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I had a very long talk with two people last night my STBAX's s/mom who I used to be very close to and my sponsor.
S/mom has been avoiding me as I wanted to talk to her before the kids started seeing her again .. she needed to be aware of why the parenting agreement is the way it is ... I had talked to my sponsor before calling her originally and she agreed. I had actually hoped to have the conversation face to face with her. That wasn't going to happen and honestly with her this is the only time I'm willing to have this conversation .. I know if we are going to build a relationship it has to be outside the confines of the whole issue of addiction and my STBAX. Pretty much I ripped a big band aide off and after the conversation spoke to my sponsor and she said .. this is a conversation that needed to happen. It was kind of like the initial conversation I had with my STBAX about the fact he's being an ass and yes I noticed .. lol.
I ripped a big old stinky band aide off of someone else and the wound is not healed .. it was a good conversation a productive conversation .. and I think we left it pretty positive considering. She doesn't want to talk about it. Her words I don't want to know the details. I let her know how he was presenting conversations that she was having with him to the kids and what exactly the parenting agreement means. I also let her know that he stood the kids up this weekend. He has access to the kids 6 days out of the month .. it is their choice to see their dad 2x a month for 4 - 5 hours out of that day. At this point I don't think he even knows when he's lying and when he's telling the truth. Out of a 2 year period he's seen the kids 30 - 45 days if you add the time up on an hourly basis. I can't move. Why?
She has a LOT to process of what I told her. She didn't know about the missing visitation, she didn't know about the OP violation and court that went with that, she didn't know about the hospitalization, she didn't know about the crazy things he was saying when he saw the kids, how he almost forced his daughter to testify against him. It has been very difficult for the kids. Yesterday my son came home and told me he got very emotional in class .. he was worried about his dad. She did tell me that STBAX didn't go to church Sunday however she saw him Monday night .. which leads me to really believe he was doing something he shouldn't have been doing. Especially if he didn't go to church as each time he sees the kids he is obsessing over did they go to church.
The other thing I was able to clear the air about was the fact that she really hurt me by questioning me about was I sure he was drinking way back in July. I never questioned her when she talked about STBAX's father when she would say he was drunk, drinking, visiting prostitutes or the amount of porn and age of the girls. Trust me there were some wild stories .. why did I believe her? I grew up in an A home with my s/dad (I was 15+) and what happens behind closed doors would boggle the mind in dysfunctional homes. I didn't need Alanon to tell me that part of the deal. It really hurt me when she questioned me as I stumbled big time .. and I did let her know that .. I also reassured myself that NO I'm not crazy and it wasn't in my imagination .. sometimes just saying it out loud makes me realize how stupid crazy this stuff is.
I let her know I don't want to discuss him with her again, unless it's something that affects the kids. IE .. he's drunk or unstable when he has them. Him not showing is so NOT ok especially when his daughter calls him directly. I did let her know I'm sure he's very able to hold it together a few hours at a time .. holding a character together for a few hours at a time is doable even for a sick person. After being with him days in a row .. that was a whole other issue .. and he's still got a whole lot of crazy locked up in there.
The divorce being held up is on him. He is refusing to give financials. Regarding the parenting agreement .. he signed his rights away basically .. he has no say in when he sees the kids it is strictly up to them. How long during that 3 day period is completely up to them.
In talking with my sponsor late that night I came to two conclusions .. s/mom and I won't ever be as close as we were and that's probably a good thing. Plus it's time for me to let the events of the previous year go. Those events speak for themselves and he is still paying the direct consequences for them. Again .. I'm ok with that .. that part of the deal isn't my lesson.
