The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't been on for a while. I have been happily busy with my business so I have had a little/lot less free time to read and post. I want thank you all for you ongoing support through the hardest time of my life. I feel like I came to these boards a hopeless incoherent mess, who knew nothing about herself. I had not realized that I didn't even know who I was - only that I wasn't good enough (a lie). You have helped to bring me into a healthy reality. I didn't know which way was up when I hit my bottom. Through your honesty and support I was able to begin and eventually get out of that deep hole I was in.
I am surprised and relieved and delighted that I have found my true self. I am getting to know her better daily. I found my SELF outside of my AH. I have been able to identify unhealthy behaviors of codependency and I know I have the tools to combat them. I know that If I fail - it is OKAY. I know that my SELF is more important than my AH "loving" me or just about anything else in the world. With that commitment to my SELF I have been able to not only heal, but be an equal partner in my marriage. I was able to take/accept (bad behavior) on MY terms, I was able to decide what I wanted to live with and what I didn't. It was empowering. It built my self esteem in a internal way...not a you better do this! or else way. Wow! When I felt mistreated I was able to say...to myself and to my AH. I am not willing to live like this. I can make changes in my living arrangements etc, without being concerned if he would be MAD. That is so freeing, I lived my life around if he would be mad. It controlled me. I would be consumed with keeping the peace (which was an illusion in my head btw) and was on constant alert. Not that he was violent, but I just needed him to be "happy" with me. Now - *I* am happy with me, if I do something to make him mad, I have NO Guilt. and I know he will get over it. and I know that If it becomes unbearable - I CAN leave. I CAN be happy.
I am blessed that I was able to come to all of these conclusions BEFORE my AH got sober. Yes, I am very very happy for HIM that he got sober. But honestly more than anything in the world, I am so happy that I have walked through this mess. I have learned more about myself and humanity that I could have every imagined and it is gloriously beautiful. I am FREE. I am not sure that I would have gotten this far in my personal growth if he had gotten sober sooner. (I know, I know, how can I say that - But I believe it is true). I know that my HP is sooo in control and knows me soooo well.
I also feel so at peace because I have learned to let him go. He is about 15 days sober. I can tell that this time he feels it. He did it on is OWN. HE decided. I had very little to do with it (I can't make that commitment FOR him). He is NOT my responsibility. That is freeing. I can now be at work or at home while he is out and about and I have no worries. I do NOT worry that he is drinking. If he does - that is HIS problem. I even went on a 3 day retreat when he was 10 days sober, and I didn't worry an ounce.
I can say that the biggest relief from his sobriety is that I do finally have an active participant in my life. I haven't worried about him "drinking" too much for a while...but I did worry that he would die. So it is a relief to know that won't overdose and he can actually drive home ALONE safely and I won't find a random person downstairs. I am also really blessed that i have my husband back. He is so talented and he can finally begin to live out the plan his HP has for him. He has already (between his 6am trip to Lowes and his 10:30 haircut) met with the owners and then purchased one of our businesses competitors! He found a new front desk for our business, got our new chandelier hung (its been in a bedroom for 10 months). All that and more after 7 days of detox and 7 days of active life.
I could go on (I usually do! lol), but I will stop here. I will be back posting again when I get my staff trained and (lol) between sewing that robe that I started and learning how to play the piano. I finally WANT to do my hobbies now.
Thank you so much to my MIP family! I wish you all healing, blessings, and answered prayers. I WILL be back, I can only pray that I am able to add insight to the other thousands of people that are affected by this disease. We are NOT alone.
May the road rise to meet you, May the wind be always at your back, May the sun shine warm upon your face, the rains fall softly on your fields; until we meet again may God hold you in the palm of his hand.
You may need to change your name soon, you don't sound very sad anymore Susie! So glad to hear of the progress inside and outside yourself! My AW is almost 6 months sober, and I didn't learn any Al anon tools until after she had become sober. I still have plenty of occasion to use them, because the tools are a good means of dealing with life, not just with alcoholics.
One of the best things my wife and I did was both be in AlAnon and AA. We now kinda speak the same language. We can remind each other things like "please don't take my inventory, that's my job". You didn't mention if your AH is in AA. Of course, you can't force him to go, but hopefully he will see from your shining example what a recovery program can do for one.
In the meantime, keep up the good work, and keep coming back. I know from experience that you still need recovery while he is sober, in fact maybe more since he is now actually engaging with you.
