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I have two problems that I am trying to work through at the moment and not sure how to resolve or move forward with them. Any guidance would be extremely helpful
First are boundaries with A. It was agreed that A would undertake a home detox and I would help them do this but once they had completed this they needed to move out so that we could work on rebuilding the relationship and also the trust that had been lost as they had slept with someone else 4 times when drinking. I stupidly said that they could move back in if they had been sober for three months (that is coming up on Tuesday). I have spoken to A and explained that I am not ready for that and they have accepted that but since that conversation I have allowed them to stay over and now they think they are moving back. So now I feel like I have allowed the boundaries to become blurred and cant see how reinstate them without being accused of messing with their feelings!?!?!
I admit I am very confused at the moment as I thought this were going back to how they were before the drinking got out of control but on Friday I was invited to meet a new friend for coffee and A became very controlling, manipulative and jealous of me doing this. I got cross and kindly reminded them that I was not the one who had the affair and I was not the one who had been verbally or physically abusive!!! I then stated that I was meeting the friend whether they liked it or not as I was not the one who F***ed up our relationship!!! I know that this wasn't the best way to deal with this but at the time I just couldn't help as I was just sooooooo cross. This has now effected the way I am looking at A again as A previously only displayed this behaviour while in drink. This then leads on to my second problem
Second problem is that I mentioned to my parents that I was considering getting back with A. My family are horrified at the thought of me getting back with A. They think it is far too early to be considering this as A will only have been sober for 3months on Tuesday! Part of me can see why they would think this considering in October I suffered a breakdown which was due to A's verbal and physical abuse and also their families treatment of me as A had told them that I had caused them to drink!!!
I am sorry you are having to deal with these mixed emotions. Just remember to do what is BEST for you and nobody can tell you what that is. My only suggestion is to take a break or a small vacation away from everyone to sort out your thoughts. Many thoughts and prayers your way!
Southernlass, to me it sounds like you know what you need to do, you dont want him to move back in but he has pushed himself in subtly. You dont want him to move back in and that is fine and reasonable, so you got mad at him and told him a few home truths, so what, that does not now mean you should be obligated to him. What do you want? If you want him to get his own place and from that distance you both work slowly on repairing your relationship then that sounds really sensible and healthy, just letting it all happen and you know its not what you want is asking for trouble, of course he will slowky gain control again, of course the abuse will start up again, unless he has actively taken responsibility for himself and is getting help he is commited to then there is no change.
If you feel you havent got the strength to take the correct action, then get some help, get friends and family or even the police to get him out of your home. That doesnt mean you dont want him and its all over, it means you dont want to live with him. Pray for the courage, reach out for help but do whats right for you. Good luck.x
My experience with my own As has been similar to yours in that one step in the direction of what they've insisted they wanted from me leads to 12 steps forward on their part (okay - this is a slight exaggeration but not much). It has been helpful to me to test the waters with relaxing my boundaries by setting up neutral places to meet and see how that goes for about 3 weeks. At the end of that time, I usually know if I need to pull the boundaries in or if it is okay to relax them a bit. As far as messing with their feelings - I have to admit that it could feel that way to them and I still have to do what seems the most prudent thing to do at the time for me. Lots of trial and error in this, I've learned.
SL, just because you made a mistake with your boundaries doesn't mean you can't reinstate them. And everybody else will stay in your business as long as you don't enforce boundaries with them as well. Yes you can have boundaries with your family too. I have had to put up boundaries with my non-A-yet-very-dysfunctional parents for years. It has kept me sane! as suggested by c+123 the boundary could be physical space. Finding what *you* want is so important here, because *you* will be the one living with the consequences, good or bad.
Also going to meetings should help. Any means of breaking isolation and discussing this with like-minded people. That always helps me.
