The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am not a crier. Never really have been. My dad used to shut down my tears quickly and my husband used to accuse me of using tears to manipulate him. So, I learned to control it. This week I have found that I am constantly fighting back tears. My AH saw me with little glistening tears in my eyes last night and actually asked me if I was alright because he saw the tears. UGH! He does this in front of our son and since I really can't even pinpoint exactly why I'm crying and I don't want to share with him ANYTHING about my emotional life, I just say, "I'm fine." Oh, and all of a sudden he cares about my tears? When did this happen. It's so frustrating to live with someone who gives you the cold shoulder and ignores you for weeks on end and then all of a sudden makes a comment that sounds like he really cares!
Here's what's going on: I'm exhausted from walking on eggshells every day. I'm exhausted trying to teach a special needs child and knowing that all the specialists I've taken him to tell me that he either needs to be in a special school for kids with serious LDs(learning disabilities) or homeschooled. So, I homeschool him but it's a full time job for me. My grandfather is slowly dying in FL and my grandmother is struggling with it so I've put off my annual summer FL trip and that whole scenario is weighing on me right now. My finances are a mess, but I just set up budgeting software to help me get a handle on them before I choose to move out or stay or whatever.
And.....here's a big one: I agreed to tell my story at a large Al Anon meeting and that's going to be tonight! This has been one of my worst weeks ever and here I am going to share my story? UGH! I agreed to this 3 weeks ago and I know it's something I need to do but I am nervous and hoping and praying that I am not a balling weeping mess up there at the podium. This meeting usually has around 40 people, too, so whenever you get up and share you do it classroom style, lol, at a podium. Please send positive vibes my way!
Sounds like you are being shoved into humility and the owning of your humanity. A wise woman once said to me "you are close to God when you cry". Enjoy the companionship dear ILD. People tonight will connect to your vulnerability, not your words.
Deaar ILD ---It is Ok to cry and feel sad. I am glad you brought it here and shared. I know your gualification tonight will be inspiring and filled with a great deal of wisdom. Let us know how it goes.
Maybe this is finally letting go of the identity of "I am not a crier". All the stress coming down on you at once, it is of course very emotional, and if you have never been a crier, perhaps you have finally given yourself permission to feel the feelings that you previously let you dad and AH control.
Thanks everyone. I just hope I can hold it together well enough to not stand up there and weep through my story, lol. If I do, nobody will hear anything I have to say!
I know how hard it is to let go and not worry about what your husband thinks or does but when you can release some of it, things might be better for you. I was able after a while let go of my SO so I don't care anymore if he ignores me. I can leave him with his own life. If I thought it was because he's having a affair again like the last time...I would be gone in a instant, but him not able to tolerate me for some reason...well....I don't give a flying rats A** anymore. My home too and I don't want to leave right now so he's a roommate.
I say this is because you can't or don't want to leave right now so living in the same home is not easy. You know you can't change him or make him respect or love you so you can only do for you and your son. He will soon learn you don't care what he does, say, feel or wonder and might change something. Practice, practice and more practice to let go and watch his actions...never his words.
Your in my thoughts and prayers that God will give you want you need and want out of life.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Your tears can mean the difference between a heart attack or a healthier, happier you. Tears are cleansing and I'm glad you're shedding them and sharing about them, too. Whenever I do public speaking, I have learned to turn everything into God's hands once I step up to the podium to open my mouth. It helps me take the focus off me and put it on watching what my HP will say and do. The results have often been more positive when I surprise myself with my own vulnerability. As Paula says: People will relate to your vulnerability much more than they will to your words. If you've done the legwork, that's all you need to do except show up and trust that you will be given what you need to do this service work. I'm happy you have this opportunity to get some positive feedback after you share, too! I love how you are cared about on this board by all the folks who are posting, too. You're loved, ILD. You'll do just fine with what you have and who you are from where you are!
(((Hugs))) ILD! Let it out we are here for you. Don't worry, put it in HP's hands and just know that you will say exactly what needs to be said. It really works if you work it;)
They will be so lucky to hear your story ILD, whatever you do will be inspiring this evening.
Crying is cleansing. Feeling your feelings, after so many years of surprising them, is, for me, something to celebrate and welcome.
((((Hugs))))), it is a privilege to share this path with you.
{{{{Hugs}}}}. You have so much going on! Even without an unreliable A, a special-needs child is highly demanding. One step at a time. Take good care of yourself! And remember we all have your back.
I have similar reasons for not crying as well and I find that as I work my program .. I leak. It is soooo frustrating .. I will literally leak at the store for no reason .. not so much now .. there is nothing like talking to a cashier, .. tears running and literally going everything is fine .. I apparently hit my water quota today .. I'm over the limit .. lol. I think it's just my minds way of releasing so much repressed sadness, anger and frustration that I have spent YEARS stuffing (going way way way back). Who knows if you didn't turn the faucet on maybe you would have leaked while sharing your story .. which is ok too!
Just remember that it's completely healthy to cry and I guess for me as I get closer to my program and unlock things that the good and bad emotional stuff has to have a place to go. So I am very much more a crier than I used to be and it has scared my kids big time 3 years ago .. my children never had seen me cry .. I mean ever. I even broke my ankle in a very traumatic way and I didn't cry because I was more concerned over scaring them .. and it's how I was taught to deal with pain. Today .. OHHHH .. I would be crying big time and they are growing accustom to seeing that side of me which is OK.
Baby steps and confidence go hand and hand .. I have to stop thinking of all the reasons something can't work and really focus on the reasons it will work.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
There have been times in my recovery when people asked "How are you?" expecting to hear "fine" and I gave responses like "Unstable", "Not well", and "struggling." If they didn't want to know, they shouldn't have asked lol. I don't apologize for vulnerable emotions any more. I let other's help me more often. I do still conform and say "fine" sometimes when I'm really not that way but you get the point. It's a gift to be able to be transparent and not have to make like your feelings are a weakness. If you spent your whole time crying during that qualification that would have been equally moving or more so because it shows progress. You had lots of walls and justifications up when you got here. You are growing a lot. Qualifying doesn't mean "I'm perfect now and here's how you do it!" I'm sure you did great!
