The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Apparently, A hit someone at work today. I actually sympathised for a while as he told me how this guy had "provoked him" until I realised..hang on...isn't that what he's always says about me? It's amazing that I bought into it at first. It's amazing that I always have bought into his tales of persecution really. I've noticed that the more I detach and refuse to attend his arguments, the more he is expressing his anger at other people and they are noticing. It's really inappropriate and now, today, illegal. He's not being any more aggressive than usual, he's just taking it elsewhere because it isn't working for him at home I guess. But in the outside world you can't get away with that kind of stuff and I suspect he will lose his freedom, perhaps over this incident in fact. He has no chances left with the law. It's a very big deal. It's also not mine to worry about anymore. If he doesn't come home tomorrow night I'm not going to be very surprised. He hasn't been drinking at home as he seems to realise that I'm serious about him being removed from the house if he does so I'm not feeling threatened by the way. I'm not in the firing line just now. But I'm a little bit humbled by how he needs to express his aggression elsewhere now that he can't "express it" on me. Did I really take all of that on, internalise it, blame myself and let it make me sick for all of those years? OMG, I did. That's A lot. He's actually being very meek, mild and "sweet" with me, I suspect because his world is falling apart and he thinks he might be going to need me....it tugs at my heart-strings just a little because there is still a small part of him that I love and wish I could protect but not like I used to. I still care but I know for sure now that living in a cocoon where he feels safe and loved and blameless and I feel miserable and abused and violated isn't good for anyone including him.
Also, we were issued with an eviction notice today as he has not paid his rent for a while. 14 days we have to vacate the premises. I'm not contesting it or trying to pay the outstanding rent. I'm just letting it happen. Go me.
I feel...fine. Maybe even good? I've an appointment with the employment agency tomorrow to get my resume in order (that'll be a challenge, I haven't had a "proper" job since I fell pregnant almost 12 years ago) (although I HAVE worked, I'm not a complete loafer lol) and I have to have a police check etc done as the job I want to apply for requires it, and also a "working with children" card. I'm really thankful that I am now signed with this employment agency (although it WAS against my will if you recall, lol!) as they are not only paying for driving lessons but can also help me with all of these little things I need to do to re-enter the "real world". That was a real gift from HP.
I have money in the bank now- 2 months ago when the "crisis" hit I was penniless and kicking myself for being so foolish. This time around I have been smart and frugal and I have funds. I was so wrapped up in finding an alternate housemate too- because I am a full time student and have no time for work...and then it dawned on me, if I work one day a week I will earn enough to cover another person's share of the rent. It will probably actually INCREASE the amount of school-work I get through because lets face it, sitting at home studying online with no outside contact has made me sluggish and slow and I don't get much done in reality. Some real-world contact will probably be inspiring if anything!
And, now that it is winter and the tourist season is over, rentals here are cheap and abundant. I've been looking; now it's time to apply for one.
So, I'm good. A could be arrested when he arrives at work tomorrow and we are being kicked out of our home, and I'm good. Happy in fact.
Did alanon make me crazy or what?
lol.
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Tuesday 29th of April 2014 12:15:48 PM
OMGosh.....I hope not. Your not crazy! I think HP has given you the chance now to get your life together. A little pushing I think. Please take care of you and do the work because nobody wants you without a roof over your head. About the A.....let go because you and your daughter are more important. He will soon learn what his choices are going to do for him and in my book it's the best that could ever happen to him. I'm grateful everyday now that my son is in prison in hopes it will help him. If not I have a lot of free time on my hands to get my act together.
(((( hugs ))) you are not alone....
