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So, things with my AH are awful right now. Neither one of us is filing but I think one of us should just jump in and do it. We hate each other, there is no communication and he blames me because I don't like having conversations with him. He knows why, it's been made clear. He's been told how to find recovery, he knows he needs to work on himself but he's expecting instant reconciliation with me and a roll in the hay. Time keeps ticking and we get further and further apart from each other.
With that said, next weekend is going to be stressful because 1: it's my birthday, 2; it's Mother's Day, and 3. Our wedding anniversary is the 13th.
Here's where I need ESH: how do I handle these things with him? He is barely speaking to me. This AM when I left to take my car to the shop, he just nods and says, "Umm, humm" whenever I tell him anything. Then, I get home and my 15 year old is like, "Hey, where is everybody? I woke up and nobody's home?" "Didn't dad tell you he was leaving to go somewhere?" "No, but I knew where you were mom." That's how communication in our house is working lately.
I want to just send him an email but I can't seem to get the wording right. I want to tell him we'll suffer through a family dinner on Saturday and that I just need a new hand mixer so that can be my only present. I want to tell him that we can just do a card for the anniversary and if he's agreeable to all this then he doesn't need to respond. If he wants to see something different happen, he can put forth his own proposal. So, how do I word it?
Sorry, my ESH would be to have zero expectation. If you send him an email or letter, you have already set yourself up for expectations. If things are that bad in the house, there just cant be any expectation that AH is going to follow through with anything.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. When active, my AW and my communications were also in the toilet. My AW had to hit bottom to get to a point where she chose recovery, and I had to hit bottom to get to the point where I could actually go into my own recovery and come out of decades of being closed off and uncommunicative (that was my part). I didn't cause, couldn't cure, and couldn't control her drinking, but I still had my part. Oh, did I have my part!
Whenever I asked AW for anything, that set her up for failure. And she was so used to failure, and the shame that came from it, that she would just automatically fail. And then blame me for setting the expectation. It just wasn't worth it to me to keep up that cycle.
I got to the point where I just did everything. I had no expectation of her. And then she hit bottom by getting a second DUI and finally decided to get it together. If it would have gone on much longer I would have filed. I was very, very close. You may very well be right, maybe you need to file so that he realizes that you have boundaries and demand respect. I can't tell you that. But I can tell you that setting expectations is planting the seeds of resentment, and who needs that kind of poison in their life?
I hope you can take something from the ramblings above.
I can relate, special occasions spell danger to me too. The whole idea of celebrating while things are not good can be too much. Why not leave the plans and go with whatever unfolds. Maybe he will come up with something and if he doesnt then maybe treat yourself to a nice day out for your birthday. Maybe its time to try something different, let it go and let god. You may get a few surprises or at the very least you can treat yourself.x
ILD
I think I would just keep it very simple and state that I know that we have a few big events coming up within the next few weeks and that I would like to suggest that we:
plan a family dinner on Saturday at (Such and such a place), I really do not need any presents but we could us a new hand mixer for the kitchen -if you would like to purchase that.
I plan to purchase a simple card for you to acknowledge our anniversary and the years we have been together. Again I do not need a present but If you want to see something different happen, please let me know
I would plan a fabulous birthday and Mother's Day and present him with a momento of some sort to honor the anniversary and, like Kenny said, have no expectations. Simple.
I think you should do whatever you think is best for you. The whole no expectation is a must .. anything you expect will be a disappointment.
I have had to come to the realization/acceptance my STBAX just doesn't think like I do. The kids birthdays have come and gone and there has been no mention of birthdays except to say .. oh I'm going to do this and that with no follow through. The kids have both said they are bringing it up .. my only caution has been just remember .. he doesn't think like we do.
Try to relax though and enjoy the fact it IS your birthday and it IS Mother's Day .. it's your day and just do whatever you feel and treat yourself to something special.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I wouldn't write a thing....I would let go and have many times. My BD is during the Christmas holidays and it's forgotten quite often. Mothers day..what's that.
