The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi MIP family. I'm sorry I've been absent for a while- juggling so many things and trying not to drop anything... but pretty much just feeling super vulnerable and trying to throw a root down somewhere.
I'm up late tonight, bothered by a trigger. Actually, it's a continuation of a trigger from last week and now it's become unmanageable because I'm angry and feeling resentful. The trigger is being ignored; it makes me feel not respected and not valued. I'm tired, having trouble focusing, final exams coming up, court case pending, trying to get a small business going, and more. Last week my Uncle refused to pay $25 for my Dad to receive speech therapy- Uncle has POA and the final word. Last time I paid thousands of dollars for my Dad to have therapy. Now, this isn't even a choice that I can make. My Uncle is willing to let Dad deteriorate from inability to articulate the thoughts in his head- my Uncle is clearly not a people person and doesn't understand my Dad (he told the nurses that he's too senile to speak, but if this were true, how is it that I can hold 45 minute conversations with my Dad with my Dad fully present?) and my Uncle is not open to reason. I spoke to the nurses already, but they're evaluations are clearly not based on the same facts as my observations. It seems odd that I'm the only one who can hold a conversation with my Dad... thank you HP... but, it's sad that no one else can enjoy conversations with my Dad.
Then, last Friday, I was informed that classes I take are cancelled on Monday. So, I took that to mean Monday this week, but boy was I ever wrong! When I showed up on Wednesday, I found out that there were classes this past Monday, but there won't be classes this coming Monday. I know how trivial this sounds... but, nonetheless I am emotionally stuck. I explained to the administrator what had happened, and she said that I was informed of the change on Monday and it's my FAULT for not remembering. (How can I remember something that I never knew?) I told her that it wasn't clear and there was no reference made to 2 Mondays as the class being affected. I left a voicemail for the owner briefly explaining what had happened and requested a text or email when there are class changes so that I wouldn't miss any classes- I let him know how disappointed I was and just want to be on the same page. No reply. Nothing.
So, I started revving up- got myself even more upset (all on my own- nothing happened) how I paid money, am a good client and no one values or respects me. Then I was wondering how I can continue classes if no one takes responsibility for making sure I understand changes in class schedule. Then, I was thinking (very bad, I know) how can I enjoy the remainder of the classes I've paid for in advance if I know that I'm not valued and leaving. Now I can't sleep. What I really want is to continue classes but with a simple curtesy communication if there are changes and doesn't appear forthcoming. It feels like the school is acting like I'm trying to either pull one over on them or they simply don't care to take responsibility. (another trigger) But maybe they just made a mistake and don't want to acknowledge it and maybe I'm blowing everything out of proportion. I'm upset with myself that I'm feeling reactive.
I can really use some help with this please. I hope I don't read this in a few hours and feel ashamed that I lost sleep and couldn't handle this myself. I know it's not the end of the universe- but I'm feeling so sad and so angry.
I hope you got a good nights sleep in the end. I often forget to ask myself what it is that I need - but when I do remember to look after myself my spirits are raised and I feel much better. No need to feel ashamed btw - we all do it
I have to go back to step one in these situations. I'm powerless .. not helpless .. I trigger when I feel helpless. It sounds like the frustration with your uncle and then the class are tied into one thing in your mind add court to the mix oi! It helps if I can take apart the situations and only address one thing at a time. I don't know if that makes sense .. I do know when I can see one thing instead of the mountain I can make better decisions for me. Hugs s ;) I hope you got some good sleep! That helps!
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
What I do in this type of situations is put a q-tip in my pocket. The initials stand for Quit Taking it Personal. Another thing I do is make a gratitude list and read it over and over. I add to it every time I read it. The Serenity prayer can also help...by accepting the things we cannot change such as your uncle and his POA decision.
When a person in my face uses a trigger on me I often say YOU MAY BE RIGHT..and walk off. If I keep rehashing the injustices to myself and others I jstu keep the anger churning until I have a full blown resentment. Letting go is much easier if done as soon as possible.
Thank you Milkwood, yes- after I typed the post, I went back to bed and slept well.
Thank you SerenityRUS, yes- that is exactly what I did- lump the "evils" together. I guess I felt that the class situation was a no brainer in achieving a better result than my Uncle and when I realized that wasn't happening... BAM.... the magic mountain.
Thanks LIN, you are exactly correct, it became personal and I need to stop that. Uncle thing gets the serenity prayer. Class thing, may change over time... it's possible that I was heard and that it may be handled differently in the future. I can't stop someone from seeing a green polka-dotted sky, if that is what they see. Yes, I kept it churning larger and larger. I will continue to reflect on how important is it as I work on ridding my negative reactivity.
Thank you for your thoughts- I'm in a much better space already. It's so ridiculous how easily I can sometimes allow myself to become traumatized!
I am glad that you have had some rest and found the value in sharing a problem. I am happy that you are still able to commnunicate with Dad. Prayers for you and your family
Thanks Betty- I am grateful. It is amazing how I am the only person who can hold a conversation with my Dad, but also am the only person who has a failure to communicate with a school regarding closings. (still working on letting it go... but just may not return to the school as my solution...how important is it... it is important for me to be able to communicate... )
This whole thing reminds me how badly I need to be heard because for so long no one was listening .. I stopped listening to my own intuition regarding me. I would definitely look into asking for a refund in terms of unless you ask you won't know and they then have the opportunity to listen to you. Of course they don't have to .. at least they will understand how not pleased you are about the situation.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Bud I do understand and know that communication is often a challenge. The ODAT today reminds us that prayer for guidance never go unanswered as long as we are receptive to the inspiration.
I often quit things in "protest "only to find that I had sabotaged myself in the process.
My quote for the day
"We can act ourselves into right thinking easier than we can think ourselves into right acting." Anon
Thank you SerenityRUS for the validation and it's always helpful to know there are options.
Thank you Betty, I know I am blowing this way out of proportion and placed my foot in this direction anyway. It's an annoyance but not a big deal, unless I make it one. Your word "protest" resonates as does the sabotage. I'm glad I haven't done this in a while and now can stop myself from creating more damage. I would be so much better off letting it go. I feel better equipped to do so. I can let it go just for today. (and I'll bet I won't go looking to take it back!)
I know it's not the end of the universe- but I'm feeling so sad and so angry.