The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't been to any F2F meetings for a few months. I used to go to a regular one once a week however I stopped going because I didn't feel like I was working my program in all areas of my life. I felt like when it was my time to share I would end up sounding like I was contradicting myself. My warped judgement of myself. My partner has also had the car most nights as he started a new job and public transport is hard where we live. I also started my program in Canada 2 years ago and had an amazing sponsor. I am living back in Sydney Australia and have been here for sometime. I have to let go of the compassion to Alanon in Canada to what it here. I haven't found a sponsor and need to let go of my expectations as to what that person should be like.
I realise that I do need to come back to Alanon and that when I'm not working my program my life does become unmanageable and that is how I feel now. I have been feeling sad and lonely these past few days. I know I shouldn't be lonely because I have amazing friends and family and a wonderful 3 and a half year old son. But it's the relationship with my partner who is also the father of our son that I'm feeling lonely with. He isn't working a program at the moment and as far as I know he isn't smoking pot that is his addiction and its not my business to check up on him. As I stated he started a new job about a month ago which sees him working nights 3pm-12pm. I'm a teacher and have been on school holidays for the past 2 weeks. During my holidays I have spent most days with my son except on Wed just gone where he went to preschool for half a day so I could go into work. Don't get me wrong I love spending time with my son but Im feeling exhausted. Ive been getting up for him when he wakes in the night and then first in the morning. My husband on the other hand has been working from 3pm-12am most nights. When he started his new job he was working even longer hours because it was s new business. Its settled down now however I cant help but feel lonely and resentful towards him. I feel resentful because all he has been doing over the past couple of days is lying on the couch which is where he has slept all night so he can watch tv. He lies on the couch during the day and if he isn't doing that he is outside having a cigarette. He did play with our son for maybe 15mins today so i should be grateful for that. I have enough trouble asking him to look after our son so I can go for a run let alone do reports. I do have family here and haven't wanted to ask for their help as they help out with my son during the school term.
I feel lonely that I haven't got a companion who takes an interest in me and how I am doing. I am over hearing about his job. I know this disease is selfish. I guess I have also been deep down inside my pity pot and maybe by reaching out this is a way to slowly climb out.
Yes, reaching here is a great beginning. Remember the 3A's? Awareness, which you have demonstrated, Acceptance, and Action. Keep coming back, it works if you work it and you are worth it
I've been in the program for only 4 1/2 years. When I feel like I am not working my program, that is when I need a meeting the most. My mind seems to start wondering when I speak. Sometimes, I will look at one of the daily readers, and try to find a passage that might speak to the subject of the meeting, or to my thoughts, and I will read that instead of speaking. I can also say "I pass" and listen.
Keep coming back. I'm not sure I will ever work my program perfectly, but, going to the meetings gives me the experience, strength, and hope of others and it makes my program stronger I hope.
Just wanted to share I went back to my face to face meeting tonight. Im so grateful for this program and being able to walk into a room after being away for a few months and to see all the familiar faces and feel like they are all family. Im grateful for everyones kind words on here as well. Thankyou.
The only other thing I want to point out is don't be so hard on yourself .. I'm really learning (although I'm so dang stubborn) that I'm exactly where I am suppose to be when I am get be there .. the reality is .. maybe you weren't ready for those initial meetings and just needed more time. That's ok. I had a similar experience only I went years without going back so you are off to a great start!!
Hugs S :)
PS - How come someone says they are from a foreign country and I immediately read posts with that particular accent regardless if it's a fit or not? How interesting.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
