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He is denying the abuse and pretending he is the agreeable one. I did react however, I set boundaries. I restated my boundary to him "if he continues to deny the abuse and harassment, I will have to report him to the police. " He tried to say the stories are made up again. He is pretending he is agreeable just before mediation and setting me up in email. He told me he needed to know a time to pick him up from daycare. I restated my boundary, that the last time I suggested a time, he became enraged so if he wanted a time that is in his son's best interest, then he could discuss that with the daycare. He then told me he has never became that enraged. I said if you do not remember your anger in phone calls, then perhaps you could record them. He said my emails and text messages can be viewed as harassment. I said they are boundaries.
-- Edited by Truth on Tuesday 29th of April 2014 06:08:55 PM
He then told me he was not participating he was going to enjoy his son. I said that would be very good instead of looking in my garage during your visiting hours.
-- Edited by Truth on Tuesday 29th of April 2014 06:11:08 PM
I'm going to caution you if he is stating things like this you are getting set up. I would encourage you to just go radio silent once you state your boundary. Trust me .. you give him enough rope he will hang himself. Keep your side of the street clean. This is what worked for me. Hugs and be careful. S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
If he's starting again it's better you back off more. I have learned all you have to do is say it once and then let go. Anymore engagement just encourages more confrontation on their part and your not going to win.
I have learned to never make a threat I will not enforce and never set a boundary I will not keep. It took some learning but I'm better off for it.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
You won't make much progress getting an abusive person to admit they are abusive. This reminds me of that "nailing jello to a tree" analogy. I wish there was a way to communicate less or more amicably but trying to convince him of anything seems like a waste. Don't let him drive you nuts if you can help it. Sorry you have to go through this with him.
And yes he is setting me up. He stated that he was recording our conversation. I said good. I didn't consent to that but if he would like we can be open about that and put that we can both record all exchanges
He told me after he had recorded it. If you want it to be submitted in court, you have to tell the person they are being recorded. I know I did not say anything wrong anyhow. He was trying to get me to say no to an exchange and I just said I will discuss it later and I did not agree to that. He was trying to intimidate me again.
No what actually looks worse is that you do this when you have our son.
In emails, during your visiting time, at exchanges in front of our son, leaving our son in the truck to look in my garage. Him and his ex-cop sponsor can try to set me up all he wants. I am as straight laced as they come except for a smoking habit of four a week. There is no judge that is going to take away a child from a mom who has sole custody and has done everything in her power to give a father access with conditions. He views boundaries as control. He has stated it over and over again.
Truth .. here's what happened to me .. when I went in and spoke to the domestic violence shelter he had threatened to run me over with his truck .. the problem with that is yes he did .. however I was engaging with him so they would actually take that as I was part of the problem. What she told me was it has to be a situation that didn't look like I was "playing a game with him" .. those were her words. No judge would take either of us seriously .. honestly .. I didn't want to look like the crazy person so what I did after that was this .. when his behavior would start in .. I actually used his words to you. I will no longer engage in this conversation, please stop contacting me. THEN .. I went radio silent. Because I did that .. he went NUTS .. I mean that literally. I was getting calls and threats at 12am. He was threatening me with calling the Sheriff to get "his stuff" and then I had the police present when we did an exchange and the Deputy was AMAZING!! He was very nice and very funny. He spoke directly to my STBAX and stated that he was there to keep the peace. After that interchange he called me out after my STBAX left and said .. umm .. that guy isn't ok. Lights are on and NO ONE is home.
After 4 weeks of documentation and hearing from a police officer that we were not to meet at my residence (I lived in the country) I went into the courts and asked for an OP because the behavior was extremely concerning. I was unable to get the OP extended to the children. HOWEVER the Judge in the case read what I had collected, read what I was concerned with and pretty much decided that he was going to grant me the OP for 2 weeks. I went for an extension and got it .. it was sad and funny at the same time .. within the first 3 weeks of the OP he violated it 3x .. I had the police come out and explain why he couldn't do what he was doing .. basically he was given a warning. The 3rd time it was the what has now become to what is referred to as the "visitation incident" .. LOL! I only laugh because when I say that my atty, the kids therapists, my therapist knows what I'm referring to and the kids say that and the powers that be know what they mean.
Bottom line is .. I don't need to tell him what I am doing (I continue to save texts and I have over 6000+ text for the last 2 years) I'm not saying that what you are doing is "wrong" what I'm saying is look at this from a different perspective .. if there are two people and they are going through a divorce and a child is involved .. when the two are engaging each other .. how do you think the judge is going to look at the situation? Do you think he's going to say here is one insane person and one healthy person who is making the best decisions they can. Or do you think they will say here are two people who are going out of their way to remain connected (as negative attention is better than no attention) and there is a child involved. The judge in MY case would be PISSED big time and I do whatever I can NOT to irritate him!!! I love this judge big time. Making him mad is NOT an option!! So I weigh myself by always asking when engaging .. is this going to help my case or hurt it. I know that sounds a little cold .. however it helps me NOT to text back, it helps me NOT to engage .. it reminds me Mr Crazy Pants has arrived and he wants to show his butt I don't need to join in the circus as I already know what I'm going to do.
