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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I have been struggling so much with extreme anxiety over my situation. I cant put my finger on any one event just life with my AS in general. I completely understand and get the 3 c's. In theory I truly believe in "let go and let God" but in practice I just cannot turn off the anxiety and sadness over what he is doing with his life. What am I doing wrong? Anyone with any advise would be greatly appreciated.
Dear Sallygcoe
You are not doing anything wrong This is a dreadful disease over which we are powerless. Truly accepting this powerlessness and believing that HP will guide your son and your actions, for the best possible outcome, takes practice and determination .
In the beginning I attended a meeting each day and recited the slogans over and over in my mind when I felt anxious or frightened That worked for me .
It is doubtful that there is any one event. When I feel as you do, I get out of my head. I walk, I dance, I go to a meeting, I do yoga, I meditate, I use the slogans like mantras, I read my literature, I take a bath etc. I do not focus on the anxiety, fear, or whatever, I let them be, so the letting go, for me, is letting go of the trying to figure it all out. And this is challenging for me, as I have a busy busy mined. Keep trying on different things to see what works for you. And I do not make whatever I am feeling wrong, when I do the feelings scream louder!
It get's better as you work on yourself and let go of him. I was that way and still am sometimes but it's so much better. Even if I do worry I can get over it pretty quickly. Your doing nothing wrong just not working harder for you. Your still in son mode. You can't do anything for him but love with kindness and give him over to his HP. When you start to do this you will feel better...I did. Faith is a big part of it for me.
My son....yeah did get in trouble for his actions and now will do some time in prison for his DUI but mom let go and let him finally experience the full consequences of his choices. Now I can pray he will get it and do something for himself. I actually feel better for letting go because he is safe and not DEAD.
I think about this... What if that night he got arrested ....mom called him right away...went and picked him up so he wouldn't drive. You know that I know with all my heart he would be drinking now and driving and mom would still be looking after him. More problems for me and him.
When we can truly let go and give them over is when we can stop the anxiety and worry. It's not easy and takes time but it can be done.
((( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
For me, I started to feel better when I had this new way of thinking, it took time and effort to rethink my belief system. I first had to truly believe that my thinking was flawed before alanon, it was my faulty long held beliefs that had caused me and my family pain so I had to take time to rethink my thinking, if that made sense. It takes time and complete trust in my new thinking which I developed gradually. It boiled down to the fact that my old way of thinking never ever helped so it had to go, that left room and my mind was open to let this new alanon logic seep in. It could be that you need to do some step work.x
All of the above for me. One day at a time in this program leads to more faith, more trust, more peace for us with program work, practice and patience. After awhile, the what ifs are replaced with "how do I know that will happen?" and "No matter what happens, my HP will give me what I need to face it and deal with it." As a parent, it was very difficult for me to stop seeing my adult son as helpless and dependent on me in the beginning. Old memories of him as an infant, a toddler, a 5 year old, a teen all melted into one big picture and my need to protect him, guide him, rescue him had to change to another way of being in relationship to him. He no longer needed me to be the Mom I was to him when he was a child. He now needed a Mom who could let him do for himself what he needed to do, to live the way he wanted to live, to figure out what to do next and to experience the consequences of his choices. Being a rescuer was the hardest thing for me to acknowledge, accept and refuse to indulge in relationship to my child. Recognizing that he was a man who had to grow up and grow up the hard way took a lot of effort on my part. Still does. But, recognizing that I am not his HP and never will be helps me let go and let God more easily. I don't know what my son's HP has in mind for him - I'm never consulted. But, I trust that if my son's HP is anything like mine, all that is wanted for my son is peace, joy and unconditional love. Those are things I simply cannot hand to my son or bring about for him. That's between his HP and him. I can cooperate with my HP to let those good things come in me and for me.
Aloha Sally...you're doing okay for where you are at cause you're hanging with people who have learned a lot about alcoholism and our part in it and then learned to change our part..."the things we can". You have an addiction, a habit just like your son does...he practices the disease of alcoholism and you practice trying to have him have a better, healthier, happier, saner life. He's not going for it so you have to do something else. Before I came to Al-Anon I came to understand that I had "my program" which wasn't working and I had to learn "thee program ...Al-Anon Program" and practice this one. You know the 3cees good keep "knowing" them and while you are doing that start "practicing them" in other words start walking them, acting them out. Also start practicing "letting go" that's not just thinking "Let go and Let God" that means acting it out...turning your AS over in prayer and action. In the past when I would obsess over my alcoholic/addict wife and she would continue to practice the disease...and it would drive me crazy, I would stand very still and imagine my alcoholic/addict wife in my hands and then I would raise my hands, palms up and see me turning my wife over to God of my understanding while also imagining bringing my hands back down empty. I use to practice this in crowed malls even because obsessing comes at any time just as the compulsion to drink and use did for her. This disease didn't come and start its destruction overnight and you are not going to get solution "for you" over night either. Many meetings, lots of literature reading, sponsorship, and all of the other suggestions are what saved my butt. Hold the 3 cees in your mind and go over them slowly...using several perspectives...angles...past, present, future, lack of awareness of the disease, lack of experience with recovery and how this disease is thousands of years old...then let it go. Don't pick him back up either...let him go also. Keep coming back. In support. (((((hugs)))))
For me the anxiety and other issues have been directly related to fear, shame and guilt. The only way I could address those issues was to start working the steps with a sponsor, face to face meetings and realizing that the addiction is not about me. I still struggle with letting go and letting God .. I am able to accomplish that feat I can find the biggest peace going and because it feels so good I'm willing to chase that .. I have to consciously work at it though it doesn't come naturally at this point. I hope someday it will get easier.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I love how you are keeping an open mind and letting us support you by sharing our own e/s/h. Wow! It was very hard for me to do that when I first entered the doors of Al-Anon when I was married many years ago. It makes me smile to see one of "our family" able to "soak it all in" and to be grateful for the blessing so soon. Keep coming back, Sally. You are on your way, sister, to peace.
