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So I smoked today and I realized I did it when I got an e-mail from the Ex-A about the mediation session. I had immediate anger that he stated he wanted to resolve our issues.
So I smoked to stuff the anger.
I was immediately angry that he wants to resolve it now after emotionally abusing me for months because I wanted to address the issue.
So what do I do stop loving myself? Frustrated why I do that. I feel like crap from smoking then I started emotionally eating. Ugghh
Try getting rid of the fear of either doing or not doing the issue on meditation...fact maybe meditate on being unconditionally accepting in character (loving) as a person and see how things turn out.. (((((Hugs)))))
Hi Truth, it's funny you mentioned this as I was thinking about the emotional eating I've been doing lately. Breaking free had posted a while back about it and I had mentioned an app I'd used on my phone. It's a great app and helpful but I'd noticed that in the middle of my anger at the A, I wouldn't use the app. I would just start stuffing away. I used to do that when I was smoking too, just like you'd mentioned. Even though I was feeling pretty disgusted with myself for binging like crazy for the past few months, I decided I was going to try to be more gentle with myself about it. Last night I was upset at my A and myself and there I was with a bag of chips. Lol. I told myself out loud, "it's okay, I know you're upset. Eat them if it'll make you feel better." Maybe I'm losing it...but I ate some and then put the bag down. Lol! I guess I feel like I'm creating extra drama for myself to distract me from moving forward. I figure I'll lose the weight when I'm ready. I stopped smoking when I was ready. Until that time came, I kept telling myself that each cig was the last, that was the last pack, blah blah... Finally I don't know what it was exactly, but I bought an e cig with the liquid and it worked for me. I "vaped" for several months, but not constantly, and this past month the battery broke and I haven't replaced it. I'm not saying that as an ad or telling anyone what to do, just that it worked for me:) The cash that I saved... I did the figures using the estimate of smoking a pack a day(I actually smoked closer to 2)... The cash that I wasn't spending on smoking was over 3/4 the cost of my little car! Wow! I hope you will be gentle with and have faith in yourself. You're worth it:)
-- Edited by Raven Juniper on Tuesday 29th of April 2014 03:48:37 AM
I know there is a secondary gain. I don't attract people like him anymore. Even the thought of his emails bring me hostility, because of his passive aggressive ways. I know what I need. I need to feel empowered at this session. This is where I am at. I can forgive the insults, humiliation and hurts, it doesnât mean I want to be reconciled with the person who inflicted them. Reconciliation requires that others recognize the injury inflicted, repent, and find a form of reparation. He is still at the point where throwing his fists up at me, grabbing the phone out of my hand when I try and call the police, telling me he was going to burn down my house, was a made up story in his mind. In his words, "He can view it his way". I am not concerned about punishing him because if he thinks that way, he will just do it again to someone else.
Really if I cannot get the police to press charges, or get the court to give a protection order. I had a short protection order at the beginning. What is my next step? I know the next step is the mediation session. I think the fear is that there is a deep knowing that it won't end there and I just want to be done with it.
However, I know I had a child with him. I am not interested in passing my grievances onto my child.
This is what came up when I meditated on unconditional love.
Still a little confused.
I wish I was someone at your f2f so I could give yu a big hug. (((((((hug)))))))) I was in a store recently and I saw this little sign for sale. It said "when people are feeling unlovable they need love the most." You were talking about smoking because you feel you were stuffing your feelings. We know recovery is a process so is any lifestyle change. We're going to have our slips. You can take a closer look at your triggers. You've begun doing that in your post. It could help for the next time you're feeling angry.
What I'm really thinking about after reading what you wrote is why we don't love ourselves even more when these things happen like that sign I saw suggested. What if you went out and let someone give your hands a manicure, the same hands that held the cigarette. I wonder if I would have a better time with perceived failure if I met it with self love. I think I might actually give this a try instead of being disappointed or impatient with myself and just pushing forward and beginning again. After all, I do nurturing things for myself when I'm physically ill why not when I've gone off track while working toward a goal. I can reward myself any time I choose and get more comfortable with idea of deserving it. When people are feeling unlovable, they need love the most? I know I do :)
I hope you work through your feelings concerning the email. Good luck with your smoking cessation - one day at a time. Be gentle with yourself, you're worth it. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Tuesday 29th of April 2014 07:19:48 AM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Seems like it's all balance to me. If we sit with our feelings and practice no forms of distraction all the time then we'd be ruled by our feelings. Of course smoking and eating are not good distractions from emotions as much as things like exercise, reading, praying, talking to others, helping others. But alas, none of us are saints.
Funny thing is that for me, when I drank and smoked, I was still the most overemotional person ever. It didn't work....it amped up my emotions actually.
The insight about not wanting to pass your grievances to your child is powerful.....these words came to me as I was reading the thread "breaking the ties that bind you". Of course, they have meaning for me, too, on this thoughtful morning
I have already concluded three years ago, that if I chose to lose now that I would "win" in the long-run by having a loving relationship with my son. My son already says on a daily basis "Daddy's Gone". His father can blame that on me all he wants, but my son will know when he is older who put him to bed, who sang him songs, who made him supper, and who took him to baseball.
His dad is famous for saying "you are trying to withhold my son from me" and at the same time he will have him in the truck. It must be painfully confusing to have to keep up that game and quite frankly a lot of work. LOL
Just had a lightbulb moment, reading this. I do this, too. First bad drinking episode with ABF ended with me having my first cigarette in years. I eventually quit, but I do overeat when I am stressed by ABF's behaviour. Hmm... lots to consider here!
Yeah we all have our emotional things to fall back on, mine had been overeating and well it took time to get through it for me and for the first time in a long time I am healthy with it. Keep taking care of you and the rest will come, sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
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