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Well I'm officially out of a job but not quite. My job will end during the summer. I did apply for another in my dept. but it's been offered to someone else. I don't know who got it. I'm disappointed. The job was for my boss' boss who has her head on straight and is one of the few left who is holding tight to the good work we do. I don't see much there for me now. My future chances at jobs are with an unsavory lot who will likely not choose me for an interview. That's ok it's nearly impossible to remain there and remain true to myself now. I can't pretend and that's why I'll be shown the door when my time is up there in the summer. Ya know long before coming into this program I was never good at playing the games you seem to have to play to get ahead in this world and since being in program, it turns my stomach more than ever. I'm working from home tomorrow - a blessing, a reprieve from the nausceating pretentiousness of my workplace where everyone is dressed every day like they just stepped off the set of some soap opera. LOL it is a soap opera! Hooray! I can stay in my old plaid flannel robe all day to work, no matching purse required Well... to be honest, I wear what I want there anyway. I'm good with myself and I like what I like and if it's what someone else likes that's just a coincidence. Ya know what else? I miss all the good people who were let go. I've got only 2 people left from the original group who I can talk with. The new hires have been groomed to be a part of the creepy new culture. My recovering abf and I are getting ready to attend his dad's memorial service next week and his mom just got released from the hospital today after four days. I guess losing her hubby was just too much. We've been trying to help her but bf has his own grieving process too.
Right now we are both struggling with current circumstances. It's so much better when one is up so they can help the other feel a bit hopeful. I suggested we sit down and each write a gratitude list last night. I have to tell you... I really hate writing gratitude lists and have to be feeling pretty desperate to write one. The reason is that I usually am so disgusted at a time I need to write a gratitude list that I end up writing what seems like lame things to write. The fact is I sat down to write that list filled with resentments and anger that had everything to do with my ego and nothing to do with humility. Bf wrote his list and it was filled with so many simple things, the things that were on my gratitude list in the days I was struggling financially. He is struggling to find work due to fallout from when he was a using alcoholic instead of a sober one. My list sound superficial by comparison expect when both expressed gratitude for our parents and why which made us both cry which was a good release for both of us. I guess we really needed all we could get so we tried a gratitude list with the alphabet too. That led to a few laughs especially those hard letters like Q and Z. Laughing is good.
I'm realizing that I'm losing myself in a bad work situation again. These people are relentlessly trying to brainwash us. I guess I can't really explain it, you've got to have worked in such a situation. Well basically it's just another form of manipulation and they're aware that I'm not going for it. Well anyway, I've been looking outside the company for work and trying to separate my personal life as best I can. Sorry for venting but it's been good to get this out. If you've gotten this far, thanks for reading. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 1st of May 2014 09:37:43 PM
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 1st of May 2014 09:38:39 PM
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 1st of May 2014 09:40:41 PM
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 1st of May 2014 09:41:50 PM
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I read it all. I hope that you will find this release from what is obviously no longer a match for you leads to feeling free and joyful for you? I can't play the game either and so I can relate very well to what you've written here. I am glad that both you and your SO have been making those gratitude lists together and finding reasons to laugh together during what is a very stressful time for the both of you and for his family, TT. Know that I am here in support for you both in empathy and in trust that you are both being led to the doors that will open for the both of you that will be enriching and soulful. (((TT)))
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 1st of May 2014 09:52:47 PM
((((Tired))))...easy does it...live in the moment only. I related to the atmosphere around doing a gratitude list cause I've been there and done that "lame" list in the past and it was lame until I listened to my sponsorship and fellowship sitting on my "bottom" and I don't mean only my ass. Resentments and depressions from resentments and self anger and poor meeeeeees and lack of faith and loss trust just had not way of pulling the blinds back so I could see the good stuff. I hear the "getting it real" attitude for what you're trying to do cause I also wasn't into it back then and then now the goods in my life so very far out weigh the negatives. Our home group meeting last night was on Self Awareness which is very helpful in understanding my difficulty..."me". How often I have dreaded only to be trumped by the will of God...How often...I can't count it all today so I will not worry. Word is that my contract may come to an end in January and that's not today yet...I've got other things to do and so many things that my HP might or will want me to attend to. Keep going forward...you know how to do that. In support ((((hugs))))
