The material presented
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I wanted to give an update. And mention something I was afraid to mention before. But I am tired of being afraid to talk about the horrible things I have dealt with these last few months. I can be subtle without mentioning details and I think it's ok to do this so I can start to heal. My AH and I were coworkers. We met at work and have worked together for the last 8 years...although not on the same shift. He was fired 2 months ago. Then I moved out. I have learned that I cannot read my coworkers' minds. But I know some of them think I moved out because he was fired. This is not the case. I cannot stress this enough: I don't advise marrying a coworker! Lol. I want to scream when they say how much he needs me now. Some of them know I have had to leave work in the past because he was drunk while taking care of my daughter. He has told some people he has a drinking problem. Talk about awkward. I have mixed feelings about him being fired. I can't go into details but I think what got him fired was the icing on the cake. an alcoholic mind does not think correctly. Alcohol will destroy lives. I continue to go to work no matter what people think. I spoke to our chaplain yesterday about a work issue and my marriage. It was nice to let it out. One interesting thing she told me was to focus on what I know...not on what I don't know. And what we know isn't actually a whole lot. Lol. Her point was that our minds tend to make up stories about the unknown. Then I spin those stories into fear and panic. I am learning that i have to be careful who I talk to. And it is ok to tell my coworkers I am going through a lot and I cant discuss my personal life. I am a nurse and I have to stop beating myself up! I am doing ok being separated. I have family and friends who help me. I have AlAnon. I have my sponsor. I have God. I am ok without a partner. I need to heal. I need to stop worrying about what other people might be thinking at work. I am seeing my AH do the same things he has always done that drive me crazy. Nothing much is changing. He thinks he is done drinking for sure this time. And it's only been 2 weeks since he was in the hospital for drinking too much. I have learned to listen to him then go about my day not hoping for anything new from him. Otherwise i will be depressed again. I am slowly understanding the power al anon has given me. I am so glad I have found this board, too. Thanks for listening!!
I think your chaplain, who sounds pretty wise, just explained about False Evidence Appearing Real. I know I can get myself whipped up into a frenzy quickly by making assumptions and following them all down the worst-case path until I am panicking. Then I have to repeat to myself that I am stuck in FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real. Sometimes I take the situation apart and figure out which things are real, and which things are just my imagination/assumptions, and other times, I just try to lay the whole deal down and give it to HP.
It's hard working in a caregiving industry when something like this happens, I would think. Everybody thinks you should be compassionate. And they are right, they just don't understand what compassion means under all circumstances. being compassionate with an alcoholic can be very different than being compassionate with a normal person. Being compassionate with an alcoholic means letting him find his bottom so he can wake up.
It sounds like you have good awareness going based on your last few sentences. Keep that up! I think you will do great!
Dear Newlifegirl thank you for the update and your honesty. I'm glad that you connected and that you have found the benefit of Al-Anon face-to-face meetings as well as sharing on this board.
This is indeed a "We" program that must be lived one day at a time.
Thank you for your reply Kenny. I was just writing a response before I read what you wrote about how I was getting worried that nobody had replied yet to what I revealed about my life. I am so sensitive, even on a computer!! Lol. I sometimes get worried posting things on the internet, but I think this site can be useful for my recovery.
You are so right about how compassion to an alcoholic is so different than a normal person. He hasn't worked in 4 months now. I am working on not future tripping. We could lose our house. I moved out because my sanity was more important to me than money or my house. He is a big boy and knows how to find a job. He knows what to do to be sober. I gave him many warnings in the past that I couldn't live with drinking...so it wasn't like he got fired so I left. In fact he got fired after I left. It's so awkward going to work but I try to hold my head up high and focus on my job. I usually feel like I have to reply to people when they ask how he is, but even that question can be so painful. If they only knew!! I usually say he is ok and go ahead and give him a call if you want. Ugh
Thank you so much for sharing your story here. Your chaplain's advice especially - I'm so often inclined to try to imagine what could go wrong, how I would react and also to fill in the blanks about AH's behaviour over the past six years - now I have your gift of a short instruction, to focus on what I know that is doable and I think it will be constructive. I really appreciate it.
So many of the things that have helped in my relationship with AH have been counterintuitive. I have found it difficult to make the adjustment even though I know what works - I've always taken pleasure and I guess a bit of pride in my being considerate of others and sometimes I find it undermining to be dishing out tough love. But it is what it is! Hey ho!! As someone in a caring profession I can imagine that it is difficult for you as well. And also difficult for your colleagues to understand for the same reasons. This is such a confounding disease. Wouldn't it be marvellous if there was more education about living alongside addiction - not hugely in-depth, but at least a glimmer of awareness. As you say, if only they knew!
