The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I haven't been here in a very long time. Something about typing my thoughts and feelings out makes them feel more real.
AH was sober for about 3-4 months a couple years ago. It was a pretty nice time. But naturally, it slipped.
Now, the drinking isn't as often as he used to, but more prolonged when he does. We are on our second 3-day bender in the past month. Drank with a friend on Saturday, continued on Sunday, and I came home tonight with our son and he was blasted (I knew it was coming). Getting into the hard stuff, which isn't his normal.
Sweet son says "Why does Dad act so weird when he drinks?" He's 9.
I'm here. I don't really want to talk about it. My BFF knows about it, but I don't want to talk to her about it because, well, you know.
I'm sorry. It is so disappointing when we've experienced them drying out and seeing them come back to life for a bit and then watching them slip back down again. I'm glad you're here. I understand really not wanting to talk about it. Sending lots of prayers and empathy your way, Chicka.
My son was re-arrested tonight after several months of being dry and experiencing some successes he was so proud to tell me about. It hurts, doesn't it?
And, like you, I don't always want to talk about it. So, I let go and let God and try to do the next right thing for me. Maybe that is what you're doing, too? Hugs.
God I never wanted to talk about it until I hit my bottom and had to or just died. The disease often kills from the inside out and that isn't how I had imagined dying. Thank you God for leading me to the doors of the Al-Anon Family Groups and having all of those loving members to help me regain my sanity and life.
Your son isn't to young to learn about alcoholism. There is a pamphlet in many of our meeting created especially for the young "What is drunk Mama"? is what it is called. Go to a meeting and see if they have one and if they don't call the Central Office in your area and ask them if they have it and if that isn't of value...clik into afg.com and then clik literature. Good Luck have some ((((((hugs)))))) enough for you and your son and your qualifier.
I think it's interesting that usually when I don't want to talk about it is when it is the most real and when I would rather stay in denial.
I'm glad you are here and talking about it a little so at least you know it is real and everything is not ok.
My son just turned 10 and when he had just turned 9 he figured out how drunk Dad could get. He also used the same wording which I think is a good thing. It means that he's processing and looking to me to reassure him he sees what he is seeing. So I validate what he sees .. yes this is happening .. then he says ok and moves on with his life. I try not to dwell on it at all it's hard at times.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hi, Chicka. I hope today is a little better for you than yesterday? One of the things I loved about meetings was that I didn't have to talk if I wasn't able to do it yet. All I had to do was sit in the meeting and listen and somehow I experienced peace and some of what I was carrying lifted off my shoulders. We can speak or we can listen and gain some peace and a little freedom from our concerns if we keep an open mind and let God do for us what we can't always do for ourselves. (((C)))
Thanks, all. I've been to meetings before. I'd like to go again, but not sure how to do it without him knowing. I don't have the ability to deal with him knowing that I'm going, because then he'll make it all about me, and how screwed up he thinks I am, and AlAnon is just helping me to deal with the issues I had before I even met him. Because the drunk driving, car accidents, the sloppy behavior, the injuries, the things lost never to be retrieved (all while he was drunk) really don't affect anyone else....it's all normal, right?
Sometimes I feel like Alanon made me a pushover. Now when he drinks, I just clear a wide path and let him deal with his stuff. Before I would have been nagging, angry, etc. Now I just politely ignore him as much as possible.
He still drinks and drives at times..... BUT he knows I will start WWIII if he would drive one of our kids around the block while he was drinking. Probably the only solid boundary I have.
One of my boundaries is not to allow my A's disease to get in the way of me and Al-Anon. The last thing the disease ever wanted for me was to attend Al-Anon in earnest and to work the program. On one especially crazy-making day with my A's disease that was ramped up and trying to manipulate me, getting nowhere - in exasperation came the words: "Nothing's changed but YOUUU!!!!!". I took that as a compliment and evidence that I was indeed working the program and there was a shift that was needed. After that exasperated, last ditch attempt to push me back in the box of compliance, the cursing, begging, pleading, push-push-push to help feed the disease stopped because it was looking for another way to get its fix. I could love my A and still say "no" to its desire to control my every move - even when the A was and is my son. The pamphlet "A Merry Go Round Named Denial" became my Bible when the disease progressed in my son and it helped me continue through the necessary pain that growth sometimes demands. I highly recommend that pamphlet especially for wives and mothers of As. I also highly recommend attending meetings regardless of the verbal flak the disease likes to throw out there. Both things helped me set boundaries in place that were for my sanity and not for changing the A.
If you get to an Al Anon meeting you may hear that "you don't have to attend every fight to which you're invited". If you want to go to meetings, and he wants to pick a fight, you can choose not to participate in that fight. One of the most effective weapons I have had is listening to the initial rant, saying "Oh, I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm going to do (fill in the blank) because I need/want to" and then walking away. He can't make it about you without your participation.
I see how you say it feels like Al Anon has made you a pushover, but if you work it, it is a lot of work. You may feel like a pushover, but the question is, when you clear the path, are you also doing something you want to do, or are you clearing the path and then just fretting about him, instead of living your life? Are you still nagging inside your head, or are you going and doing something positive that you want to do? Are you still obsessing about your A, sitting in a funk on the couch while kids want to play etc, or are you engaging with the others in your life who still need you? These are all questions I had to answer to come to grips with my AW. At first when she started binging I sat and looked at her passed out on the couch. Then after awhile, I started watching guy TV shows with my son while she was passed out, or going outside throwing Frisbee etc. For her, it didn't matter what I did, I finally figured out, so I might as well go have some fun.
It's a compulsion for him to drink. He can't resist the impulse on his own. That's why a recovery program is necessary. It is just not a do it yourself program. It's never about us. It's always about the disease and its cunning, baffling and powerful ability to take a perfectly good person and day and trash it.
So - with that said - I'm turning to the more fun part of your share! I do hope that no matter what happens on the outer parts of your life - you know - the parts you can't control - that you do enjoy every last minute of being in that musical. Now that is service that both the giver and the receiver enjoys! Let us know how it goes!
although im exhausted and wont write much, i felt compelled to offering you support. i too have a nine yr old. i too live with an active alcoholic who tends to drink 2-4 times a week leaving me doing the single parent thing, i too sometimess confuse being detached and being a pushover, i too still walk on eggshells although less lately in that im trying to live in the momwnt for ME and my dear daughter. i too often dont want to or cant talk about ut. . i understand. i just lived with two weeks of him being sober. . its sad to see it go, but i knew it would. the saddest is seeing my daughter come to terms with it. . she is missing daddy. . he was home every nite for two weeks. . so far this week he has been out more than in. . i too do understand.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
enough for you and your son and your qualifier.