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I'm soooo in the middle of a very dark fantasy. STBAX has not contacted me or the kids about visitation this weekend. This screams of him drinking which is none of my business however .. it is one of those situations that is so completely predictable. I haven't heard from him since Monday when I set my boundary. You think maybe this might be one of those times that it is necessary??
Now I'm really trying to stay on my side of the street. I haven't contacted him and I'm coming to a point where I may have to however we'll see .. I think I made the decision to just wait until his pick up time has come and gone. STILL there are things he needs to do as in I want the insurance cards and I want the money he owes me. That is food money!
It's extremely frustrating. I'm REALLY trying to keep my motives in check and make sure that I put the kids first and not my agenda .. however .. I'm NOT going to play games. I won't allow him to use the kids in this way .. keep them wondering and again here we sit 1130am and NO contact. NICE!
I heard the best new ism .. LOL .. it was assholism (sorry if that's offensive .. LOL .. it really made me LOL!). He's definitely playing that card and YES I'm taking his inventory!!
This too shall pass .. ugh .. it's one of those deals I just have to wait.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Serenity this is interesting because this is the "stuff" that I find easier to handle. I think our paths were meant to cross. I found that when my ex-A does not show up. I take it as a learning opportunity to teach my son how one deals with disappointment. I think it is unfortunate that it is his father, however the "lesson" will last a lifetime.
It get very hard to wait when we have been so used to finding, helping, yelling and trying to fix them. It can be one and after a while it get easier and easier. Leaning something new takes time but it can achieved.
Your right this too shall pass....they all do
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Truth, the money is for things I paid out this year that he's refusing to pay for glasses, Dr appointments, things we should be splitting 50/50. I won't bore with details of the birthday promises. My kids have had limited contact with their dad for 8 months .. literally since February 2014 2x a month he's doing well. They won't stay with him at this point. They had an awful visitation last summer, I have posted frequently about .. I would like a break. They go for about 4-5 hours. That's as much as they want. They call the shots on visitation. Trust me .. they have had all the lessons they need about accepting their dad as he is and disappointment. They handle it better than I do. This is about him punishing me because how dare I .. how dare I question him, how dare I hold him accountable. This is a theme in our relationship. I'm very over it. He is fully aware I need this money for food and gas until tomorrow. He is angry. Just who he is and again .. I'm worried about HIM rejecting me? ! Lol .. not anymore!
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I dont blame you, im just glad your kids are old enough that they are not being hurt every time he lets them down. I dont think children need to be exposed to disappointment over and over because that can be damaging for them. Thats not a lesson they should be exposed to if it can be helped.x
El-cee,
In our counselling program, as long as it is handled correctly, it can actually teach children resiliency. I don't excuse his behavior what so ever. I just teach my son that he can redirect his thoughts.
Serenity, awe that is too bad, our section 7, as they call it here, is also collected by the government which is so much easier in a situation like this and yes that passive aggressive behavior does wear on a person because it is extremely emotionally abusive.
I think if one parent lets a child down often enough, deep trust issues can develop. How can you be sure that its resilience they are learning. To me thats risky. If the non a parent can protect the child through boundaries and hopefully the legal system then surely that helps the child feel secure in at least one parent.
Apparently if you allow the child to feel the disappointment, talk about it and not be ashamed and internalize it then you are actually strengthening the trust between the primary caregiver and the child. I was also told that children tend to model the "stable" parent.
Yes you can get a court order to protect, however what you have no control over is if the other parent will follow the order.
EC - I agree and I'm so grateful the kids have great therapists who have been able to guide them and we have had many teachable moments I could have done without. Get in or get out .. this is just cruel. My daughter actually called her dad and NO answer. I hope it's something more than him just being a jerk. The itchy twitchy feeling left me Saturday .. and I'm thinking there is a reason it left. Still ugh! Truth .. we have garnishment here for support however anything else it's considered contempt of court .. I have to spend money to collect it. His motto is just don't pay .. his arty had felt that sting lol! So whatever can come out automatically is a good thing. It's very frustrating and I'm HHALing lol.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I agree that it is frustrating. Your order is amazing to me. I have to go to mediation when "my ex-A" violates the order. This is how mediation works "yes I will be a good boy" and I will walk out the door and harass you just to the point just before I know it is illegal because my sponser is an ex-cop.
My ex has found some fabulous loophole in the Australian tax system where he lodges his tax 6 months late (and pays a $50 fine), and underestimates it by 10k or so. Then 6 months later he says "oops I made a mistake" and declares his actual income. Child support in Australia will only chase the missing income for me if it has been declared within the last 3 months. Because I receive a single parent benefit as a student, social security then send me a bill, because they deduct 50% of his child support amount from my benefit. So when they receive the amended assessment they say "well we SHOULD have only given you THIS much and we have over-paid you". So on top of not receiving the correct amount from him (which I could live with) I get a bill that I have no choice but to repay because I have "over-claimed". There is nothing I can do but pay this bill year after year and send him angry texts.. And remind myself that if I had never loved that guy, I would never have made my beautiful baby girl. She's the most wonderful thing that has ever been in my life so, although it costs me about 2k each year, it's worth it. When I'm feeling angry about what HE is doing to ME, I look at stuff like this.
and I appreciate and love the fact that her silly father and his ridiculous sense of humour is half of what my child is.