Just plan a good meal for you and the family even though they should be doing it for you. Maybe buy that mixer yourself and bake a cake. Just let everyone know it's your BD, Mothers Day and Anniversary next weekend and your planning a dinner. Maybe they will get the message and do something....if not at least you took care of you and made yourself the best dinner and cake EVER.
I'm sorry, prayers are with you that HP will help you understand what is happening and give you what is best.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
ILD: I, too, would simply drop reaching out to him and plan my birthday and Mother's Day to my liking and carry it out with friends and my son. I'd let him know the plans I'd made if he'd like to join you. For the anniversary, a card could be appropriate or nothing at all. I just wouldn't even try to go to the hardware store to buy bread again. Although I might be powerless over him and my expectations of him, I'm not powerless over choosing to do things I want to do for me and inviting people to join me who treat me well.
I think I must have said something that took this thread in a different way than I intended. I have NO expectations of HIM and he and ds are very aware of the dates, etc. But, I know how much he struggles and he always looks to me to kinda plan a few things or tell them what I want, etc. I guess I was looking for advice over whether I should actually communicate what I'd like(whether he wants to buy it or not is up to him) and that ds and I would like to do dinner for my birthday. I've learned a long time ago that if I want to do something for my birthday, I have to plan it.
As for friends, I really don't have any good friends who even know when my birthday is, until it pops up on the Facebook feeds. I have no family in town except for son and AH. Anyway, I'm dreading the weekend as it was always stressful even when we were in a much better place in our marriage. Honestly, I don't even want to spend any time with him at all right now. He's been so uncommunicative and literally leaves a room the minute I walk in. He hasn't been wearing his ring and I am at the point where I wish he would just file for divorce, forcing me down the path that is most likely inevitable.
Grateful mentioned inviting people who treat me well. Not sure I even know what that looks like in my life right now. I can't even get a hold of my sponsor. I have 5 texts sent to friends in program 3 days ago and I've not heard from any of them in response. I know people are busy, but I'm truly feeling crappy right now so you'll have to pardon my pity party. I'll feel better tomorrow, I hope.
I love Hotrod's draft memo - really to the point and no expectations
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that things are still so difficult - I've felt before that you and are not so far apart on our respective journeys and I'm sad that our similarities continue (with the lack of communication thing I mean!!).
My birthdays was in April and I asked myself 'what sort of day would I like to have?' When AH asked me what I wanted to do I said that I would really appreciate it if I could have a quiet peaceful day doing just as I please and perhaps he would like to go out for a few hours - he took that surprisingly well!!
Sorry, I must have misinterpreted. Sometimes this type of communication is difficult for me, as I like to ask questions so I can get a clear picture of a persons intentions
((((((hugs)))))))
Sorry if I misunderstood. Glad you are making plans for you though - birthday dinner sounds like something nice. Up to you who you want to invite!
Isn't it funny how resistant we are to filing for divorce? Well, I'm speaking about me I guess, and I am still trying to figure out what my resistance to that idea is all about because I know it is not really about AH. I think I struggle with the idea of giving up my dreams. I wonder if I should be finding some new ones? Sorry, thinking out loud!! Take good care ILD, I hope you find something nice to do today. x
I think when you have a child the greatest fear is that divorce will cause them to come from a "broken home" and maybe people forget that a home where parents don't get along (even if not outright fighting) is still broken...and families are all dysfunctional in one way or another. Thinking how any bad behavior of your child will get thrown in your face and you'll get told "you wanted the divorce!" Also -
Both sets of my grandparents were married over 60 years and my parents now 50 years. When my sister was divorcing her 1st husband, mom said "Good people don't get divorced. They work on their marriages!" WTF mom!? So this is where my tendency to stay in relationships and force them to work when they are not came from. Fear of the unknown is another thing. Not wanting to be the one to initiate. So many reasons to stay in an unhappy marriage. I know they all have to add up and tip the scale though. It takes a lot.
We're all here with you, ILD, loving you and listening to you.
