimizing going on. It helped me to envision myself in a life without chaos. For a while even after leaving the my ex-A, I made chaos and problems and hardships for myself because I was used to it. I also know from your stories of your family of origin, you grew up in a highly chaotic household. It's challenging to embrace serenity, simplicity, but also take actions that take care of you and your child and make you less dependent on others (especially damaged others). I hope you continue with enough alanon so that you will recognize true peace when it comes and not embrace hardship and chaos in the future. Yeah, we can sort of get used to crazy chaotic surroundings and behaviors of other people and detach personally, but at the end of the day, you don't have to.
You are already looking at apartments and jobs and learning how to drive. You NEVER EVER have to settle for or "get used to" even "detach" from this level of insanity again. You are capable, smart, and this is completely unacceptable. Your ABF is really treading the line on belonging in jail/mental hospital. I personally think he should be there now and can't understand why this has not happened yet. He's hitting random coworkers and indulging in psychotic delusions with regular outbursts of verbal abuse to you and is an end stage alcoholic. You sound like you are worried about hearing about "leaving him during his cancer bout." Like you are laughing at how silly it is. It's not silly. It's scary and it's setting the stage for some even worse drama when you actually do have to pack up and leave. I'm concerned he is staying home all the time knowing you are about to leave to literally keep you prisoner. Over periods of time, A's (and violent men) make it so you feel embarrassed, stop making friends, rarely leave the house, and have no self-esteem. All this keeps you trapped. I am scared for you and don't want you to do this on your own.
Do you have a sponsor? Who can come help you move? Have you seen a domestic violence counselor? I might seriously consider leaving in the middle of the night while he is passed out. BUT - I am concerned he will find you and then you will be posting another story about how crazy it is that he got into your new house, blaming you for all your problems, but he had nowhere else to go and wont leave and how insane it is but you know it's not your fault, but are putting up with it anyhow or something worse.
Keep other's involved and reach out for help Melly. We aren't judging you. Let me say again - NOT JUDGING YOU. We are scared for you and want you to keep making positive changes and following through and not looking back but forward to a healthy future. You have done so much work. I can literally envision you driving to your future job. Making good money, taking your daughter on trips and so forth. Freedom and no suffering like this the way you have unfortunately gotten used to.
Please work on a safe exit plan and plans for what if he continues to come around. It may require getting police involved.
P.S. - Melly, I called 911 when my ex-A overdosed on my medications while plastered drunk, the police came and almost had to taser him to strap him to the gurney while he cussed me out. I rushed to the hospital to see him and he cussed me out some more and gave me the finger intermittently while getting his stomach pumped. I went to visit him and cried in the parking lot of the hospital daily while he was locked up in the looney bin. He stirred up so much BS while there and checked himself out as soon as he could. I brought him cigarettes and paid for everything while he was there. It took about 2 weeks for him to start drinking again when he came home. It got insane again like that and I left. So - Again. I am not judging you. I went there and rode that train in many ways. I can't believe that was my life now and I know you can do this too.
I remember you telling me a similar thing a while ago about my son Pinkchip. Its so true, I compared one crazy abusive time with another and that allowed me to minimise because I thought well hes, its been worse. I remember listening to peoples reactions of shock when I told them what I was living with and I thought, why are they acting as if this is serious, maybe ive expained it wrong or ive left something out of my story. This allowed me to disregard the views of the normal world. Dont minimise if you can help it, its denial and its dangerous. Hes mad and that takes away any guesswork or going on past experience. Im not sure there are any tools in the world that will help you live with him melly.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Tuesday 6th of May 2014 12:03:24 PM
Melly, I'm new here and I don't know you well, but I've been impressed already with how resilient and graceful you are with your situation with your A.
I wanted to add my concern about your safety at this particular time. You've described him lashing out, possibly losing his job, facing eviction. All of these things are massive stressors. You are about to move out, as well. If he was firing on all cylinders, it would be hard enough for him to cope. He clearly isn't coping. If he is serious about you not taking his "cancer" seriously, that's a sign that he may be blurring fantasy and reality. It's also such a ridiculous story, and one he himself fabricated less than 24 hours ago. I am sorry you aren't well, but please consider getting out of there sooner, rather than later. Can you go with friends for the last week or so before you move into your new house (wherever that is)? Is there any chance the letting agent would let you advance the move?
If he can rationalise his "cancer" as a viable excuse, then believe it, then start in on you for not being adequately supportive... my concern is that he can rationalise anything at that point, and the bad guy in his scenarios seems to be you. He has already shown he has poor control, very confused thinking and is comfortable with physical violence against another person.
On the positive side, leaving sooner means it that you'll be able to rest and heal more fully in a peaceful, safe, sane environment.
Clearly, I'm on the other side of the world and I've no idea what it's like on the ground where you are, but please think about what I've said. I'd rather you be safe and sound and laughing at my presumptuousness and overcaution than to not voice this concern.
It was a significant slip on my behalf really. I don't know what I expected and I really need to examine my motives for telling him.