You aren't going to change his behavior by telling him he's wrong .. of course he's wrong .. let him look like the fool .. let him do what A's do and hang himself in this situation. Pink mentioned the adage "You can't nail Jell-O to a tree." LOL .. that is my saying actually and I LOVE that saying and I forgot it until he posted it!! My STBAX is Jell-O and all of the nailing to the tree is not going to make him stick to it. I can't make him see MY way .. even if he's wrong and I know he's wrong. So instead of wasting my breath .. I just take an action (Pause, Pray and Proceed) .. sometimes the action is to sit and do nothing.
I soooo NEEDED this reminder so thanks for posting this string .. it reminds me to just stay on my side of the street and let him do what he's going to do .. because I have faith that the God of my understanding is going to work it all out.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
He can spend the rest of his life doing that. I actually focus on myself and my son. I don't phone him. I don't text him. I don't go to his house. I am not getting investigated by the police and I did go through a parenting "program" and they said do not ever not say your opinion out of fear. ALWAYS SPEAK UP.
Just not in front of the children.
In July of last year my ABF went on a sad, drunken text spree and sent messages to his family AND our primary care physician that implied he was going to kill himself. He had been hospitalized (Baker Acted) for attempting suicide before so our doctor called the police to come to the house and check on him. Prior to the police arriving he was pacing around the house and trying to figure out how to leave before they got there. (Dr. Jekyll)
The reason I am telling you this story is that when the police were questioning him he was calm, cool and collected. 'Mr. Hyde' had arrived to save his bacon. He said he had no idea why they were there and that nothing was wrong. He claimed that 'someone' must have made a mistake. When he finally agreed to go to the hospital to talk to a doctor he thought they would leave. Instead the police sat in their cars (parked on my lawn) until we got in the car to go to the hospital. (Dr. Jekyll reappeared) My ABF kept peeking out the window and pacing around again saying he had lied in order to placate them so they would go on about their day. He insisted he wasn't going anywhere and they would have to take him by force. After 15 - 20 minutes of nonsense he went out to the police car (calm again) and asked if he needed to take his toothbrush with him to see the doctor.(?)
During this episode I looked like a raving lunatic. The calmer he was, and the more he lied; the crazier I got. I bet if I asked the police to tell me what they witnessed that day they would say I was the one who needed to speak to a doctor.
My ABF is a master manipulator who can turn almost any situation around so that he is the victim and the one who has been 'wronged'. I don't want you to get sucked into a trap if he is trying to appear as if he is the victim.
Stay calm and know your own truth.
((( hug )))
-- Edited by sad_dog_mommy on Wednesday 30th of April 2014 09:37:23 AM
I do stay calm. I don't raise my voice. I don't "act" like a lunatic. I am glad he "recorded" the conversation. He was yelling and intimidating. I said I will discuss this later and I did not agree to that.
I think I can do it because I have nothing to fear and I am not trying to control the outcome. If he continues to behave this way, his son will figure it out. I have a court order I follow it. I don't stalk, harass, and try to get him to breach it. That would be focusing on him.
I think this way. I am not going to react, but I will speak my Truth. It empowers me to actually stay calm. My counsellor said do not let him silence you because then he has taken your power.
Also, I am "not in love with this man" so it is easy to check my motives. My motive has and always will be to have his son see his father with conditions and to reduce the conflict that my son sees. As I stated before, I am not interested in passing any grievances onto my son.
Thanks for letting me get that out. It is frustrating that is all. He also conviently "takes" my son things and loses them so I will ask about them and then he can call me a "b***h". He took his stuff again, however it is not important. I have figured out that passive aggressive move which is a new one in the last year. I just keep a hidden stock at the daycare so my son always has his boots, mittens, hats etc.
Truth, I think I understand what you mean. Are you saying that you don't start the conversations or the contact, but you do respond? You're describing a conversation in your posts, not a bullet point sort of exchange. That's what the other people on this thread have suggested you do - bullet point exchange. There's no opportunity for him to attempt to bully you with threats to record his calls to you, because the call is too short for him to do that.
My experience with this is in a different legal system, but I am pretty certain that courts all over the world expect people to be on their best behaviour right before and after hearings. Where I live, his attempts to bully you by threatening to record the conversation would actually work against him. It's the sort of OTT and controlling behaviour that goes hand in hand with abuse.
It sounds to me like this man is trying his damndest to upset you. He will take whatever you say to him and twist it to justify his own behaviour. Don't play that game. Just drop the contact down to the bare necessities, in a format that makes sense to you. He calls, but you have to deal with nonsense when he does? Text... email... letter... whatever makes you feel safest and most in control. I don't know if it is possible to have a third party be a sort of neutral intermediary, but it might be something to consider. If he's spying on you and going through your garage, why let him in to your home? Keep yourself safe.