Did you ever see the movie "Hope Floats"?
When she says to him "I already got the best part of you". That's what my girl is. The best bits of her dad. I win, as far as I am concerned. I know your situation is more complicated than that and mine is too but when I am feeling angry about the financial stuff, well, it was soooo worth the years I spent with him and the pain he causes me. I got this kid!!! She's awesome!!!
I love the picture Melly :) Whatever my kids got from their dad .. we haven't figured it out yet .. they both have said to me separately PLEASE tell us we got our smarts from YOU and NOT dad!? He has a good work ethic and that's about the most positive thing I can say. He doesn't believe he owes child support .. THAT being said .. I'm grateful for the fact that I have both of my kids. I wouldn't trade that at all .. I would have left earlier though.
He doesn't want me to move to be closer to MY family which would be my mom .. I have zero family support out here so the kids and I are completely on our own. I'm not allowed to make a better life for the kids and myself without going BACK to court! UGH! So anything I try to do he goes out of his way to make that much harder on the three of us .. we are strictly possessions that are used and abused as HE sees fit.
I'm just really frustrated at the moment. My daughter called, text and left a message .. he has NOT responded and when he does it will be LAME! I mean seriously .. someone better had died OR there better be an equal sized emergency.
The kids and I are making the best of a rainy day we are headed to the movies a little later.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
My x never willing paid much either. He wasn't emotionally mature enough to see or to care that it was his responsibility to provide for his children. He'd stand them up, too. I can sure relate to the frustration and the angst. Sorry that today didn't yet result in him doing the right thing. Glad you are making the best of it and going to a movie with the kids.
Ohhhh .. LOL .. you all don't know me that well .. I have had dark fantasies about .. my STBAX has what I have deemed the whiskey truck. It's literally a rolling rust bucket holes in the floor board and so on. I have been known to post that I wanted to set that son of a gun on FIRE! I want my Waiting to Exhale moment and I SOOOOO need to rent that movie! I think I will just buy it and then put that one scene on repeat!
Because I am in the middle of my court battle there really isn't a lot I can do .. although I have some good dark fantasies pending .. LOL! So I have to weigh my behavior based upon the simple fact that if it's not good for my court case .. it's just not good to do. A girlfriend of mine thought I should go all CIA and put sugar in the tank .. I just can fantasize, .. I could not bring myself to do ANY damage to someone's vehicle .. well that's not completely true .. I let air out of my s/dad's tire one time when I saw he was cheating on my mom .. leave it to me to pick the tire with the slow leak .. LOL! I'm going to tell you the kids said to me tonight as we were headed to the movies .. Mom .. we hope that Dad wasn't stupid enough to leave the house this weekend and we run into him. I was informed they were NOT going to the car if we ran into him. Only one parent goes to jail and he's already used that get out of free jail card another reason I can't do anything tremendously stupid. PLUS .. I might actually have to make an amends for it .. blah .. I want to keep my amends to a minimum when it comes to him. At the moment he's on my HELL NO side of the list of amends making. Someday he may move .. just for today .. it ain't the time.
Ok .. REALLY funny story .. the kids and I went and saw Captain America .. YUM is what I will start off with .. LOUD is the other one .. I'm so overly stimulated it's about stupid right now. I really wasn't sure how well my son could handle it .. he doesn't like movies that are action packed and trust me this movie is nothing but action and very yummy Chris Evans. I can't wait for the next Avengers movie.
I'm driving we were laughing and I glance up in the rear view mirror .. there are multiple lights flashing .. TOTALLY SUCKS!! I got pulled over. I had all of my information by the time the DEPUTY got to the car. He was VERY cute and VERY young .. sigh .. I miss those days .. anyway poor kid .. these young ones never know how to handle a fire ball like me. I'm smiling and we are joking the kids are like Mom .. do you know him? I laugh and say no .. however I know many of his brothers and sisters on the force. LOL! Very inside joke. He must have pulled my record and his eyeballs went into his head I'm sure .. he's like OMGOSH .. let me get away from this woman! So we chat for a min and he tells me he pulled me over because my light is out and I admit that yes it is and honestly it's something I totally need to address. I can't believe I got a warning! We chatted a little more and he asked me where we had come from .. where were we headed and so on. I was like ohhh PLEASE .. let there be nothing I am not aware of on my license. Remember my STBAX has received parking tickets AND registration tickets on his truck that come in MY name .. asshat. Anyway, they are on my credit report now .. and that's a little daunting because .. I don't know how this gets listed ..on my license or on the truck license .. it's on the truck license as I didn't go to jail! That's a good thing.
So I walked away with a warning. VERY nice of him to do because honestly I'm a little hopped up after seeing the movie and I may have been speeding as well ... LOL! I DO wonder what was going through his mind as he pulls up my record and sees the divorce, OP and so on .. going REALLY?! Why ME?! LOL! I love the deputies out here they have always been very very good to me and for that I'm extremely grateful.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
So sorry you and your kids are being put through this nonsense. It can be damaging for kids to have parents let them down over and over again, but with you helping them provide context (and reassurance that they are loved and loveable), they'll be fine.
My own dark fantasies involve a deep freeze and a wood chipper. I don't have kids to amplify my disappointment and anger, but I think we've all had that one special idiot in our lives. Hang in there. :)
