The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Alone with thoughts is a bad place to be - thoughts on my marriage to my AH - if you can call it that. There is no touch between us , there is NO trust in him, can't remember the last time something kind was said to me, and I am so sad. Trying to focus on kids and me but with 2 young kids its hard to not be around AH too. Since he's "in control" of his drinking he's trying to be a parent now, 6 years too late, and he just succeeds in making a situation worse, many times the 6 year old shows more maturity than his dad. I can't leave the kids with him for their safety!
His control he says he has pisses me off!! If it was so easy to control it why spend the majority of the last 6 years drunk, continuing to treat us that way. And this control has slips - which according to him should be expected- and he's still sneaking the whiskey. And lying about anything and everything, things that really wouldn't matter, it just seems natural to lie. An alanon member suggested it was the way I presented the question , maybe accusing, so he got defensive then lied. At times yes can see that but not daily. Seems there's always a way to turn his behavior/reactions back to me, not having him take any responsibility. It's the disease, he's sick , he doesn't realize. At what point does he have to bear some responsibility? And since he says he doesn't remember what he's said/done to me in past that its over, I should be over it.
Sorry for the rant, just in bad place tonight not seeing hope for happiness - either with staying or not - separating would bring so many more stressors mainly on visitation. Stuck at in laws (who drink and are over bearing and opinionated about most things I do) - sorry I don't allow my son cake for breakfast as he's already active- no haven't lost all my baby weight thanks so much for noticing - aaahhhh perhaps now tomorrow I can paste on the fake smile without going postal
(((Hugs))), that sounds so familiar... I don't know if you've read Getting Them Sober, it's a great little book that really helped me since I had nobody to talk to. Keep coming back here and f2f meetings if you can make them, there's always hope for you and your children's recovery. You're worth it;)
Oh so many familiar questions - I can really relate to what you are going through. Getting Them Sober helped me a lot - it was such a relief to read someone else's words describing so many things that I recognised and that helped me to stop taking AH's bad words and thoughts personally.
To be honest with myself, I still ask so many of your questions and I still wish that I could be the one to 'make my husband happy.' So far I've learnt that my life is better when I accept that it is AH's choice if he wants to drink or lie. He will do what he will do - I kind of equate it with living with a wild stallion and my being in the role of a horse whisperer. When I'm calm and not controlling then that frightened beastie has less to buck against. When I try to get a horse to do handstands I get verbal bruising!! I guess that what I'm saying is that when I stopped taking responsibility for AH's behaviour and when I dropped any expectations about how he should behave my life improved and it rather magically made it easier for AH to take responsibility for himself. So counter intuitive at the time but it worked for me.
There is, I believe, always hope for happiness. At the moment I'm trying to figure out some alternative views of it that are not reliant on other people's behaviour..
My life could be yours except add one more young kid.
I have learned if AH wants to hang out with the family that is OK but I will not accept be drunk around us.
I don't expect anything from my AH. I just go on with my life. I figure it is his loss but I doubt if he is capable of thinking of anyone else. I refuse not to live my life anymore. I have isolated myself for too long.
I can't financial get rid of him but I can go on and he will need to find someone else to feed his ego.
I know I will not have a trusting non lying relationship but I am not going to let it stop me from enjoying every minute of my life.
In other words I am so tired of looking at my life and seeing everything I don't have. This is a waste of my time. I am going to start seeing everything I want or need in my life.
The AH is not capable of anything but it doesn't mean I stay stuck in this frame of mind.. go out and enjoy life so you at least do not regret having a life!!!!
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I have hope that my next minute will be better and to learn from my last minute.
Kerry if your kids aren't safe with him then there is no waiting for things to get better or him to wake up or even you waking up. You need to act for your kids. Your happiness the kide safety can't be in the hands of an alcoholic.
I have enjoyed Getting Them Sober very much and need to currently re-read it. These are definitely books that the have helped me a great deal. The other one that has helped me understand Alanon a great deal more is How Alanon Works .. I'm currently doing a book study on it with my Friday night Alanon group and the way it is written it just floors me how long I have stayed so miserable .. and if I really get honest with myself .. by my choice.
Like others have said I can so relate to your post and I have two children when I started the program they were 11 and 6 .. how I can so relate to the safety issue .. my stbax .. was so checked out and always sleeping instead of engaging. I'm not going to say that things have been easier since I left .. they have been harder in many ways .. I am sooo grateful for the program .. these boards and another board I belong to .. they get me thinking and get me processing through things that I need to deal with that have actually little to do with my stbax. I am much happier and I'm living instead of existing and that makes a tremendous difference in my life.
If you can get to a meeting I really encourage you to .. I fought the idea big time and there was never any time .. why would I want to go and hear a bunch of crazy people who are just sitting around feeling sorry for themselves .. I have nothing in common with them .. LOL .. yah right! I even had the same excuse as the A .. LOL .. these are not my people .. ummm .. hmm .. well after just deciding that the pain far outweighed the fear, the excuses and so on .. I went .. and I found my people .. LOL. And yes .. they understood and I understood them as well.
Working with my sponsor has helped a great deal although I'm 2 years into a crazy divorce situation .. I keep my humor and my sanity regardless of what the STBAX is doing or not. Usually it's finding a way to screw things up .. that's not on me. He gets smacked pretty hard during those times as well.
Hugs friend, .. please keep coming back .. S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hi, Kerry: Thanks for your honest share. I can certainly understand the anger, frustration, and hurt you are expressing here. Hanging out with people who drink and pick at you while you take care of the children alone is more than difficult in my experience. I'm glad you're here sharing what is going on with you right now. Sending lots of encouragement, support and understanding your way for today. I hope you can find a little bit of time to do something fun for just you - even it that fun is as simple as looking in a mirror and telling yourself you love yourself just the way you are! Why folks tend to pick on outside stuff that means nothing - I'll never know. Knowing that you chose to risk your life in childbirth to bring a new little gift of God's love to life into the world is a reason to celebrate. Your body looks like it looks and it is perfect for you today! It helps you do everything you need to do to take care of you and those little ones. (((KM)))
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 4th of May 2014 09:46:22 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 4th of May 2014 10:06:56 AM
Hi kerrymom. I agree with everyone about the Getting them Sober books. I have them on my nook. They will help you understand what an alcoholic is. I left my marriage 2 months ago. My AH and I have one daughter together. I was worried about visitation too. But, with the guidance of my sponsor and having trust in my HP everything is going ok! I have learned to give my AH rules on when and if he can see our daughter. We have to protect these kids! We are the sober ones who remember the crazy behavior these A's put us through. It's easier for them to say its in the past because they don't remember most of what they say and do in their drunken state. My AH has slept way too much while supposedly watching our daughter when I was working. Whether he was drunk or not, he slept all the time. Blamed it on working night shift for many years. I got fed up and left. For my own sanity and my daughters'. I have two older daughters that are glad I left too. Try to read as much as you can and think about all the help you could probably get from friends if you chose to leave. It's ok to ask people for help.
I read 1 of these books and for me it was good to read my experience of alcoholism written in black and white. However, it was in alanon I got real tools that help me recover from the effects.