I'm in a really weird space today .. because I'm completely detached emotionally from the situation .. years ago I would have shaken with this whole situation and now .. I just feel solid in my choices. I guess that's ok .. I said what I meant .. meant what I said and I really didn't say it mean. I stuck to the facts and left the emotional crap out. I did let her know he's mad at me because I drew a boundary. It is what it is and that's really not my issue.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I forgot to address the whole how am I dealing with this level of stress .. this is actually better than when I used to live with the STBAX .. so if you think this is a lot now .. I really can't believe what I used to put up with and the depression I suffered with .. I really lacked coping skills .. now .. it's just more .. it is what it is .. and there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I move towards it because there is just no other option than to move forward. When we split up it took a while however a large boulder of stress was lifted .. granted I have other stresses .. again .. what can I do? Not much except plow through.
Probably what saves me is that I have been able to sleep and nap during the weekends. Getting things done helps a great deal too. Having a job distracts me. Church has been a very BIG life saver.
All I can do is what I can do .. nothing more and nothing less.
Hugs .. S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
You never know what shape your future relationship might take. She's in a tough position. Her son is acting in damaging, disappointing, confusing and embarrassing ways. She has to be upset by that, worried about him and the grandkids, feeling guilty, and wondering if you blame her for her son's behaviours. It's good that you cleared the air. Maybe when she sees you aren't wanting her to take sides, but rather are just trying to relate to her as a person, things will change. Your divorce isn't even final yet, so give it time...
This disease has taken us all to hard places and I am glad you could share with her some of your struggles. I know my relationship with my exMIL will never be the same and I have accepted that, he is her son and my exAH and I do not want to come in between that. She doesn't have al-anon, but I love her anyway. My exFIL and MIL are in town tonight and we are going out to dinner which we do from time to time when they come to see my 16 year old and it is actually nice now a few years after the divorce. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
As the mother of an A, I am glad my son does not have any children or a spouse. I say this because it is hard enough to watch my own son going through what he goes through without having to find a way to be supportive of my soon-to-be ex daughter-in-law or to try to find a way to be in my grandchildren's lives, too. As a Mom and as a grandmom, I am powerless over everybody and my dreams have been shattered, too.
It is good you were able to have your say, Serenity, and I am glad you want your children to have a relationship to their grandmother, too. It is sad what alcoholism does to families and it is good that you can accept you probably aren't going to be as close to your mother-in-law as you once were. Divorce seems to encourage families to separate into camps until the grief that everyone experiences can be worked through.
Maybe there will come a day when you and your MIL can be close again? Even closer than you once were? I hope so.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 30th of April 2014 07:43:45 AM
I think where I am confused with her is we were attending Alanon together and she has taken a different direction. Which is her choice .. she knows the basics of alanon.
It's weird because she has a biological son who is about 3 years+ sober and is doing wonderful .. he's really come a LONG ways and is very active in his recovery. So I it is confusing to watch the dichotomy regarding the two relationships. Why is there more value on one than the other? It's not like her and my STBAX have ever been very close .. they were closer when I was involved because I was close to her.
In fact here's a funny thing .. I mentioned that it was nice of him to help us move and take the cats temporarily .. she literally yelled .. HE HAS THE CATS?! I was like WTH? Umm .. yes .. so her reaction to her granddaughter being exposed to PORN was far less than the fact he had two cats .. LOL!! That made me LOL!
Hugs Grateful, .. you have been in my thoughts and prayers .. I really can't imagine what is weighing on your heart .. I'm sooo glad you are here and I get to share this journey with you. It reminds me when I hear mother's and father's share that there is a child of God under all that disease and the person wasn't hatched there is a story behind it. Something that is said ALL of the time in AA .. I didn't grow up with the life ambition at 6 years old of Gee Mom and Dad, I think I want to be an alcoholic/ addict when I grow up. No child has that kind of life ambition. My son has verbalized Mom .. what if I DO grow up and I'm like Dad .. those conversations have lead to some profound insights for me as a parent. It breaks my heart. I tell him all the time .. he knows where to go if something DID happen and he knows he has choices so he's already ahead of the game.