I don't know what your motives are for staying married to your AH or wanting him to file for divorce rather than you. I do know that had I waited for my x to do that, I wouldn't be typing this to you today. I had to decide what I wanted for my life and it wasn't to live the rest of my life in a toxic relationship that was going nowhere except downhill exposing my kids to violence - both overt and covert. Then, I had to file for divorce regardless of what other people thought because they weren't living my life, they weren't being abused, and they weren't in charge of my life. I never shared with others what was going on in my home while it was going on except the parish priests who asked me what I was doing to "bring on the abuse," until several years after the divorce.
I sat on the fence for several years, ILD. I went for couples counseling, pastoral counseling and did all I could to change myself and change the hell hole I lived in at the time. There was no changing it and I had to move beyond it. I had absolutely no human support for the decision I made in the late 70s. I received that human support several years after divorcing the x from the very people who thought it was a mistake and I should try harder. It was my HP who helped moved me from a holding pattern into a new life and gave me what I needed every step of the way.
I trust your HP will do the same with and for you. Many, many hugs and much support for you whatever you choose to do, ILD, not only for your birthday and Mother's Day and your anniversary but for you and for your life. (((ILD)))
PS: If some of your fear comes from the "broken home" thing that PC alludes to in his post (and I love all that he said here), to me, there are no broken homes. There are just different ways to do the same thing. A principal of a school once said that to me and I suggested that when he believed that, he reduced his view of my children and their capacity for learning and doing well in school. He pitied them instead of respected them and I didn't appreciate the view. I learned that statistically, more children are raised in single parent homes thanks to war in America than not. Of course, that learning was in the 80s when I was a single parent, but it helped me hold my head up high and do the best I could with what I had to work with at the time. It also helped me encourage both my kids to do their best no matter what the obstacles appeared to be in their lives. I would not allow that term to be used to judge or diminish me or my children. I so appreciate PC's compassionate and educated look at that term and at the judgments that simply don't hold water today but were held by good folks who were educated to believe that divorce is wrong based on religious tenets written at a time when women weren't educated, had no income and men were divorcing them and leaving them destitute so they could marry another woman for reasons as frivolous as the woman was no longer young and able to bear children.
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Birthdays are always a hard time for me because I've had a number of experiences where people have let me down on my birthday (plan for a get-together, they never show up, etc.) and it hurts more that day than on other days, although to be truthful it hurts on the other days too. And my A always used to ridicule me: "You're not a child! You don't need people to celebrate your &^%$ birthday." (Come to find out he appreciates birthday presents as much as the next person. Go figure.)
I have a friend who has a successful birthday event every year. She tells people multiple times instead of hoping they'll remember. She hosts a nice picnic and it's become an annual event. But she still has to tell people over and over. I appreciate that she does that because I'm so bad about remembering which day people's birthdays are and then I just feel guilty and awful afterwards. So people who tell me in advance and set up plans are doing me a big favor and I'm really grateful.
Maybe someone in town who will celebrate with us is a great goal to aim for.
I don't know if this helps at all but I can just say the way I handled it. It's that time of year for me too (B-days). Since I'm in still going through a painful probable break up, I had decided to go do something on my own that weekend, like climb a local mountain or something. Go sit at the airport and people-watch. I don't know. Just something that would probably inspire me to either create something or just understand life a bit more. But then I'm kind of a stuck-in-my-head sort of loner anyway and definitely don't need a party. I was also going to spend time with my kids doing something similar...going on a hike, etc. But then I did get an invitation that I wasn't expecting, that seemed to be coming from the heart and not begrudgingly, so I have been able to drop my plans with myself, keep the ones with my kids and take the offer up of dinner as organized by the other party in this break up (sorry, I just don't know what to call him).
So I guess I planned 'as if' I wasn't going to get any kind of dinner, and I would have actually been fine with that, because it'd be more of a gift to me to be on my own in peace than feeling hellishly lonely within tormented, painful company.
-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Saturday 3rd of May 2014 02:06:14 PM
