The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I honestly didn't know how much anxiety I have been carrying for a long time because I didn't know what it was in terms of a "feeling". I figured that out last August when the kids and I started seeing our respected therapists. The EMDR therapy I did was huge especially in conjunction with Alanon.
It has been a big journey .. however in realizing that "feeling" as anxiety I know when I'm in a bout of it and this AM I am in a bout.
This has not been an easy 4 weeks to say the least .. ugh .. I had to laugh about that one .. yikes! Moving (which I suck at, and I had to move a 3brd house to a 3 brd townhouse with no storage), having to see and deal with my STBAX (that is stressful enough), working, the kids schedules, church events, Easter, .. and now court. I have some anxiety about this because I don't have money to pay my atty at the moment and thankfully after receiving 75$ while my STBAX has been on unemployment my atty had enough sense NOT to mention it. He actually verbalized it when he saw my w2 .. LOL!! He must have kind of gone .. OMGOSH .. this is bad. All of this in a time frame of about 3 weeks. It's a LOT to deal with and it really shows me my level of pain tolerance is way up there.
Monday is court AGAIN .. ugh. So that means we go to court, I doubt my STBAX will be there .. that's fine .. it's just the whole stress of HOW is he dragging this out now. I will miss work again which sucks.
Much of my anxiety is revolving around money. His owing and his attitude about not paying .. ugh. This is his punishment big time towards me .. not realizing that he makes it hard on the kids too.
He's suppose to come over today .. although I won't have to see him the kids will be here and that is stressful for me. They have strict instructions that he's not allowed in the house if I'm not home even if they are .. they want to talk to him they have to stand outside. This is because of who he has shown me who he is .. and I no longer wish to deal with him on that level.
Soo we will see what is going to happen along the way.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
That is a lot of change to process and sometimes our brains are like "slow down" I think you are doing really well given the circumstances.
I remember anxiety around money. I decided to change my relationship with money. It worked for me.
I'm working on that part of changing that relationship .. however I brought in less than 10k last year .. I have paid out 14k in atty fees and things just don't add up the way they should when my STBAX is making about 6 - 7x what I made last year. It does make me angry that his income goes up and mine goes down because I have the responsibility of the kids .. who I love dearly. Who thinks about them? Certainly not him. I'm looking at my support going down as well.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I can remember years of financial worries. Although my x's wages were garnished for support, there was always more needed to pay the bills than I had at the time. I would put what I owed and what was coming in on paper during my morning prayer time and ask God for guidance. Some how - I always paid the bills. What looked at the beginning of the month like a financial disaster ended up at the end of the month being a "What????!!!!!! How did that happen? Everything's paid and I can still take us out for a little treat! Oh, I know! Thank you, God." God did for me and my family what I couldn't do for us. All I could do was the best I could do and God made up the difference. Going to the Source of all that I needed helped me reduce my anxiety and worries about the future, finances, and my children's father's doings and un-doings. I don't know if that will work for you. It did work for me.
Yup that's exactly how it has been .. it's just scary to think that way at my age. I know with this move and finding a place to live and so on .. it's literally been ok God .. you do what you need to do and I will do what I need to do and You have to work it out. At this point it's working out and I just keep praying that my STBAX has enough recovery to know what he needs to do in terms of the kids. This is directly related to no one is going to tell HIM how to spend HIS money on HIS kids. So he will give them hundreds in cash the idea that he is still responsible for rent, electricity and so on is beyond him.
I'm just trying to get back to Step 3 and stay there .. that is where I feel the best and yet that is scary too .. it's all a brand new world :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Yes, it is a brand new world for you and I'm so glad you have it! Whenever I've stepped outside my familiar into my new life - for a bit I've felt some panic and angst - until I get oriented to my new life and the new me that helped usher in the new life. Kind of like plunging into a pool for the first time - fast shock to the system and then getting comfortable again in the water. And this was such a sudden move for you, too. Although it is a move you wanted to make, there is still a loss you've experienced. Lots of high stress stuff here for you in making the move. So much to get oriented and adjusted to in moving from the country to what I think is the City? Whew! That's a lot of change, Serenity, and I'm glad you're here sharing about it all.
I know from your previous posts you can and do handle well whatever comes your way and I am guessing do the autopilot thing to just plow through because you have to do just that. Walking in the world of faith and walking solidly on earth is so tough, at times. At the end of the day we have to pay the bills and raise our kids and within that reality it gets to be just darn hard. You will use your program work and pull up those boot straps and in the end all will be well. You know we are here for support and your are well grounded and humble enough to ask for help when needed. I wish you some super duper joo joo.
Yes Grateful .. from country to city .. the first week here was a little unsettling .. there were gun shots and that was unpleasant .. not sure what was up with that even the kids were startled by it. It's like I told them .. well .. LOL .. remember we had the crazy country neighbor who would fire off guns off the back porch .. it just is what it is and for the time it's what we need to get by.
I am feeling itchy and twitchy since Easter anyway .. it's that feeling something is coming down the pipe and honestly .. usually that means something to do with the STBAX. As in he's headed for a slide down. That last time I got that itchy twitchy feeling he wound up having a huge anxiety attack at work and I believe was taken to the hospital. That was in the Nov time frame .. it wasn't this strong though that's what is bothering me so much this feels like something much bigger coming.
It could also be just this is all new and it's ALL on me .. I'm finally a grown up in age and now my mentality has to catch up. So I'm positive I have some of that whole this is new .. toe in cold water not liking the temperature at the moment.
PP it IS autopilot .. so often I have said there are just emotions I don't have the luxury for .. denial, self pity, hiding from the world, boo hoo life isn't fair .. lol .. there are just things, .. it's just not an option it's a have to and just do the best I can even if it's sloppy just getting it done is a huge task. I work a part-time job, no benefits, 20 hours a week I might be able to squeeze out a couple extra here and there .. the reality is .. sometimes I just can't. I'm looking for a secondary job .. I guess my stubbornness .. I have a full time job with the kids as it is and little to no help from family (mine isn't here and his don't have a clue as to what the kids and I have been through, it's not my job to educate them. Honestly if they are too stupid to figure it out .. that's on them.) It's been friends who have stepped up and helped me when I have needed it and I have been beyond grateful! I am soooo blessed it's unreal. So finding a 3rd job on top of everything else, no not so much .. I want to go back to school which I have talked about forever! I'm going to try and figure out what I can do next year .. I keep thinking that I won't be here in town much longer maybe that's some of my anxiety too .. May is suppose to be a big month for me .. I just feel it in my bones. So we will see.
Hugs and I'm so glad I am here!! S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
For me, there are times I feel the anxiety and I know it is not mine. I generally have pretty good boundaries, yet there is a hypersensitivity that is hard wired; I do the best I can to manage them. You may very well be picking up on anxieties that are not seen or known, yet...
Hey, we had gun shots in our suburban neighborhood a few weeks ago and they were close by, too. It happens everywhere and doesn't surprise me anymore. As for the anxiety, I can completely relate but I love what Grateful shared because it's where so many of us struggle. Trusting God to provide and support us when we see no other way through it all. I love what you said about feeling something in your bones, I get that feeling too and I welcome that kind of change because I know it must be good if i'm itching for it to be coming...if that makes any sense, lol?
Hugs and sending you lots of support today and always!
I think you are doing really well given the circumstances.
I remember anxiety around money. I decided to change my relationship with money. It worked for me.