Thanks for your es&h and understanding of my feelings. Since this post, a job has been posted in my company that includes half of my duties and another which is identical but supervises the other. The salary is much lower for each and the pay differential is a nickel an hour between the supervisor and subordinate. Yes, you read that right. I suppose the hope is that at least some of us will quit. I'm going to have to apply for these jobs in order to possibly keep working until hp directs me elsewhere. Now that I've had a few days to get over the shock (not really surprised however) I can move forward despite the disappointment - one foot in front of the other and let go of the outcome. I know hp is taking care of me. I see proof of this everyday. I just need to be mindful of the gifts I've been given. Some of this gifts are just going to need a little sprucing up because things are advancing at such a rapid pace in this world that I'm going to have to lose the resentment concerning that, open my mind and keep learning new skills that will give me more professional an personal independence and basically not be putting all my eggs in one basket. Employers are fickle as are workplace cultures so why be a sitting duck who can be ranomly shot of the lake at any moment. It's time, time for reinvention... a little inventory of my skills and talents and how to improve and market myself. That Eleanor Roosevelt quote comes to mind from one of our Alanon daily readers. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. This is a good motivator but I also need to make an honest assessment of my attitudes and beliefs especially around the expectation of "fairness." Primarily, I want to remember that my job is to always turn my finger inward and ask myself what I can do. Sometimes that even means nothing more than waiting but if I'm outwardly focused, blaming, indignant, stonewalling and resentful I've not prayed for knowledge of hp's will for me and the power to carry that out. Doing that, frees me to take the next action as best I'm humanly able and then let go and let god.
I've been enjoying life outside of work and keeping with the wellness commitment I've made to myself and service in the program and fun activities now that the weather is improving. Just because life throws a curveball here and there, doesn't mean it has to be an all consuming obsession. When those moments come, I've been centering myself with some prayer and meditation and walks on beautiful walking paths where I've been seeing pretty birds and meeting tailwagging dogs and their people. Staying present is wonderful :) (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 4th of May 2014 09:18:59 AM
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I once saw a quote by Byron Katie that has helped me stay positive and focused on the good as multiple expected and unexpected challenges have occurred in my life during the past year and a half: "If someone or something leaves your life, congratulations! You've been spared." I don't want to stay where it is obvious to me that I am not appreciated, cherished or valued and yet the work I need to do sometimes to move beyond where I am requires some waiting time. Remembering that everything changes and my HP only wants the best for me plus Katie's quote helps me do what you are doing - focus on what I can do to appreciate, cherish and value myself and extend that to others while I'm waiting for my HP to open the door into my new life when the time is right.
I love that you are enjoying life outside of work, keeping your wellness commitment, and seeing that your job is only a small part of your life. Hugs back at you, TT.
Thank you for the update TT--- I understand this difficult time within your Corporation because I walked through that for over 10 years in the company I finally retired from. I think it wise consider your options, pray and decide to apply for the jobs that are posted. HP is with you and whatever is meant to be for your greater good will unfold.
I agree leave work at work and then begin to enjoy your life. This is the gift that Al-Anon gave me and I continue to employ one day at a time. Faith and trust in a higher power makes all things possible and gives me serenity, courage and wisdom.
Well... to be honest, I wear what I want there anyway. I'm good with myself and I like what I like and if it's what someone else likes that's just a coincidence. Ya know what else? I miss all the good people who were let go. I've got only 2 people left from the original group who I can talk with. The new hires have been groomed to be a part of the creepy new culture. My recovering abf and I are getting ready to attend his dad's memorial service next week and his mom just got released from the hospital today after four days. I guess losing her hubby was just too much. We've been trying to help her but bf has his own grieving process too. 