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
We wont be roofless, Cathy
I actually looked at a quaint little house the other day- just around the corner from daughter's school- it's been vacant for ages because it really isn't suitable for most people's purposes, it has 2 little bedrooms on either side and a living area in the middle, an archaic bathroom and a kitchen built in the dark-ages with a wood-stove..and this tiny house is on a huge block, fully fenced and the yard is full of old dog-poo...(meaning the owner isn't likely to object to pets). It's pretty perfect for daughter and I and our fur-babies. It's also about a 2 minute walk from the beach. I think it was meant to be I'm cool with wood-stove cooking, we did that for years when I was a kid and we have an abundance of fire-wood around we can gather each evening when we walk the dog. . I also think I could fix it up pretty nicely without a lot of effort and probably no objection from the owner. It sorta feels like it was made for us It's not a dump as I am making it sound lol it is just "quaint" and hasn't been looked after for a while. It seems like it was built lovingly by another single parent with one child and pets, lol.
I agree, prison is probably the best thing for the A. He's not managing the outside world very well and to be honest he seems like he is "cast adrift" most of the time and hoping someone will take over for him. It's frightening the way he needs to express his anger through violence and when I stop being his punching bag and manager, he can't control himself with other people. Since I have started to really learn to detach I have witnessed him screaming at the lady in the real-estate office over a $5 mistake in her rental records, she looked terrified and looked helplessly at me...he screams on the phone to people...now he has hit someone at work...I can't believe I tried to manage that rage for so many years. I really thought I was loving him by absorbing it. It's strange to see it directed at other people now that I have decided that I wont take it any longer. It makes it real and frightening and in a weird way it makes me feel compassion for him. It really never was about "us". I really never did cause it. He's actually really sick and me getting better isn't making him get better. My recovery won't bring about his recovery. It hurts a little to get that, but it is what it is.
((((Hugs)))) Melly, great to see you building a new life, and it sounds like a lovely home for you all - I like quaint! Its glorious to imagine you guys out there collecting driftwood.
We have a wood burner for our heating here and I often use it for cooking - doesn't matter what I throw on the heat, the wood smoke makes it taste really special.
I'm happy for you and the effort you put in to that quaint little house will make you and your daughter so happy I'm sure. Effort you did for YOU and feeling good about yourself doing this is the best ever.
His recovery might need to be with the authorities and maybe best for him at this time. He might just get some help...help you were never able to give him. You can love him and give him kindness and support in his recovery but keep your boundaries if he doesn't want that. That's what I'm finding out and I pray everyday the future will hold promise for my son. Your A is a son too so give him a chance to make the right choices.
Look forward to a bright and happy future..... I am.
((( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Melly, your post made me grin. So many good things happening, so much positivity! I'm sorry you're having the upheaval of the eviction, but I'm so happy you and your kid are getting a fresh start. The new place sounds perfect for the two of you (and the furbabies), and more importantly, it's all yours, with no bad memories or associations of living with him. Five minutes from the beach, as well! I'm not remotely jealous, really. ;)
(((Melly))) Sounds like things are coming to a head with your A and his addictions and your HP is stepping in to guide you on your way. Sometimes, our HP needs to step in and let us know that it is time. I too, can picture you and your daughter in your "quaint" little house by the beach. I can picture you doing a little painting and "prettying" it up. It sounds like everything is going to work out just fine for you. I see such growth!
I love how your recovery looks on you! Facing all you are facing and you are taking it in stride and have an awesome awareness! I am soo happy for you and proud of you and yes you are headed up and out of the dysfunctions of old and reaping the benefits. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I just have a second, but I thought about one thing - if he isn't getting aggression out at home, but doing it in the "outside world", but now feels threatened out there, this could become a snapping point. I have no professional nor personal experience in these matters at all, it just occurred to me that you still should be really careful around him, he sounds extremely unstable and unpredictable.
I do hope you are safe, Melly, and I am sooooooo glad you are clearly seeing that his rage issues aren't about you and never have been either. Looking into new places for you and your daughter, having a little money in the bank, getting a job for 1 day a week are all good things to have on hand and/or to consider. It wouldn't be a big stretch for him to find a way to blame you for his outside issues, so, I am also with Kenny on this, too. Sending you lots of support and encouragement as you decide what is right for you. Take good care of yourself, Melly. You're part of our family and not alone here.
Dear Melly It sounds as if you have processed this crisis with great dignity , clarity and wisdom Good Job. I know that HP will guide you to your new place and I will continue to keep you and your lovely daughter in my prayers.
