The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of the things I appreciate on this board has to do with the lack of one up-man-ship that can often happen and does happen in some relationships and groups. Although I do see it on occasion - it is not the norm. Perhaps sharing our experience, strength and hope without correcting others or trying to "top them" or thinking "his/her approach is wrong" and "mine is right" or refusing to word things to assist a selfish motivation to put others down and ourselves up aids in avoiding what is subtle violence in relating?
I don't know about you, but it has been my experience that subtle violence can be much more damaging to a person than physical violence at times. It can also be the catalyst to physical violence in some persons.
I want to express my gratitude for this being a safe place to share our experience, strength, hope and viewpoints most of the time. Just like alcohol, I can't tolerate subtle violence for long if at all. I so appreciate the willingness so many folks show in allowing others their own thoughts, feelings and behaviors without subtly downing them. That is so healing in my experience. Thank you.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 3rd of May 2014 10:23:28 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 3rd of May 2014 05:23:42 PM
That was a great share grateful. Very beautiful. Those words went straight to my core. It is a great reminder that if I experience that to walk away because their are others out there that do not and I feel more aligned with those people. God Bless and (((hugs))).
I cant think of a time where ive read a post where someone is putting another person down. I think we are a group of damaged people and im sure noone would delibrately behave this way, if they are even aware of it. It may be useful to privately take this up with the person or people because im sure that if I was coming across this way I would want to know and would appreciate the honesty. in my own experience of working the steps, im at the start really and I am facing up to lots of defects of character, and many of these are due to surviving alcoholism, we are all in this boat so a quiet word with the person will likely help their growth.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 3rd of May 2014 11:22:29 AM
I find your posts and replies delightful and so full of humility and compassion, you have a wonderful way of expressing your thoughts and feelings and I learn so much from you.
It's great to have this safe haven for all of us and those that find us. MIP is a gift and blessing plain and simple. The closeness and honesty here you can't find on most sites so it continues to be the go to place for ESH and the courage to move forward. No one up needed and it's shown here everyday it doesn't happen.
Thank you for your share my friend....
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
As always Grateful, such a well placed and beautifully expressed thought.
I agree with El-cee, we come here to learn and are I'm so very appreciative of this being such a safe environment. We learn from the honesty of others.
Oh Grateful, this is such a wonderful, timely share for me today. Thank you for posting it. It actually directly answered a prayer/question/rumination/obsession that I have, which has come to a head for me. I was thinking to myself, I wish I had someone to shadow me for a day during this interaction I'm having with someone right now, and that they could give me objective feedback as to where this disconnect and discomfort was happening for me with these interactions with this one particular person. I don't want to pin it all on them OR me, and "well we just don't get along" isn't really very helpful to me. I want to know why so that I can either improve my half of it, or know what exactly to avoid in the future. I think it's this insidious, subtle violence that's doing it. It was so subtle I couldn't see it (plus my own fog, of course).
I DO belong to other online groups of what must be damaged people, and they DO engage in subtle violence. They don't have any twelve step programs for the most part, or any kind of codependency recovery. There are so many attempts to control, so much attempt to 'fix' the OP and his/her problem, a lot of subtle aggression masquerading as hurt feelings. I find I can't really go to those places much any more. This is the first place I have come to that is overwhelmingly full of grace and helpful posts.
I agree Catherine Having the ability to share our inner thoughts, experiences and dreams without fear of judgment or criticism is a powerful recovery tool. Being willing to abide by a few simple traditions of courtesy and respect works wonders.
I agree that being subject to oneupmanship is an assault on our inner selves.
I am grateful for this Board and all our MIP family
And I'm grateful for all of you! My week has been an up and down experience, but one constant has been the ability to come to this board and experience genuine peace and the stirrings of growth on many levels and in many ways by the folks who make this message board a haven from the storms of our lives and a way to learn how to give and to receive lovingkindness (and for me - the gift of joy/laughter, too) in a humble, honest and real way.
I agree Catherine. I came here a few months ago looking for a place I could vent about my AW without upsetting her new recovery. I found people who were willing to sympathetically listen while I processed, and while doing that they snuck in a new way of living my life! During couples therapy the other night the changes that I have made as a result of this forum and f2f Alanon were gratefully acknowledged by my wife. That moment was incredible, we have been going to counseling off and on for years, it was part of the reason my wife started self-medicating leading into alcoholism.
But with her recovery underway, and the patient folks in this forum and my meetings helping me in my recovery, we are getting along better than we have in a long time!
Thank you everyone so much! I will keep coming back because I need to and because I hope I can giveback in any small way.
Peace
Kenny
-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Saturday 3rd of May 2014 11:24:05 PM
Oh, Kenny! That is such good news! Wow! To be affirmed for the changes you have made by working your program by your wife is a double testament to the power of using it. Thank you so much for sharing your good news and sharing a new picture of the sweet, sweet face of your humble, loving friend.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 3rd of May 2014 11:25:22 PM