Part of my journey definitely includes me leaving this town .. so I doubt we will be close and I doubt she actually sees the kids. She will be afraid of what they might say to her. She really doesn't want to know and that's her choice. I think that's part of the reason she's no longer coming to meetings.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
(((Serenity))) So much loss with this darn disease, isn't there? Fortunately, program work results in new gains, too - like new family members who are there for us and care what the heck is going on with us. And it is my prayer that when you do leave the town you will also be entering a life that is less stressful for you and has more money in it for you, too! (hope that is an okay prayer for you?)
Although I can't possibly guess at what goes on in your MIL, I certainly can understand your confusion at her over the top reaction to cats and under-reaction to your children's being exposed to porn. Like your MIL, there are times I just don't want to know about it, too, when it comes to my son's gfs. There is only so much I can deal with and I also don't want to be involved in their relationship. Unlike you, all of my son's gfs (and I know this will come as no surprise to any of us) are untreated victims or enablers of this disease who either have opinions on how I should behave as my son's Mom or want me to do something that will aid them in their relationship to my son. I have learned to just point to Al-Anon which of course is never what they want to hear and I offer the solution anyways. I notice that so many of his gfs seem to think the word "mother" comes with some magical power that I just don't have. Gosh, do I wish I did sometimes, but I don't. (Grin) Some are As themselves, so they just get into fights that are on-going and that I am always kept out of - thank God. Its just the enablers and victims who call me. Most aren't ready to admit they have a problem and don't consider that meeting a guy in a bar who tells them upfront about himself and his history and inviting him to move in with them is a problem that they have. After awhile, that scenario for any Mom gets tiring. In your case, you are working the program and although I don't know what is going on with your MIL, you have got to be a blessing for her in many ways.
It does break our hearts when our children are concerned that they, too, can have the disease. Because you were wise and entered recovery, you have a solution to offer your little guy and your daughter, too, and are modeling it - not just talking about it. Sending you lots of encouragement, love and admiration for your candor, Serenity. Your honesty is refreshing and makes it easy to know you and to care about you for me.
This whole situation is a very crazy making diseased situation.
There are so many other layers to it and some of the irony is so not lost on me. I don't expect anyone else to fix him, that would frustrate the crap out of me if someone was coming to me thinking I could change him .. I've had a couple of those comments .. LOL .. I get tired of being the bad guy. I think it's interesting that his record speaks for itself in spades. He continues to do what he's doing and it's very frustrating to say the least.
It's like I told his s/mom .. he is hallucinating that we have a similar relationship that his brother and his ex wife have .. they have found a way to do what is right for the kids .. well .. what my STBAX doesn't understand is that his brother stands up and takes total responsibility for his children. He sees them and doesn't pretend they aren't around. He's telling my children we have been to counseling .. LOL .. nooo 2 sessions is not counseling to work things out. His brother is also an A big time. He has a different attitude about doing what is right. I think it's interesting how that is different. I think it's because he's been able to own what he did to his first family as not ok. They had good communication between them. Plus by the time it was done .. they had both moved on to other people.
I will be very curious to see what this next week brings. No contact with the kids ... I'm letting it ride and I'm not contacting him. I will wait and see what happens next.
I don't have to go back to court until 6/2 .. so that's a good thing.
Anyway, we'll see what happens.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
My x used to tell people all sorts of stories - he even went as far as to call family and friends because he didn't know where I was when he knew I was out selling Tupperware to supplement my income because I would give my entire paycheck to him from my fulltime job. Yes, I did that when I was still believing the man was the head of the family and my job was to support his highness. I wanted some kind of income, so I sold that stuff on a part-time basis before our kids were born and I was still trying to make the best of being married to him until "death do us part." Death to the relationship did part us and put more money in my pocket. Grin.
Unfortunately, those outside of us can and do hook into the stories they tell and get as confused as we do. It sure is a crazy-making disease. Thank heavens we found the program and each other!
